NCF Berlin (NH)
Many American citizens along with inmates etc that suffer from mental illness along with drug addictions that are not properly diagnosed and that spend countless months and that add up to many years serving tim in county jails, prison, mental health and state mental hospitals etc. Dealing with ignorant, biased and stupid state criminal and civil courts; the personnel, judges and severely lacking intelligent, skillful personnel doctor's and othere gifted persons. These residents, doctors, this realm of the world and humanity, the odds as well the rest of the institutions etc From acquiring a good and healthy life, statistic wise isn't were it should and can be. This is one such story. After reading it lets have all viewers pause and reflect on this and see what they come up with.
My story begins: I was born in Wolfeboro N.H. The oldest summer resort in America. I was born in Huggins hospital in 1960. I am presently fifty five years old. I am mostly American, but my mom told me along time ago that she had about a quarter of Cherokee blood in her so I have a little in me as well I guess. My early childhood memory's before my parents divorced are sporadic and vague and I can't recall a lot as there were alot of traumatic experiences in the world as well at home. Also late in my late teens I was told that I had a mild case of organic brain damage. This may have also contributed to some of my lost memories. In growing up unfortunately it was discovered by my mom that she was married too two demented men in which she gladly got rid of. My mom's third marriage was and is successful and all family members wish he could of been the first.
I have two great sisters, one brother and three step brothers, one of them was weird adopted and a sexual pervert. My biological father was a jehovah witness. He was and still is emotionally and physically etc abusive and has no parenting skills, and didn't seem to know how to give expressions of love. It is my guess from his odd, devious, and mental health behaviors that two of my othere siblings and myself received our mental illness's from him. My mental illness symptoms and previous statements made along with a sense of being lost, no trust in anything in this world I think and believe it's extremely difficult if not impossible to properly diagnose anyone. My oldest sister was'nt diagnosed till her mid 40's and my kid brother till his mid thirty's, both were opinioned to be bipolar. These are mental illness that are said to be diagnosed in early adolescents. As for myself many different opinions. These type of mental illnesses, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, personality disorders, bipolar etc can be detected and diagnosed at an early age. These so called psychiatrists and othere professionals that pay and got to college for many years for degree's and then charge outrageous fee's and reports for their opinion and treatment. There is a serious problem lacking hear. And it is much more than just mere inappropriate diagnosis. These varied people do lack giftedness and real caring with their profession and it is literally killing people everywhere and in numerous ways. My mom was pretty much the only stable and competent person in our young lives along with our grandmothers. My mom was a single mom for a time and it certainly was'nt easy for her and kids and her ex-husband sending pretty much no child support payments and owing many thousands of dollars.
Father had the money but it was just another moment in time that we fell through the cracks of the system, survived but lost in many othere ways.
I recall that my mom sent me to go stay with my grandmother for awhile and see her family doctor whom actually delivered me for my mom. He had put me on numerous medications. Most did'nt work or were negative and or I had bad reactions to the medication. Later on in my life and sadly after the doctor had died I found out from a family relative that he had felt I was suffering from schizophrenia. During my early childhood years I can remember alot of the mental and physical abuse from otheres with bad negative and physical comments, plus inappropriate sexual encounters from society person's, and most of my family members as well health care professionals did'nt know of these matters. One time in my life at around ten years of age I was having alot of motor and bodily tic's and spasms. One such time was when my grandmother took me to an old "a and w" drive in outside in Milton N.H. I think we ordered food and drink and when we received our food and I attempted to eat my spasms and tic's started and all my food went flying out of my hands. Sometime shortly later my grandmother and mom took me to the Boston's children's floating hospital in Boston MA. They meaning my relatives were concerned for my well being, my unusual motor tic's and spasms my odd behaviors and my unwarranted aggressive behavior. I ended up having to stay there for thirty plus day's, they took a spinal tap on my first day, blood work and urine testing. We also had scientific exam's, psychological testing as well. I vaguely remember being there especially when I wrote and heard back from them in 2010 when I asked for my copy of my record being there and that's how I found out how long I was there.
