I have been in the hole, what they call the s.h.u. or s.m.u. in Federal Prison for 5 months now. I thank god B.O.P. gives us a cell mate and we can buy radios. We are only allowed pens though and I am an artist and that makes it extremely hard to draw. At 1st I tried burning the end of a rolled up piece of paper. I accomplished this by using batteries from my radio. I didn't really like the effect so, I paid a orderly (an inmate with special work privileges) 5 stamps for a pencil and then 5 more for an eraser. Everything is stamps in the Feds. That's our monetary system and 10 stamps may not seem like a lot but most Kats in here are lucky to have a job that pays 20.00 a month even 18.00 a month. If you're lucky enough to have a job at all.
One thing after another too. My eyes are going bad. I close my right eye and can barely see outta my left when reading. Once I get out of the hole it may be a year before I get a new prescription. This is the Feds and I am not complaining. Not at all. Just telling it like it is for me right now. I would have went and stayed in church if I was scared. Never thought it would be this bleak though. This kind of time really messes with you. You fixate on things left unfinished on the outside. You wonder why those you love left you for dead or seem to have. If you have people who will help you on the outside it seems to take forever for things to happen. I've waited 2 years now for someone, anyone to list my work on the internet or help me start a business. Just a small stop to the laying of a foundation. I guess that's what's in the cards for me. I'm just playing the hand I was dealt by my upbringing and life choices. Now I'm trying to finish that hand by god, thought choices and family. I look a round this cell that's the size of 1 1/2 vans and I see graffiti- things like fat (female dog) killa 503 outta Portland Oregon and an oak style cross with fruit sticker stuck to it in the middle where well, where the middle of an oak cross is LOL! It's crazy though how people just shine you on when you are in prison. It's almost like now that your gone that your no longer relevant. When in actuality if they really loved you they be all over helping you to do anything positive or just to stay alive financially or otherwise. The feds are not your father's old oldsmobile, more like one o' them mad max cars. But who cares right? Your not a round to do the things you did like give or lend money, take a phone call, love and live. So whatever and here I am fixated on unfinished business, proof I ain't lying and if I was a clown I'd say "he ain't lying and then honk my horn twice."
Regardless of any and all things I have hopes and dreams. All positive and I'm going to try and work towards them with or without help. In the words of Mike Enemigo, a lifer somewhere "your first idea usually isn't your best." That Kat is right my 1st idea is almost never my best. Sae la ve I'ma think outside this box the size of 1 1/2 vans and love myself like I still love others.
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