Est. 1988

Author: Title: Est. 1988 Date: June 5, 2023 Stepping inside this storage room of mine I shudder arms become goose bump covered. I tried to scream, to breathe It’s only a dream Memories smeared with guilt and gloom dusted in repulsive disgust Love replaced with lust; Followed up with mistrust Past occurrences intertwined with present childhood resentments and disturbed meaningful friendships There is someone here with me She is always around, unable to escape her presence it walks in front of me Leading me to continue down Pain Street and Rejection Boulevard Hey, wait for me, don’t leave who was once behind me, is on my left never does my shadow need to rush to catch up reminding me, “trust no one.” Yes, I am tethered to the scent of his aftershave Because I was old enough to experiment with “Such a pretty girl, what you doing out here all by yourself?” Honestly no one wants an annoying little sister tagging along I did nothing wrong I’m sorry you were waiting for the school bus i have danced wildly in a ballroom of dead souls At least no one here can harm me I glance to my right, there it is again. You cannot see me, consumed by this liquefied comfort I am drowning in Went from inebriated obliterating any behaviors that didn’t cause pain Mom said, “You better be back in this house before the street lights come on.” Had she paid better attention she wouldn’t have to mention such nonsense My light has long ago extinguished ’'m having too much fun now so fuck her and her rules that stained my rebellious truths I don’t want to go to school tomorrow i want to drop out and be a supermodel “Yea right, you won’t get signed. No agency will want you.” Did you forget what happened the last time someone else told you that “you’re beautiful?” “Come on let’s go somewhere else,” My younger self climbs down off the shelf steps in to take the lead again Putting a pause on adulting At around age 20 a guy grabbed a tight hold on a shovel Willing to put in the tiring work of uncovering the wounds she could not hide He gently clawed away the spider webs, discovering her true nature Perplexed as to why anyone would hate her The boy watered her sunflower with all the unconditional love he could muster He had what she required but again her inability to trust expired his Diligence to not give in and leave her Having no intentions to deceive nor mistreat this fragile creature I wanted to go for him basking in the bliss that came the sudden surge Of persistence to prove that he refused to be pushed away. Until one day her past resurfaced, threatening his place so walked on by Realizing in order to no longer be drained he had no choice but to abandon his mission. Still loving her, but from a distance Creeping up from behind, her shadow drank up all the love, the boy left with her “What is this peculiar glow you have dear? I can’t share a space with that bright light in here.” It’s time to go, returning to the cold, out with the new, welcoming back the old. Your only fooling yourself I argue with this shadow that I’m tired of missing out “Dear shadow, please release me as you stall my growth.” I don’t want to let you go, why can’t you have us both. No! I need to bury my past No longer wanting to be hindered by flashbacks, of being stabbed in the back Feeling skeptical of the new faces that appear Beckoning me to join them in their pleasures and celebrations Let’s go enjoy life, turn loose all of your dark times Turn off the projector in your mind it haunts you with images of all your mistakes rewind, pause, play, repeat if I continue to drown myself in this whirlpool of regrets and self neglect i won’t be able to fulfill, my promise to my #1who happens to be my son. An oath to protect him by any means necessary who knew my own flesh needed protection from me. As I kissed my son goodnight I didn’t realize My shadows surrounding me mocking my ability to get rid of them Apparently I still have some work to do before I reunite permanently with you. We’ve off again, hand in hand with my shadow that I cannot erase My son, I love you forever, soon came we'll be together forever. I have to stroll down and through another guilt scattered deja vu Avenue There is a power within that drives her to sift through those memories boxed up and locked out. I will heal from the old wounds i will make peace with my past. I am committed to my first born who is branded in the arteries of my heart. It is only because of him and for him that she will not lose the battle to her shadows!