The state welfare office had told my family that they would know longer pay anymore if I remained there. The hospitals recommendation was to have me committed to a childrens chronically care home for kids. My mom and grandmother took me there on a sort of visit and the lady that met us there wanted to take me and show me around but I turned to my family and said I just wanted to get out of there and we did just that. I knew my family loved me and was aware of the abuse I had gone through from my first father etc but they may have been stumped of what to do and money for further second opinion may have been an issue. Needless to say I went back home with my grandmother. As a child and or adolescent the only addiction I picked up while at my grandmothers was smoking cigarettes and at the age of ten. My father had smoked as well, camel non filters and luckey strikes. My actual first taste of alcohol was from a drink of my fathers beer can. I could'nt of been more than not quite one years old. I was in one of those two legged self propelled walkers with wheels so I could move around in directions that I wished. Even to this day I can still remember the taste of that beer I experienced that day. Its really kinda weird because usually my first choice of an alcohol beverage was beer. My favorite was Bacardi 151 rum and coke. Beer was always the cheapest. Maybe thats why I chose it. My first story of an experience with alcohol was when I was at the youth development center in Manchester N.H. I was in a max custody unit there called East Cottage.
A group trip had been planned for only those who had earned this little two day trip out staying at this loghome lodge to go snowmobiling. Well the lodge was huge and it had this extremely large built stone fire place and there was a portable bar right there sitting out in the open and beleave it or not but it is true we were allowed to drink and was just told not to drink to much. My choice at that gathering was gin and ginger ail. Actually tasted pretty good but I really did'nt know any better. I drank the whole bottle myself. I never had any opportunities as well have anyone person invite me to do any type of drugs such as pot, cocaine as well many otheres from the fairly large list and some that is'nt even on it. Alot of the drug scene came about later in my young teens and young adult life. My third experience with alcohol came when I stayed at my uncle ron's house for a weekend of camping and fishing which I greatly enjoyed and have some great memories that will last a life time. My uncle ron and me were really close and he use to tell me that I was just like a son to him. Anyway's my uncle ron had this fairly large big liquor cabnit and so I would watch and I could catch him as well his wife mary were'nt around and I'd sneak in the cabnit and take a few nips. I usually always grabed peach brandy for some reason. I really did'nt drink enough of it that it amounted to anything like a buzz from it. My uncle ron always smoked cigarettes which was the brand viceroy. It's one of the reasons I switched to his brand. My fourth and somewhat brief experience with alcohol was while I was an adolescent while I was at the state adolescent mental hospital in Concord N.H.
I only had a couple of incidents with alcohol which was wine. One was mad dog 20 20 and I forget the othere two. Years later I used a lot of different alcoholic beverages and drugs. It never fanceyed me to try and buy and sell the alcohol and drugs. I never had any opportunity to do any illegal street drugs while at the adolescent unit. While there thier just seemed to be alot of male and female sexual abuse and promiscuousness and even with staff employee's with female patients. While I was at the adolescent unit there was no kind of any real custodial supervision. These adolescent kids had no one an adult that would be watching and monitoring people's behavior and actions. Especially for patients etc with on and off ground privileges. The element of care as well needed security and accountability was and still is extremely lacking. I state all this on the grounds of personal experiences as well of having been a witness to these many kinds of atrocities. Physical abuse between patients as well staff against patients and sexual inappropriateness between patients etc is not acceptable. Further more convicted felons are employed by the state as a state worker etc, some have bad records and some even suffer from mental illness. I was a state worker there and went through a criminal background check. How can the law in N.H. and the N.H. state and society be exempt from this madness. These kind of conditions as well this environment and what these people have to live in and endure must be stopped. These people have a right to be safe from all sorts abuses and a right to have a good quality mental health treatment rathing then being rushed through the system before there ready just to fill a new bed; which they still do today.
At this point in time I was thirteen years old and I left N.H. hospital adolescent unit to go and live with my father. I was allowed to continue to smoke but I had to find a job and pay for my own which I happily did. I delivered three hundred and twenty newspapers called the Somersworth Free press. I received a penny a piece for delivering them. But thankfully I made and got a lot of good tips from people so I was able to supply and pay for my smoking habit. Like I said I was thirteen and because of my age etc I was placed right in the eighth grade. I hadn't even passed and graduated from the sixth grade. I had this hobby as a kid which was building model car's, ship's, planes etc. Well there was this kid I was friends with named Bobby any way's he invited me over to his house to chill and shoot the shit. Anyway's this was the time I was huffing airplane glue out of a plastic baggie that you'd use to wrap a sandwich for lunch or breakfast. We did this only on a few occasions while sharing war stories to each other of some of our life experiences that we'd had gone through. I was taken from my father after this very brief time and I ended on probation as I got violated and this resulted in me being sent to the youth development center in Manchester N.H. and I ended up in Wilkins cottage then eventually ended up at east cottage and maximum security again. I planned an escape one day and I was successful in that escape and made it off the entire facility without being seen. I headed and made it to Tilton N.H. For some reason. About the time of arriving I was really jonesing for a cigarette so I walked into this large shopping mall.
