Do You Know Her??
This is to all my fellow brothers, (Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, etc.) those of you have assumed the role of lover, protector, and confidant to the women in your lives. If I may, please allow me to pose this question: When you take the time to gaze into your woman's eyes, with the intimate gumption to explore the windows to her soul, who is it that you truly see? Now before you begin to verbally proclaim what may appear to be an expressive display of endearment, take the necessary time to ponder over the requisite nature of this question; one that is much more inquisitive than what the surface dwelling revelation may presumably entail. Do you truly know the beautiful woman that lay next to you at night, or is she just as much a stranger to you as you are at times to yourself? This essay is not constructed as an arcane means to depreciate the position of us men.
On the contrary, this particular discourse is ascribed to effectively proliferate a universal awareness that illuminates the momentous ambiance that is all too often underappreciated but duly deserving to every strong, beautiful unadulterated woman that benevolently graces man with her infectious presence. I hope that despite my approach the words being conveyed are not taken out of context. But if by chance they are somehow misconstrued, I am sincerely hopeful that those individuals who do begin to feel certain negative emotions festering, you same individuals will go back and do a thorough introspection of what lies within. Maybe then you will subsequently obtain the full scope of what actually is.
Most sound minded individuals cogently understand that one essential mainstay to a relationship is mastering and revering the art of communication. The sometime trite but very valid cliché, "Be quick to listen and slow to speak," contains an undeniable sense of truism. Essentially, it is a purported adage that is designed to signify true and sustainable empathy. But do to a selfishly adoptive propensity to regulate a relationship, men tend to fall under the barrier of "authoritative guide". When engrossed in the ego we impress upon subjects and matters an irrefutable profession to know what's best. But is knowing what's best
2 centered around what best benefits us as individuals? More times than not the answer is "yes". Moreover, to prove our one sided viewpoint we intentionally set out to dominate conversations with our women as a means to assert our point of view while giving little thought or consideration to our partner's own independent perception. The average man adamantly thinks, which ultimately conjures up an often times immovable belief that based upon his "infallible" knowledge, his "indispensable" prowess to dominate, and his "acute" ingenuity to prosper, he is to a large degree superior to a woman. Well my fellow comrades here is a humbling reality check: In all actuality we are far less superior to women than we can ever truly imagine. Furthermore, with this false sense of supremacy radiating our egotistical consciousness, we further alienate ourselves from what actually is.
In consequence of a newfound understanding of womanhood, I now realize that women hold the key to unitary balance. That for all intents and purposes, is the ultimate attainment for humanity; possessing the altruistic ability to harmoniously exist, bond, and cultivate relationships with others through mutually shared respect and understanding. Holistically, the very thing men lack in this humanistic department women possess it at a higher and efficient frequency. Their ability to act in this manner can be attributed to their broad understanding and appreciation for communication.
The essence of communication is predicated on talking, listening, and evaluating. Men are more prone to talking with the intent to soleley get their point heard or to prove someone else's point invalid. Many men evaluate situations to use the information as a means to benefit their own selfish agenda. And when it comes to the listening aspect of communication, mend tend to listen only long enough to refute, rebut, or revoke what is being conveyed.
Women, on the other hand, have an uncanny knack for talking, listening, and evaluating with a purpose driven agenda to experience the duality of "Feeling" and "Understanding" (Affective and Cognitive Empathy) the other person's point of view. Truthfully speaking, men can talk a good game, and we do possess the knowhow to adeptly evaluate
3 a situation. But when it comes to listening men can be obstinately averse to it. The beauty of listening supercedes having the ability to "hear" the information being administered. Listening takes an innate skill the average man takes for granted, being that he often times imbibes the offered information as a means to be heard.
During pillow talk sessions in the bedroom, on short walks through the park, or simply lounging on the couch, are you listening to the sentimental floetry of your woman's wants, needs, and concerns, or are you secretly and eagerly awaiting the moment she ceases her monotnous lamenting? My brothers, it is during those times when the nakedness of her vulnerabilities are yearning to be clothed with your warm fabric of understanding. Instead, you persist on offering judgmental responses on what she should or shouldn't do, which often leads to finger pointing and arguing from both parties. In these intimate moments she doesn't want your advice, She wants nothing more than the fortified support of your ears and heart. Understanding your "better half" is primarily dependent on listening to her as opposed to listening to your own self-talk about her. What makes listening such a strenuous task for a lot of men points to the notion of him being compelled to relinquish too much of himself. In order to truly listen one must sacrifice for the moment his ears (to hear what is being said), his mind (to compute what is being said), and his heart (to empathize with the individual speaker). To eradicate either one of these all important components of listening renders any true form of understanding useless.
