Transcript
Anatomy of a Convict: Amerikkka's Creation My first experience of prison was a soul numbing experience, from the initial strip search @ Kern County (Bakersfield, CA)! To the intake process @ USP Leavenworth in 1993! The demoralization aspect(s) mirror each other: "Strip naked! Hands out & Turn over! Raise arms to show armpits! Open mouth & lift tongue! Behind ears L to R! Lift your scrotum...pull back your foreskin! Turn around...R foot! Now L foot! Bend over at waist...now squat & cough thrice!" With the degradation completed, I was given a number [ID] & a bed roll! Into the jungle I went... My entrance into the unit was met by a chorus of convict questions: "Where you from cuz (crip talk)? Where you from blood (blood talk)? Who you rock wit homie? What that paperwork like n-word (i.e. What are my charges?)?" I said nothing...all that I could think about was getting to my cell. And making a weapon for my survival! You see... my older homeboys had trained me/us from a young age, that we/I had to not only keep a weapon! But also adhere to a set standard of daily protocols (i.e. convict rules)! One was expected to memorize unit's inhabitants & never fraternize with guards! In addition, one was directed to never send any request forms (i.e. kytes) to any prison staff, without having let my celly read them! I learned that "convicts" were cut from a different cloth. That they/we held ourselves to the highest of standards & stood on a platform of "death before dishonor"! Meaning... one was expected to be respectful of all & in turn, demand the same in return! Violations, both real and perceived! Had to be met with brutality! Case in point... a very disrespectful guard made the mistake of verbally disrespecting a very highly respected Elder! I was chosen to deliver the "Cali Car" (i.e. those under Cali structures (gangs)) response: after instigating altercation w/him, I fractured both nose & bone around eye! My character & courage were solidified. My first "convict" test netted me (2) additional years consecutive to the 15 yrs. I already had! And a transfer to USP Terre Haute... a more violent prison btw. Over the next 15 yrs, I accumulated a slew of: assaults! with & w/o weapons; riot(s)! multiple weapons charges! The "graduation" for me as a convict came in 1995! When I was sent to the highest security prison in Amerika: A.D.X. Florence in Colorado! There, one met a virtual who's who of USA Gangland & was socialized to normalize abnormalities. A more apt description would be... "one was transformed from a human into an animal." The human nature of: empathy, compassion, kindness, etc. which is typical for society citizenry! was, in prison(s) a weakness, or convict liability! The sordid and ultra violent world of Level 5 & 6 federal prison(s) consumed me. USPs Levenworth, Terre Haute, Lewisburg, ADX (twice for 7 yrs total), Lompoc, Atwater, Big Sandy, Lee City, Beaumont, Atlanta! All saw one's existence as an animal! A tried & proven true "convict." Today, I find myself questioning it all?! At times longing for that fairly naive youth that entered prison @ 23! Yet also simultaneously accepting the beast that both California & federal prison(s) created! I can also acknowledge (albeit, grudgingly) that, incarceration as is, warps a captive! However, years of S.H.U. (isolation) truly destroy the spirit. I am living proof of this... I exited federal prison in 2009 w/ a very acute case of P.T.S.D.! Something that, although one was getting professional help with it! One today still has difficulties maintaining qualitative relationships with both family & others! My sleeping patterns have been permanently altered. I average 4 to 5 hrs. of sleep daily. Typically, flashbacks of various violence and/or trauma(s) awake one. One in particular, me in a coffin being buried alive! has been a recurring night visitor! Beginning during my first 4 yrs. @ ADX btw! Maybe it was the 15-20 min walk from intake to the housing unit(s) where we were moving in erratic L to R turns, yet going downwards consistently! Which created this nightmare?! Idk... What I do know, is that every day I struggle to be "normal"... wondering exactly what "normal" is anymore?! I question the 'convict' ethos, as the majority are not 'convicts' but rather 'inmates'?! And live by skewed protocols yet! Enjoy qualitative relationships with all! And are accepted by their peers, albeit with a little verbal harassment(s)?! I, on the other hand, am more feared than loved! Oftentimes alone upon the "real" path (i.e. never aided law enforcement)! With minimal outside contacts! My anger oftentimes consumes me... How does one get 45 years for a case where no one died? Had any serious injuries? The fact that an eventual retrial is likely gives one that thing called 'hope'! It is this, which keeps the inner beast encaged, as one walks within the jungle(s) of prison. ...This, which helps one ignore the multitude of disrespect one's subjected too, by both captor & fellow captive(s)! 'Hope' that there shall be eventual justice... that one still shall have time to live some semblance of a life?! A life free of bars & faux bravado! I wonder... will the "convict conditioning" which I've internalized, over a 30 plus virtual career of outlaw adherence! over the 5 years which one's lived as a devout Muslim?! Time will tell. My struggle continues... Abdul-Malik Kamau July 5, 2019
