I thought the n-word today

Jills, Jacob



I THOUGHT THE N-WORD TODAY BY JACOB JILLS Texas prison is a black man's second home, a brown man's dream, and a white man's nightmare... I heard this joke in a county jail awaiting the infamous "Bluebird". A Texas Department of Criminal Justice (TDCJ) "chain" bus all county prisoners board for their ride to prison. This bus is actually a dirty white with coal black tinted windows. "Bluebird" comes from the little blue bird logo of the manufacturer. Forget all the movies you've seen depicting nervous prisoners shackled single file onto a long chain shuffling out to jeering, taunting prison inmates standing at chainlink fences . In Texas you're simply handcuffed to another un­ fortunate before boarding. And the area you "unass" the Bluebird is a secured location free from eagerly lurking, predatory offenders standing at chainlink fences betting on which of t he new fish will cry out first. Something else I heard in county: If you were'nt a racist before comming to prison, you will be when you leave. I have never been a racist. My entire life I've prided myself on trying to treat everyone equally, fairly,. and respectfully. I've never seen ''color." I see men. I see women. Most of my friends throughout my 45 years have been people of color. In fact, like I - wrote in my essay "Hunger Games, Prepare!", "I'm more comfortable around the browns, even the blacks, than the whites" I loath all these white offenders around me with swastikas and "lightening bolts" tattoed across their cowardly, pale skin. Lightening bolts are the Nazi 11 SS11 letters desinged to resemble bolts of lightening, paying homage to Blitz­krieg; the lightening offensive tactics of the Garman army in 1 39, '40. I had a great uncle and a great grandfather die in Germany . So the ''Aryans" can all go straight to hell... Really I'm lucky. Prison has significantally calmed down from decades past. The Safe Prisons Act and the Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA) has made significant strides in protecting inmates like me: small, young looking, no gang Jacob Jills-2 affiliation. Here in Texas, anyway. Not so much in Gerogria, from what I've read recently going on in their prisons. At my ''farm" the guards take PREA seriously and quickly step in at any sign of problems. Of course I'm on a minimum security facility. I'm greatful for the relative safety and comfort at my location. There are some grimly violent and dangerous prisons in Texas I probably wouldn't make it in. Which accounts for my model inmate behavior. We have our share of debauchery, however. In the four years I've been here one inmate has been beaten to death. few have been stabbed. Multiple have been pummelled so severly an emergency trip to a free world hospital was required. Currently,,our biggest problem is Spice, or K-2 (synthetic marijuana). Numerous inmates have overdosed causing erratic, zombie like symptoms. The drug smuggled in by corrupt guards on the take. The root cause of all this barbarity? It's a volatile mixture of things: The spartan living conditions. The oppressive, and deadly, summer heat with no AC. The crowded living spaces. The American cul_ture of racism, discrimination, and self-segregation. A lack of adequate mental health services. The sadistic guard who antagonizes and instigates and who is just plain mean. (Though, most guards are decent, honest people simply trying to make a living for their', fam­ ilies while serving a community they believe in.) I would say more than ninety-five percent of men in prison come from the streets rife with drugs, guns, crime, and poverty. Men from shattered child­ hoods with little to no fatherly role models to provide positive life lessons. Introduced to drugs and alcohol at an early age, the streets of America, as­ sisted by the 1994 crime bill and a corrupted court/justice system that favors wealth and privlidge over citizenship, American men. and women are used as fod­ der to feed the insatiable appetite of the for profit prison industrial com­ plex. Complete with an inadequate, broken parole structure that favors only O.J. Simpson; a televised propagandic coup for American Criminal "Justice". None of us in Texas will ever see parole like the Juice. Parole does not work like that! Chicago's mayor is wrong for calling for harsher sentencing guidlines to mitigate the Windy City's epidemic gun violence. It's state and federal prison and what I just wrote above that create deadly streets. Our criminal "justice" leaders must be mad scientists with their volatile crime "prevention" mixtures that boil over and explode into American neighborhoods. What do you expect men to do leaving crime filled streets for an even more crime infested prison system only to be released back to crime ridden streets? If his Mayorship really wants to make his streets safer he should start by meeting with'his Governor tfoverhaul the courts and fix his prisons. Mass incarceration and the predatory, gladitorial nature of American prisons is what enables 50 shot, 10 dead over a weekend. Brown men, black men, white men in prison self segregate. Most prisons require gang affiliation for protection. Racial gangs and racial violence is inevitable ... Texas prison is a black man's second home, a brown man's dream, and a white man's nightmare. \ Jacob Jills-3 A black man's second home because they make themselves at home disre­specting everyone else with their extremely loud, obnoxious, masturbating be­havior. By far blacks in prison are the most disrespectful race. They do what they want, how they want, whenever they want, wherever they want--everyone else be damned! More than any other race blacks have no qualms about pulling out their penis and masturbating, "killing on" a female guard out in the open in front of all. They yell, scream, slam dominoes against metal