Through many lonely nights coupled with countless bouts of rejection from my female counterparts, I was forced to procur a much broader understanding of, as well a greater appreciation for "Woman". What she represents is much more than piece of ass. Just as well, she has more to offer a man than just bearing and cultivating his seed into a living and breathing being. She is the opposite end of the scale that balances man. When he falls short and lacks the necessary fortitude to recoup from the constant frailties and perils of life, she is right there to pick him up with a faithful hand, and a nonjudgmental heart. Without her we are literally nothing. But do to a delusional image of our
4 position, we audaciously place women beneath us instead of beside us. Thus, I ask, do you know her?
I can vividly recall a point in time when I was in a relationship with a young lady I thought was the love of my life. There was this particular night she and I were engaged in a verbal fight that stemmed from my cheating irresponsible lifestyle. Well, in accordance with other nights, I thought that make up sex would be the curative antedote to mitigate my toxic foolery. And after some insensible coaxing, broken promises, and good sex, I surmised all was forgiven. To a certain degree she did forgive my disloyal conduct, but little did I know that my selfish actions would never be forgotten.
The next morning I was awaken by an intuitive inclination warning me that something just wasn't right. Upon opening my eyes, my woman was staring intently into my quickly dilating pupils. That was one of the eeriest moments I can recall experiencing with her. Impulsively I asked, "Why in the hell you just staring at me?"
Now let us dissect this question: I inquired about "why" she was behaving in the manner in which she was. My brothers, when we ask the question "why", we are pursuing answers to the wrong inquiry. Why ask "why" when if we focus on asking, discovering, and embracing the "who" aspect of her, many other answers to questions we may have will become a lot easier to decipher. And the reason being, when one inquires about who someone or something is, the title that which that thing or subject represents is readily acceptable to those seeking answers. Typically when we as people better understand someone for who they are, then what they do is both expected and accepted as such. Moreover, if we continue to worry about why women do some of the things they do without first taking the necessary time to discover who they are, we will ultimately drive ourselves insane trying to figure those things out.
Why do women just sit there and stare at their men while they are enmeshed in their most vulnerable state? (Just about every woman has engaged in this peculiar behavior at some time or another). If I were asked this very question five years ago, perplexity would have surely clouded any rational knowhow appropriated with my masculine understanding.
However, today I can give some viable insight that can bring clarity to such a notion. Just like when a loving mother fervently watches her newborn rest, the mother is connecting with her baby on an emotional level unexplainable in terms of words alone. Likewise, when a woman watches her man sleep, that solitary moment enables her to emotionally correspond with him on a level ad infinitum.
Instead of allowing fear based notions to take hold of our rationale, us men should drop those guards of insecurity and simply begin to appreciate women for who they are. And who are they? They are emotional beings (just like me) who are far less perturbed with tapping into the apparatus of their inner self; an aspect of self that opens the door to the most socially congruent area of human coalescence. Which is connecting with the spiritual heart. Women have an inherent understanding of the fact that it is through the experience of spiritual correspondence (which is acquired through the emotional connection of two or more hearts) that we affectively effect the lives of others. In its most fundamental aspect is that not the essence of humanity? So when we become audacious enough as to speak of our dominance over, or our superior existence in comparison to that of a woman, us men should first cease dwelling on the surface and look beyond the appearance of what we perceive before continuing to adhere to such an assertion, because we may be amazed by what we truly discover.
Do You Know Her? This same question has once again presented itself. However, the aim is no longer directed at us men. At this juncture I am earnestly confident in my belief that all my sound minded brothers have taken a large dose of reality coated with humility. And if not, shame on you. The focus is now directed towards my beautiful women. Those women who have, up until this point, read this discourse, should perform one important task. First, find the nearest mirror. Once you have done so, I need you to look directly at the image staring back at you. Lastly, I need you to ask aloud, "Do you know her?"