As soon as you walk in to the right and up against the wall was racks full of cartons of smokes incased behind plastic doors with no locks on them and I then counted to myself one to ten and on ten I opened the door grabbed a carton of viceroys and a lighter and ran out the door and down the road and into a patch of woods and just hid out for a while smoking butts and then from Tilton I hitched rides till I made it up farely close to my home town about twenty miles away. This lady in Alton N.H. probably close to near fifty in age picked me up and was quite talkative to me. Seemed she was concerned about me and asked me a bunch of questions. I was pretty hungry and I'm sure I looked like shit and she took me home where I met her family and a friend there who fed me nicely. She allowed me to call a family member which was my grandmother who was thankfully home at the time. I explained to her what was going on and then she had me put the lady of the house on the phone. The conversation was maybe close to five minutes before the woman hung up the phone and in doing so told me that my grandmother was on her way now to pick me up. At this point I told the woman that I was just going outside to smoke. She said your to young to smoke I agreed with her but I had permission and headed outside for a few smokes till my nana arrived and we both thanked the lady very much and then went on our way. My nana expressed that I needed to turn myself in and to get this behind me. We arrived home and I took a bath she washed my clothes and made me a sandwich.
My grandmothers third husband and he was my second grandfather from this marriage. She outlived her four husbands in a sad way. The first whom I never met was diabetic and passed on at age thirty five. I wished he had lived I really would have liked to have met him. My time after being with my family for awhile didn't set with me right and this was at a time my grandparents were talking with me and I knew that my grandfather was going to grab me and I wasn't having any of that. I took off running from inside the house and down the road away's and my grandfather paul chased me away's then gave up as I diverted off into the woods. I knew this set of woods and the surrounding area really well as I use to do a lot of hiking through alot of these woods years earlier and do abit of bird and squirl hunting as well. So I ended up out in the middle of no where and where it diverted easily where I could travel to where there was this tiny running brook of drinkable water. I found a tree that had alot of long vines running down the tree and with my pocket knife that I made sure to grab while I was at my nana's house I used some of the vine to use them to help fasten some of the smaller and big tree I broke and made a little den to hide in and as I covered it with many tree limbs and debris and I made this inside a big batch of prickler bushes so that it would be difficult to see me and even if you did you'd get pretty torn up running through the shit. After I completed this task I decided to hike back to my grandmothers house as this day was a Friday. I new my nana alway's on Fridays went down to laconia and at K.Mart to do some shopping and eat at a diner that was in the same building.
When I arrived there I entered into the house through a small cellar window that only a small boy could get through. I walked up to the top of the cellar stairs and too my right was five to six small shelves that she used to stock canned goods. B+M baked beans, corn beef hash, fruit etc. So I grabed some of these items, some matches and some of my camping gear and pot's and pan's. I left my nana a note telling her that I was alright and would continue to be so and I left and headed back to my camp. When I finally got back to camp and unpacked I made myself a snack to fuel up. I had a bunch of change in with my camping gear and I was pretty low on smokes so I waited till it was near dark before I headed for town and I knew this house that I was pretty sure I could get some smokes from a friend who was F. Varney. I took the back way into town as I traveled there was only a little traffic. I made it around in less than thirty minutes actually when I arrived at his house he had just finished supper and was out up in his tree house. I filled him out on what I needed and he brought me out some rolling papers tobacco and a pack of bouts and hooked me up with a little food as I continued to fill him in on all that was going on. We hung out for about an hour or so and then I took off and headed back the same way to camp. I was just a little more than three quarters of the way back when I heard a car coming from behind me and as I turned around and looked I could see police headlights that shined in my eyes from the reflection of the moon I was sure and I headed running into the woods while at the same time grabbed my little flashlight and turned it on and off and headed in the direction and angle to my camp.
