Finding me

Oguntodu, Joseph



Finding me There is a 34 year old queer black male who has tried to do something. He hates the homophobia that surrounds him daily. He is called renegade punk by the haters, He wants to finish his BA in Sociology, pursue his masters in LGBTQI studies and a PhD in Educational Leadership. He enjoys quality. Many people don't understand hi. They get frustrated with his questioning of things. He supports interracial relationships. He has had more problems in prison and some in the free world. He has had a lot of criticism all over the board. People are jealous of him. They prey, extort, force him to pay for protection. I am Joseph Oguntodu. I am a beautiful guy looking for his queer match as a bear told me when I was 16 "Don't go looking for love. but let it find you, I have attracted so many guys, however many are not the best fit. I am much of a Beta male. I wont to be in a long [term] relationship. I have attracted control freaks. many of my cellmates have dominated me. They make my living more difficult. They place me with black cellmates on purpose. they feel they can railroad me. I am considered a freak weirdo, and everything else in the book. Why hate a nerd? I am stuck with wannabe thugs, hipsters, etc. This is not my life. I am [surrounded] by noise constantly, people leaving me worrying about [what] everyone else think. gang members saying "I can't hang with homosexuals because they will get violated. Gang members feel they can act crazy toward me. I have been forced by cellmates to clean the cell. It is concrete. The more one cleans it will still get dirty. For the 1st 5 or so years I cleaned. They gave us cheap bleach, [ineligible] and chemicals. they don't actually work. I am trapped with so many personalities. They are like 7 yr old children. I told my cell mate I don't raise kids, you need to wake up on your own. I am tired of dealing with you. You don't remember basic things. It is like you are on your deathbed. I don't hardly say anything to him no more. Administration won't move him. I told sqt Jonathan Hyatt last week. He said "You are not going to have a perfect cellmate. I have to put up with his griping over things he can't control. Lockdown well be coming up in September. I can’t wait to go home not dead with the prisoners that has cause me problems. I have started going to Eastern Religions each Tuesday. It has helped me cope with issues all around me. I am hardly in pain. I like the music they play. It is more relaxing. During my teen years I had a bad experience with fundamentalism. They say “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” There is no progressive chaplains in the Texas prison system. Many are older white males. The chaplaincy department lacks diversity. They vote Republican Most of the volunteers are Republican. Why would they report supremacy? I see it every time I forced to make conversation with them. Why come down to the prison? Many of them just are doing it just to hang out. I felt called to the gospel ministry at 13. I didn’t like how far right was treating people. I left in Aug 2001 for a queer congregation. Even then I was still wrestling with the closet. I had one foot in the straight world and the other in the queer world. I was getting lots of hugs/kisses as I stepped into my new church home. The [ineligible] of hope. They know what its like to be marginalized by society. No other church would provide the services. After 7 years, not many of my fellow queerlings have written. I was deeply concerned about them, They have mentored me along the way. What will it be like for me to walk back to my church after being away for over 10 years. I have missed funerals, holy unions, birthday parties, anniversaries and my family of choice. I am redefining who I was, who I am/and whom I am becoming. I hated that I didn’t get to campaign for Hillary Clinton. Upon my release, I will campaign for the Democrat. It will be exciting. Love trump’s hate. I can’t be locked up forever in a warehouse. All 48 of us having issues. It’s hot and sticky many are not in good condition. I am wanting to pursue a lot of things yet. I tend to procrastinate. I want to write a book. No one can stop me from fulfilling that dream. I never been a great writer. It would be amazing. I have been given so many ideas over the years. It is hard to fall asleep at night thinking of these things. How can I make people like me? It is a difficult task. I learned that not everyone is going to like you its their choice. Many judge on the outward appearance instead of in the heart. I am a kind hearted individual most of the time. there are times when I am upset by things. The main things are losing people. I have to understand that it is a normal process as one gets older you will begin to understand. I want to live past 100 and still be with scholastic activities. I don't believe in just sitting down. You must take initiative to get what you want. Opportunity is always knocking at your door. Draw a circle around your life. Where do you want to be in the next 10-20 years? I have to take care of things when I discharge. I will have to clean my toy collection, clothes, shoes, and other things of value in order for my mother to live a simple life. I like collecting things. I found out early in life that I am a hoarder. I muse learn to reduce things. I got this from the females in the family. We call it "pack rat". I want to pursue my PhD before I turn 50. I have to set a goal and not let anything get into the way. I will have to study long and hard. I can't wait to get back to Toastmasters pursue the Rotary, Lions Club, The Democratic Party and the other progressive organizations. I encourage people to give back to the community what the community has given to you. I substitute thought in the school district that I went to. I started out young, I had over 25 jobs during 1997-2010. Will I be able to find an employer witch will help in the long haul or will I have to deal with SSI/Disability. I want to spend the rest of the time that I have left finding me. It is an adventure worth watching. I want to explore more the political, mental, physical, social, spiritual, educational, sexual and other sides of myself. I am still questioning things. I don't have all the answers. The fundamentalists feel they do. For fuure generations will individuals find themselves. Christopher Reeve did playing Superman, Ellen Degeneres did after coming out in 1997 and now a successful talk show host. Oprah Winfrey did after shrugging with her weight while having her own network. Don't feel like you're the only one trying to find your voice. Get involved in something that will help change you and society. You are not alone. You are the one that the world is waiting for. Everyday creates your history, live your conquest and legacy. I pay tribute to those that have been murdered because of their sexual orientation. PULSE in Orlando, Matthew Shepard, and others. Make the best of your life.

Author: Oguntodu, Joseph

Author Location: Texas

Date: August 21, 2017

Genre: Essay

Extent: 3 pages

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