The momentous factors that suitably connects woman to the whole of society is indelibly etched in our social consciousness. Irrespective of the many diversities seperating culture, ethnicity, heritage, or lineage, the
6 omnipresent need for her is as absolute as the air that we breath. Which means that her value is immeasurable. From a personal standpoint, when I envision the beautification of a woman I see enviable attributes that should be acknowledged and revered much more. The final section of this paper is written with the sole purpose to shed light on the dire need for women to better ensure the validity of their worth. This is not to say that many women do not already practice this aspect of self appreciation; I know that amongst the diverse nature of women there are plenty who undoubtedly know, understand, and appreciate the invaluable qualities that helps to quantify their importance to the world. The message that I am trying to convey is to those women who have somewhere along the way lost sight of the all important values God invested within them. In spite of my assertively overt approach my only intent is to enlighten, inspire, and illuminate the aesthetic nature of every woman that moves about Mother Earth.
A few days ago I found myself engrossed in watching a reality show involving these three women. The ongoing dialogue consisted of two of the women teasing the other about a blind date she embarked on that went awry. In the midst of their facetious bantering I noticed that they repetitively referred to one another as "bitches." As I witnessed these young beautiful women use such demeaning vulgar verbiage to describe each other, I could not help but to be profoundly troubled. I surmise that their intent was not to offend one another. But even if that were the case, how valid would their intent be if the actuality of the situation was cemented in truth? In other words, facts cannot be distorted, misrepresented, or irrationally conceptualized as a means to fit one's own "mis"understanding.
Before going any further allow me to offer Webster's Dictionary westernized meaning of the word bitch. (1) The female of a dog, fox, etc. (2) A woman regarded as bad tempered, malicious, or bitterly spiteful. Obviously, from a biological standpoint it is impossible for a female to fit the first definition. As it relates to the second definition, it depicts a woman as being ill-tempered and evil in her intentions. Essentially, a woman is seen in a negative light. Why some misguided women allow others to describe them in this defiling manner without being offended is perplexing to say the least. But what's even more baffling is when a woman pretentiously refers
7 to herself as a bitch. Irrespective of one's intent, the underlying connotation intimated through the derivative nature of the word bitch is negative on all fronts, except when referring to a four legged animal. There is just no other rational way to perceive it. I said all that to say this: Some of the very same women who are adamant about demanding respect from others are some of the same women who are negligent in respecting themselves. So how can a woman expect a man to show reverence to her when self-respect is being cemented by self-depreciation. Before demanding respect from someone else it is imperitive to demand it of one's self. Moreover, words are seen as verbal depictions that give birth to titles of representation. Those are the very images that paint portraits of who we are, which ultimately tells the story of our lives, and that is what solidifies our legacy.
How far reaching is the value of woman? As I have said before and will reiterate, the value of a woman's worth is immeasurable on every conceivable level. Nothing in my opinion is more important to man than the collective aura of "her" being. However, with the proponderance of this truth being pervasively understood, why then are we (men) so reticent in voicing and sometimes absent in showing our appreciation for her presence? There may be a plethora of reasons to validate the initiated question, still in all one of the most profound reasons I can inject is that she allows her worth to go unnoticed like an obscured gem buried amid the deep sands of the Sahara. Again, by no means is this a general implication, accusing "every" woman of this depreciating factor. I am speaking soleley to those women who directly or indirectly deface the beauty of their worth. The marring of such is all the more ghastly when the thing that which that value is attached to is not recognizably understood. So before understanding the sense of value one has to first understand the source from which that value derives. Relatively speaking, we have to better know who we are before we can ever measure our worth.
The nature of woman's worth is the all encompassing gem that she must search and find amongst the realm of self consciousness. By doing so, the illumination of that gem will undoubtedly radiate the darkness surrounding man's true understanding of her.
The origins of understanding, accepting, and appreciating the meritorious uniqueness of woman has to first be seen through the keen eyes of her when she
8 glances at and delves into the beautiful reflection in the mirror. It is through the assurance of acknowledgement, the undeniable vow of acceptance, and the never ending placement of appreciation that ensconses the very worth she is born with. No man has the fortified capacity to steal or take away this quality. The infinite stature of a woman's worth can only be forgotten when she places a veil over her own self-consciousness and loses sight of that which is forever present within the very being that she represents.
So many times I see beautiful women lower the standards that helps solidify their worth. There is no better exemplification of this than when women interact with men. For most women one standardized objective in helping to complete their life is to meet, get to know, and eventually cultivate a loving relationship with someone of the opposite sex. And for many men the objective is the same. It's a beautiful thing to behold where a man man and woman can authenticlly experience this coalescing bond. This can only be done through the continual practice of reciprocity, mutually giving, recieving, and compromising. The giving of respect, openness, and honesty has to come into fruition before the asking of it in return.