tables. They overtly hate whites, and use their new surroundings to revenge American racial inequal­ity. They just do not care about anyone other than themselves. A brown man's dream because the browns run everything given their numbers, their self discipline, and their professional criminal organizations. By far the browns are the most respectful, organized, and best led race. They police their own with firm, fair, and consistent sternness. They unite as one during riots and other inter-gang conflicts. The browns are the most "honorable" (if there is such a thing as "honor among theives") and for the most part are true convicts. A White man's nightmare because in prison whites are generally prey. Whites get all the leftovers. Whether this be tables to sit at, TVs to watch, or any kind of say or "vote" regarding dayroom activities. Whites have historically been the minority and face racial discrimination as a matter of policy. Whites are by far the worst led race in prison. Aryan "leaders" are gen­ erally selfish, greedy meth-heads who lead from the rear for personal gain and comfort rather than for their soldiers and respective organizations as a whole. Whi te gangs are always fighting one another. My first fight in prison was with a bullying black gang member tatted head to toe only one week in. As I was winning this duel other blacks attempted to jump in. The browns all stood up and demanded one-on-one. The whites idly sat by and would have allowed two, three, four. on one ( me!). Everyone in Texas prison' knows that as a group, white offendres cannot be relied upon as allies in riots or other organized criminal activity. Of course this is all a generalized observation. Every race has their good and their bad, and not every member fits a common mold. For the first time in my life I thought the N-word today. And I am ashamed, dissapointed in myself, and frustrated. I seriously despise the "N" word! But it's all you hear all day by all races and it's hard to not dislike an entire group of people, as a race, when these people look at me and because of my skin hate me, and until I fought one, and won, tried to bully me, extort me. They now show a form of deliberate indifference to my presence. I do not dislike their skin color, their race. I hate their behavior. For someone suffering the mind bending effects of PTSD they are walking, breathing, living triggers... and I thought to myself: goddamn N-words! at all the scream­ ing, domino slamming. But such is the nature of prison. One of the reasons Gary Gilmore, Utah's last execution by firing squad, waived his appeal of death was because he didn't, couldn't live with the ungodly noise of prison. Jacob Jills-4 I confessed my N-word thought to my black friend. He is old-school and like me is a veteran and was a professional out in the free-world. We have a lot in common from our photography ventures, to our exstensive international travels. I thought he was going to be mad at me and I apologized. Suprisingly he laughed out loud and said, "Man, I think the N-word a hundred times a day with all these youngsters and their juvenile, gansta wannabe antics. I would be more concerned if you didn't think the N-word." When all these black,' brown, and white men are released back to their streets all this racial.. '? segregation, hatred, and violence follows them. The crimes learned, perfected in prison follow them. American prisons offer little to no true rehabilitative potential. Not from my perspective, anyway. Facing the brunt of racial discrimination for the first time in my life, I think I have a better understanding of the anger people of color possess... I recently told a group of blacks on the basketball court, "When I look at you all I see are men! When you look at me don't see a "White-boy!" I play ball well. Given my small size and lack of pigmentation, excep­tionally well. Four different times I've had to nearly fight on the rec yard court. None of them want me out there playing. But I play anyway and as a : result have some black friends. But I'm ridiculed by the "Aryans" for having black friends. It's really a lose lose situation... November, 6 , 2016 -- election night! Both TVs in the dayroom were tuned to the coverage. Early on the blacks and browns were hopeful. As the results tri­ckled in, however, their moods turned somber. To the man the whites sat calmly patiently trying to show no emotion, lest to cause a fight. When it was ap­parent Trump had won the whites made subtle, covert eye contact with a simple nod of the head. In prison election night had turned into a massive racial issue. The blacks and browns were angry! Some dejected and forlorn in hope­ lessness. One stood up and cried out..., "We're all fucked now! Even you white boys! You think Trump gives a fuck about us!" I sat there pondering the Democratic Crime Bill that had sent many of those around me to prison, not understanding the black's love of the Clintons. When Bill apologized for his mass incarceration measures everyone forgave him. Yet the first president in a generation to offer any real prison reform is 1 hated still... as a racist! Where's the logic in that? I was not a Trump sup­porter, by the way. But I do know Hillary wouldn't have pushed for prison reform. I couldn't stand either candidate. But, if I could vote in 2020, I'd vote for Trump. There are a lot of racists in prison from every race. I am not one of them! I apologize, for what it's worth, for thinking the N-word today... But does it really matter? Because of my skin color I'm by default assumed to be a racist. I'm for sure one now by my "vote"! If you weren't a racist before coming to prison, you will be when you leave. NO!, not me... THE END

Author: Jills, Jacob

Author Location: Texas

Date: July 29, 2019

Genre: Essay

Extent: 5 pages

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