The kindness of empathy

Dortell Williams THE KINDNESS OF EMPATHY With this ethical will, the most important concept I wish to share with the world is that of empathy. Through lived experience, I was an extremely apathetic, greedy, and selfish man. Today, more than any other time in my memory, segments of the world, in politics, in corporate settings, and in general society, are mirroring my previous venomous values. Here of late, society seems to be driven deeper and more frequently by conflict, contention and anger. This trio of character liabilities undergirds the worst decision I ever made in my life. A decision I deeply regret 'til this day, thirty years later. Today, I would describe myself as a generous, caring, and empathetic person. There were many events that fueled my change, maturity, and growth: good mentorship, which led to a lot of academic and recreational reading, which seeded the courage to enroll in an array of self-development classes. The classes exposed me to accountability partners, not only in class, but in church, where I gained a keen sense of morality. College only bolstered the foundation already laid. Williams / The Kindness of Empathy Page 2 From these experiences, the one character asset that has had the biggest influence on my life is empathy. On the receiving end, empathy made me feel like I mattered, like I was worth caring for; or even being listened to; like I was an investment that had the potential to generate societal returns. And surely, the many who invested in me knew what it was like to be invested in, for that is the meaning of empathy — to put oneself in the shoes of another, to dare to imagine what it would feel like to be in another person’s unfortunate situation. The secret is that empathy doesn't just give, it receives, and then gives back. In other words, the exercise of empathy is good for the person receiving that empathy, but it is also good for the person exercising it, and yet as a positive for both parties, empathy is spread to others. Empathy can be a real and positive contagion. Furthermore, by actively listening to others, we assist in their healing and ability to move forward, beyond their travails, and also learn from their stories, and share in the pleasure of their victory. Again, sincere empathy has a positive ripple effect. Viewing it from this prism, we can see a clear choice. We can contribute to the spread of conflict, contention, and anger, or we can swim against the tide by exercising empathy. Conflict, contention, and anger are not the real problems here. While these exacerbate the adverse ways we tend to negatively treat one another, they are but symptoms to a larger problem in society — a general lack of empathy. The truth is, problems in society abound: poverty, hunger, illness. Then there's crime, addiction, neglect, ad infinitum. Yet the most effective universal response is empathy. We must recognize and understand that some people act negatively when life treats them unfairly, whether real or imagined. Williams / The Kindness of Empathy Page 3 When someone is rude, unkind or even onerous towards me, I note it, and ask myself, I wonder what this person is going through? If I haven't done anything offensive to this person, the problem has to be deeper than the little incident that the person is now acting out about. When it comes to strangers, I likewise use a logical inquiry; because it can’t possibly be personal, if the person doesn't know me. Therefore, the conclusion is obvious; they are simply projecting, which we all do from time to time. So I respond with patience and kindness, both of which are components of empathy. By responding to conflict, contention, and anger in this manner lessens my exposure to stress; yields a positive sense of satisfaction, because I can be confident in my decision in that instant, and, I showed up for the other person. In this way, empathy becomes an inoculator, a shield against all of those negative emotions that distract from the beauty of life. Empathy compels us to give the benefit of the doubt, it urges us to actively listen to others, and see the human worth and frailty of our human peers when they can't see it in themselves. Empathy drives us to phileo love (brotherly love), and motivates us to have compassion on those who need it most, those who are suffering, even if that suffering is self-inflicted. Emapthy is the key to being the change that we want to see in the world. Gandhi's refrain here makes perfect sense, and makes us all eligible for that utilitarian promise of the Christ, "Blessed are the peacemakers."