I sit closer to the day that I will soon be released back into general population

X, Chris



1# June 7, 2020 Dear Reader(s), I sit closer to the day that I will soon be released back into general population. My heart beats the normal beat, yet my senses are hightened. My tongue gets dry pretty fast. My eyes are seeing more than these four walls that have been my homie since December 01, 2018. My finger tips are sweaty to touch and too dry to shake. I hear more than my name and the voices that have plagued my conscience since a early adolescant. 23 hours and 1 Monday through Friday, Saturday and Sunday 24 hours lockdown. Corona Virus has now make Monday-Friday merge into pre-corona virus time table. Every day is 24 hours locked down, untill it's not. As I said I sit closer untill the day that I'll be released back into General Population. I pray, hope, and wish that I'm able to cope this time. Last time that I was held on long term solitary confinement and isolation and released back around people, I didn't fair so well. My heart beats as I replay that day. The mace burns still in my mind. I can taste the blood now as I bite my tongue to write these very words of my experience, reality, and truth. I told my psych staff that I'm nervous around those who are not like me. Years ago my father told me 50% is the medication and 50% is your behavior. You must meet in the middle and join in harmony. I take meds for audio psychosis 2 times a day. Enough to knock out a fucking horse. 2# So when I am told that I am a man, and told that I can, all that I know is I am male and I need. Need to not be heard but listened too. Need to be overstood instead of understood. Need treatment for what lies in my spirit and not meds. I don't want any more drugs. (Pause) Excuse me, I just had to scream "Literally." (Unpause) Thank you. I was the aggressor each time I robbed someone of their breath, property, hope, and/or desire to live free from my personal fuckery. Some individuals were not my target, yet they became my victim. Does DPSCS have help for me? I must donate my organ (brain) to them. I have to because it is possible that studies will show in the future a tool for those who are like me. The social workers, case managers, psychology, and education departments are not equipped enough to handle me. I say this because I have never seen a social worker in 4 1/2 years on this location. Case managers diagnosed me from my base file before they seen me. Psychology has an individual who holds no psychology degree as of yet, and who I believe has read how to show empathy and emotions out of a book. The education department is non existant to me. I don't blame them. I blame me. This is my 1st hand experience. Christopher Reginald Cox, Jr. STG member. Human SMI inmate. Knowledge Seeker. A broken heart could only tell the world "That it needs help." Help! (Peace)

Author: X, Chris

Author Location: Maryland

Date: June 7, 2020

Genre: Essay

Extent: 2 pages

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