Transcript
Ex Con for President By Tony Vick I am absolutely fascinated with the current presidential election. The issues seem to be bounced around like an out-of-control tennis ball, swayed by polling and not grounded in any deep-rooted conviction. Then it hit me. The best candidate for president would be an Ex Con. The Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution may still put felons in the slave category, but ironically it doesn’t exclude Ex Cons from being the leader of the free world — President of the United States of America. Ex Cons have the necessary experience for the job. Now stay with me, it makes a lot of sense. Let me make my case, then you decide if you agree. Here are some of the important issues of the day and how an Ex Con Administration would deal with them: Healthcare Under an Ex Con Administration, citizens would only have to pay a $3 co-pay for all medical services or needs. What American’s don't realize is that there is a drug that cures most every ailment: Tylenol. The prison system determined this years ago. From a toothache to a heart attack, Tylenol will ease your symptoms. If for some reason your symptoms persist, you will be put on a waiting list to see a doctor. Amazingly, before you actually see a doctor, your symptoms will have subsided or you will be dead. Either way, the pain is gone. We all have to go sometime. Besides, that’s what you get for eating all that salty, deep-fried food. You brought it on, so deal with it. We'll save billions, and isn’t that what you want? Anyway, all these people living so long has put a strain on our Social Security program. We need to bring the average life span back to between 60-65 years old. Again, billions will be saved as well as ensuring Social Security remains viable. Also, too many hospitals are sucking up federal dollars. Keep your ass home if you're sick. Keep a stock of saltine crackers, Sprite, and of course, Tylenol, for those days when your tummy is upset. Just because you think it’s an emergency, doesn’t mean that it is. Have you tried Tylenol? Abortion Too many people on earth are using up too many resources. Why? Because they're living too long. Not good, just not good. You don’t bring more cows to the farm if you don't have enough field for them to graze. If your heart gives out, and Tylenol doesn't help, you're simply making room for a new baby. So until we fix the problem, men need to keep their sperm to themselves. It can be done. Ask the thousands of men in prison. It’s called self-control. A president needs self-control. Besides, wouldn't this solve the abortion problem? Fewer babies mean fewer abortions. Too many stupid people are having babies. There needs to be a competency test of some sort. If you can't adequately wipe your own ass, you certainly can’t clean up a pooed diaper. Under an Ex Con Administration, wnen a competent person wants to have a baby — take a number. When space permits, your number will be called - first come, first served. Fairness. A president needs to be fair. Since an Ex Con Administration’s plan for healthcare mostly solved the abortion issue, now we can really focus on life. Doesn’t a Pro-Life stance mean caring for all life — including those currently living outside the womb? How about caring for the 2.5 million people in prison in America? And what about the millions of newly released Ex Cons struggling to make it on the outside? From womb to tomb, all life is important. But dead is DEAD! Money spent on memorials and statues is a waste of tax dollars. Prisoners get buried in unmarked graves in no man’s land. Easy, efficient -Dead is DEAD. Presidents need to be fiscally responsible. Billions saved. Same Sex Marriage An Ex Con Administration would support allowing people to love and marry whomever they wish. Felons have learned that love can be found in strange places — even behind razor-wire fences. Intimacy and sexuality can be shared between two heterosexual men or two heterosexual women. It’s all about location, location, location. We all need to be loved, held, and to feel wanted and desired. When eyes are closed, lips and arms are just lips and arms, both of which can comfort you. So what's the big deal? If you have a penis and don't want to marry someone with a penis — guess what? You don’t have to. But don't stand in the way of those who do. And if you want to be like many convicts and be “gay for the stay,” more power to you. Felons learn quickly to mind their own business. Similarly, a president doesn’t need to be in everyone's business. Don’t ask the president who he’s porking in the oval office, and, in return, he won't ask you who you’re porking in your bedroom. Can I get an Amen? Economy Under an Ex Con Administration, we will pay as we go - debt not allowed. We will live within our means, and that's that. If you're