This incident and maneuver set me back about thirty minutes before reaching my camp but I made it. I grabbed a bite to eat and a drink took my cloths off checked for any wood tics and climbed into my sleeping bag for the night. I stayed there camped till the next night as there was a home no far away that I used to play with some othere neighborhood kids and I stole there station wagon car that had the keys in the ignition. I started heading towards Moultonboro N.H. and I had never drove a car before so I guess I was doing OK. As I was just about making it to the Moultonboro town line a state trooper put his flashing lights on and chased me up to a speed to 80 miles per hour and I attempted to make this fourty five degree angle turn. Well I ended up swerving all over the and the car headed between two tree's and over a tree stump and I went airborne and went right through the living room just missing the bedroom and halfway through the barn wall entrance. I had later learned from an older Christian brother that these were very nice folks and they had gone out of there way to see how I was doing. These folks now have very large boulders lying on the outskirts of their home. This was a time when this juvenile who was a little over thirteen and was tried as an adult and was sentenced to the Carroll County H.O.C. jail in Ossipee N.H... A Russell Whiting was the superintendent of the jail at the time. Inmates at the jai had nick named him Pooh Bear. He was one overweight man with a big belly. He was a really good man though. I found out later that my grandmother knew him pretty well. It was at this time that I had first experienced smoking pot. I was a follower but it was actually pretty good but back then most pot was high quality and not as expensive as it is now. This was my one and only time doing it there. But from 1989 to 2007 there was quite a bit of pot smoking incidents and where alcohol came into play. All these years I passed through the court system and jail a some thirty three times actually. I always plead guilty even if I could of beat the charges. My wife and two son's had been enduring enough of my drinking journey I did'nt want to subject them to a trial experience on top of what I'd put them through. When serving my time I preferred to serve it in the jail part not the bunk room. With people waiting trial and or work release. This is when I had more time smoking pot. I was housed with this one dude who was on work release and at the end of his work shift he would report back to jail and he'd smuggle some weed in with him. Alot of times I'd be sitting down on the floor in the bullpen either playing chess or cards with a guy through the bars and he'd be poping a joint into my mouth to drag on with my face pressed up against the bars and we'd have a good time, and we'd never got caught or searched. The new superintendent at that time was Dennis Robinson. He was a former captain of the guards at N.H. State Prison. He remembered me. There was this one othere time in there I managed to get a work release. I was working in Wolfeboro N.H. down by the old boat house a drinking bar. A new hardware store was being built. I was working for this guy building an putting together some kind of heating and air duct system. After work each day this guy would stop at the convenience store buy some beer and we'd go to one of his properties and drink a few beers, then take me back to jail.
This went on for a couple of weeks. Well this one guard Alan Drewin was checking me back into jail and said he smelled alcohol on me said he could bust me but he didn't. I had this problem with the jail and the court system. I attempted on the inside of jail as well on the streets to find a alcohol rehabilitation center that would take me in for treatment but there was always an excuse or loop hole. I even asked Supt. Dennis Robinson but got nowhere. In all the years with public defender representation they never once tried or suggest to help me into one. Not once did the court ever try as well order treatment as well eve have a alcohol evaluation done on me. In my life time there was only one ever done and it was ordered in Merrimack County district in the 1990s. I was required to get it and pay for it as well. It stated that I was an alcoholic and that I needed a long term residential treatment program. I had five misdemeanor charges at the time and I spent three days in jail and because of a loophole in the law I didn't go from jail to the rehab. There isn't any logic and the ignorance of so many people in the courts, jails, mental health, drug counselors etc and if a inmate desires to attend and the state, courts, lawyers and medical professionals in N.H. and elsewhere just desire to keep the door continually revolving and these people with so called credentials, see people hurt and killed and say that their human beings and yet show no desire to make and have a real changing starting place one that works and not there same old cycle. While at this jail in 2008 I paid $425.00 for a polygraph test through Global Polygraph Network in N.Y. They had over twenty five years experience and impeccable credentials. Famous cases, from murder, rape etc anyways
They tested me on some of things I've stated here and thier tests state I'm telling the truth etc. In some retrospect of my life there sure are many unneeded problems with our many state systems as well we have alot of positions of some people that should'nt be there regardless of there college degrees. I think our whole penology system and mental health system would be better with a new breed of people. People who actually know what to do and are caring instead of thyself only. We've got a system that's actually creating and literally torturing the mentally ill and mental health erra.
Transcribed in 2017.
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