But that is just one end of the spectrum. What happens when a woman gives love, commitment, honesty, respect, etc. but those same selfless endeavors are devoid of reciprocity? The answer seems obvious enough. So why then do these particular women refrain from doing what they know to be right in their mind and heart?
Before offering my sentiments regarding the abovementioned questions, I want to first speak to what I too often see when observing those women who, by virtue of pseudo-dependency, fall prey to the misguided ideals and manipulative schemes that so many of so predatory men thrive on.
Never would I point an accusatory finger at another individual without first holding up that reflective mirror and point at that sometimes frightening image staring back at me. So please allow me to use myself as an exemplary reference in the next point I want to make.
When I say that I once had in my life the epitome of who a strong, beautiful black woman was, I mean that in every feasible sense of the statement. This woman was intelligent, motivated, and diligent in her efforts to succeed. From a maturation standpoint she was years
9 ahead of me. But as assiduously dedicated as she was, the biggest impediment she had to endure was me. Due largely to her blind and unyielding love for me she began to sacrifice too much of herself for my sake. However, me being the young callow individual I was at the time, I failed to take heed to all that she was putting into me. Instead, I perpetually allowed the influential depredation of my environment control and dictate the direction of my life. As days came and went I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into that bottomless pit of decadence. Amid my destructive descent I had the gall to grab hold of her and commenced to pulling her down with me. Had I not been forced out of her life by going to prison I honestly believe I would have succeeded in my unconscious endeavor. I admitt, the part that I played was indeed damaging, but her role was much more destructive. Looking back at that rueful time in my life I am fully conscientous in my understanding of the mental and emotional anguish I subjected this woman to. What I am also aware of is the high degree of self-depreciation she subjected herself to. That in my opinion is the greatest disservice one can ever initiate towards one's self.
I believe that one of the biggest fears we have as a human race is the abysmal fear of being alone. Perpetual issues of abandonment, neglect, desertion, stemming from past events and circumstances, begin to frantically haunt the psyche. And in turn we often resort to atypical behaviors to alleviate the prospect of possibly having to relive such emotional turmoil; even at the expense of sacrificing our own self-worth.
In direct relation to some of my beautiful women, I fully understand that the notion of being alone, devoid of a man's presence seems almost unfathomable. Thus, the sacrificial offering of self worth quickly becomes the all encompassing and all compromising factor. As a result thereof, she places herself inside the dark tenements self depredation.
Men have a voracious tendency to cheat, lie, neglect, and abuse the very women they swear to have undying love for. The continuation of these behaviors are translative contributors to the fact that women delusionally concoct in their minds falsely motivated imageries, connoting that they can somehow change a man into the individual
10 they envision, thus allowing themselves to put up with a lot of bullshit. Delusive mantras such as, "If I can just make him see he'll do right," or "Only if I can make him understand me we'll be happy," are the mental recitations that keeps them thinking and believing that they can make their men be men. This mode of thought constitutes a delusional self-image that succeeds the actual position and ability women naturally have at their disposal.
To my women, I need you to understand this: In dealing with any man you may consider a potential mate, is he being measured in accordance with the standards you value as a woman? If not, then when and where did the depletion of these values began to take its course? These inquiries are prevalent because it's apparent that somewhere along the way you lost sight of your invaluable worth. The assertion is based on all the countless times you allowed your "man" to cheat with little or no consequences to his infidelity. Not to mention the lack of attention, adoration, and respect he perpetuates as a result of his own sense of self-absorption. These are just a few of many examples that consolidate the consitent and paramount patterns many women fall prey to. Though the actions or lack there of on the part of us men are surely blameworthy, for any woman to allow her worth to go unnoticed, to have her worth devalued, or to have the essence of her endeavors be underappreciated by any man serves as the most debilitating factor that enervates the inherent characteristics that constitute the foundation of her worth. In doing so, it is rightfully just that she hold herself accountable for her self neglect.
When the totality of humanistic relations are objectively construed, the evidence illustrated formulates a clear understanding as to why we fall short in our inner, social, and intimate relationships. Both men and women stand as culpable culprits in the unitary reprehensibility constituting these shortcomings. Not only is there an immense lack of esteem actuated amongst both sexes, communication has all but dessicated. The ever mutable force of technology has a lot to do with the flaccidity that has tainted the organic immersion of empathizing with what another individual
11 thinks and feels (which can only be obtained through the physical practice of all three facets of communication.). Texting and Skyping have taken the place of intimately corresponding by way of physical interaction, which has diverged the emotional connection between us. As time progresses the suffering of relationships will continue to transpire; they will only worsen as long as our collective sense of deliberate ignorance perpetuates.