lucky enough to have a job in prison, you'll probably only make about 17 cents an hour. Your monthly income will top out at about $20. With that, you must purchase soap, deodorant, shampoo, razors, toothpaste and brushes, etc. If you need medical care, that is $3 per visit. If you need medicine, even Tylenol, that’s another $3. If you use the telephone, the cost is between $1 and $10 for a thirty minute call. If you mail a letter, there goes another 50 cents. So you see, felons learn quickly how to stretch a dollar, or learn a hustle to supplement their income. There are convicts hand washing clothes, cleaning rooms, making crafts, etc. to trade for goods they need to get by. Bartering and trading are simple and effective methods of survival. If you are stupid enough to get into debt with a convict, and don’t pay with interest, the result could be deadly — literally. So what does that mean for communities? Well, if you can’t afford to pay your fireman, then you better be ready to sling buckets of water at a fire. If you can't afford electricity, you better start cutting wood for a fire and gather some bees wax to make candles for light. If you can’t afford daycare for your child, then you need to stay home or barter with someone to help you. Otherwise, don’t get a number to have a kid. If you can't afford a car, you better live close to where you work so you can hoof it. The walk will save you that gym membership fee. Bottom line: as a country, we take in a certain amount of money — that’s how much we have to spend. It’s not rocket science, people. We don’t need China to come beat our asses on account of our debt. “No” is always a perfectly acceptable answer. Do we have money to build a school — No. Do we have money to fix the pot holes — No. So, get a shovel and some gravel and go to work. A president needs to be practical and be able to say “No.” Billions saved. Military Under an Ex Con Administration, our military will be “strapped.” Convicts learn early on from the gangs in prison. Watching them operate is a lesson straight from West Point. Aim your big weapons at your enemy, and they aim theirs at you. If they're about the same size, nothing usually happens. In this case, size does matter. Men knew this all along. In prison, a place where you are not supposed to have knives and other weapons, it’s amazing how many are found during and after a gang fight. Homemade shanks are brandished and used with surgical precision on those critical body parts that can bring death on quickly. That’s training, good training. Gang members brag about their arsenal as a means to dissuade their opponents from using theirs. To carry out their missions, they recruit members who are ruthless, intimidating and strong. A strong, strapped group is necessary to prevail. When you do have to use force, you must do as much harm to your enemy as possible. So, an Ex Con Administration will have a strong, armed military that will display its might, and, if forced, will use it to destroy the enemy. Looking over your shoulder for the enemy to appear is no way to live. Living in fear sucks. A president should be fearless. Bipartisanship Under an Ex Con Administration, you will see people coming together and compromising on important matters. A convict is forced to learn the art of compromise because conflict results in a life spent in solitary confinement. If you want to live with other people, you must compromise. When a felon is plopped into an 8’ x 10’ cell with a total stranger, negotiation is the tool that keeps you alive. From establishing bowel movement times to learning to move about the small space without touching each other, compromise is key. Cellmates must design methods to obtain some sort of privacy by hanging a bed sheet up when going number two, or pretending you don’t hear or smell all the farts, burps and other bodily functions. These things teach the prisoner political correctness necessary to remain civil with each other. You quickly see what's really important. No one gets everything he wants. You must be willing to give a little and meet somewhere in the middle. If not, all you have is a big cock fight where one of the roosters gets bloody. And who wants to see a bloody cock? So now, think about it. Have you heard any presidential candidates having as much real-life, practical experience as an Ex Con? A president needs to be street smart. As a matter of fact, we may want to amend the Constitution to make a prison stay a mandatory requirement prior to running for president. At least the person has started out as a crook instead of possibly ending up as one. A reformed convict, who has seen the error of his ways, who has been released from prison, has the credentials to lead our nation. He can’t vote for himself, because he’s a felon, but you can! Tony for President 2048