To my brothers: I believe that it is safe to say that women are very complex beings; all the mood swings, the fluctuating emotions, the possessive antics portrayed are all irrefutable reminders of their temperamental tendencies. However, when we look at those examples, do we (men) not display the exact same behaviors? The answer is an emphatic yes. Emotions are a part of human nature. There isn't a single moment of our conscious life that we aren't encountering some type of emotional feeling. That's just a reality us men must come to grips with.
In my opinion that's the most profound reason as to why women remain a step ahead of us in the realm of human cultivation. A woman's understanding of the emotive qualities that are inherently programmed within us, and the requisite need to embrace them are far more superior than that of men. We believe that emotions are of the feminine nature, which is true to some degree. But the knowledge of that should propel us to embrace this side of us because whether we want to admit it or not such femininity is a part of our biological makeup. This is also the source by which we can actually grow nearer to our women. By understanding why the emotionality aspect of their being is so prominent in our eyes, it leaves us with a deeper appreciation for the individuals they are. On the other hand, if we continue to devalue and disrespect our women we are going to lose them. When I allude to the term "lose" I am referring to it in a figurative sense. Physically your women may remain, because of different perceived factors, but when the escalating abuse, neglect, depreciation, etc. reaches its pivotal point and she feels trapped by staying but abandoned by leaving, she compromises by physically staying and mentally and emotionally departing. When we look at the situation
12 for what its worth, we have lost our women. I want to believe that that is a reality we want to avoid at all cost. And if that's the case, to remedy such a prospect start and never stop respecting, valuing, and celebrating the very essence of the women you have in your lives. It's that simple.
To my women: Everything I have spoken to in regards to you and the infinite contributions you impart on civilizations on a day to day basis isn't enough. And that's because words will never fully validate the endeavors you have undyingly dedicated yourself to upholding. Speaking for all men I want to say that we apologize for underappreciating you for so long. You are nothing less than our equal; a partner that is surely needed if we are to ever reach our greatest potential as a collective race of people. I look at all the great male leaders different civilizations have had the pleasure of having, their individual goals to further the growth of the people they led was without question infinitely transformative. But with that being said, let me ask these questions: In Egyptian mythology, when Osiris was brutally cut to pieces by his malevolent brother Seth, who put the God of all Gods back together while nurturing their young son Horus? His wife Isis. When Franklin D. Roosevelt was diagnosed with polio and lost his ability to walk, who made sure that in spite of his physical impediment his mental capacity to lead the United States was sufficiently adequate? It was Eleanor, his wife. When Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. went through his fluctuating emotions, as the toils of leading mass groups of maltreated black people was weighing him down, who was there to lift him back on his laurels so that he could proceed in his fight against injustice? It was his beautiful wife Coretta. The women I referred to are a few of many paragons who truly represent motherhood. Though the particulars of each one of their stories differ, the biggest and most requisite commonality that exist amongst them and every other woman is this: There isn't a woman on the face of this earth who doesn't possess the divine potentiality to aid man in his most trying times. When the parasite ailments of his flaws begin to eat away at his morale, it is she who selflessly and adeptly cures him of his self inflicted defects of character. By nature she is the
13 nurturer of mankind. So how could man ever conjure up the audacity to place her beneath him instead of beside him? The irrationality of it all truly baffles me, nevertheless that is the current state of our society.
To both women and men, I leave you with this final thought: As a collective whole we have to consciously endeavor towards abridging the ever diverging relations between men and women. When we fully understand the true nature in which the opposite sex plays in the adding of value to our individual lives, then and only then will we venture towards the completion of our most authentic sense of existence. My brothers we cannot obtain that ethereal fulfillment until we respect our woman's real position, which is by our side. And my sisters, the giving of yourself has to have its limitations if you are to ensure the prospect of your men staying motivated in having something to work towards. That cannot be done if you compromise your indelible position of womanhood. Remember that your worth is signified by what you first demand of yourself, which is then luminously reflected abroad. And if a man doesn't respect the beauty that you project then he is not worthy of all that you have to offer, which is apparently far beyond his provincial understanding of you. So in closing, if you don't know her, I earnestly implore you to educate yourself on some impending knowledge that is destined to transform your life in ways you would have never imagined!!!
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