I wish to show you. My hoped for reader. In the following true story. The catch 22's of wich are meny. That we inmates & fuck ups like myself are faced with daily. I was the other day attacked by a small minded childish inmate. In my own cell. The excuse for the attack was that I repeated somthing someone said. (Which I did in passing unthinkingly) the real reason was. That I in my unsanctioned jail house business (a typ of art) was better and more prosperous at than my only competitor. (The one hwo attacked me) and because he could not steal my customers with prices less than half mine he attack me. When attacked me I did no more then put him in a head lock and hold his wrists to keep him from doing any "real" harm to me. And refused to use offensive options. You see I'v lived a life of extreme violence Iv hert lots of people badly (non of them random or innocent) and Iv been hert badly a lot as well. And this violence has ruined my life.
And so I desided to try a (new) way. That is to not ingage in offensive violence except when I judge my self or a innocent or my valubles to be in "real and present danger" Iv put down dangaras and tuff men even (small) groups of them on my own. Yet I must say I am no (trained) fighter. In a offenceiv fighting position I only know how to act in savige manner breaking fingers, coller bones, noses, ether I am seeking to maim or kill in a wild animal way. Or I can only act in a basic defensiv manner which will end me with black eye's bumps and contushuns. But no seariass damiges. I have about 20# years of prison time suspended over my head and have about seven to ten months left befor my release after a three and a half year term of incarceration. So my "real" options when I was ataked where (win) by fighting in extreem as is the only way I know hwo or useing a defensiv postur and takeing black eyes bumps and brusis but no major damiges. I as I said, picked the second. After which I stayed in my cell to avoid the guards so they would not know I had been in a fight to avoid ferther unplesintniss. Yet one inmate snitched and the gards questioned me and tryed to get me to say who ataked me which I would not do. Again a snitch told the and they came in and got one inmate that was actuly involved and one that only was a "lookout". After which the gards again tryed to get me to tell. I would not. Now the gards told me how they think Im dumb because I will not tell. And that they feal Im crazy because I will not use offensive violence in such situation. As just happend and the inmates also state that they think Im crazy for not doing more than the least needed to prevent searyass damage to my self. (I ended up with two black eye's and a few bumps). And the rest of the inmates wisper behind my back how they think is snitched! which I did not do! Now given that I do not know how to fight in a "normal" way and can only do things in a fight that result in hospitlasation of my oponint. (I dont know how to adaquitly throw a punch. But do know a few dangarass moves). And that I have a violent crimanal record and have been told by criminel court judges that if I get one more searass violence conviction I will get at least fifteen years prison time! I am understandably in terror of hospitalizing anyone again. Yet as Iv intimated I do not start violence with people. Nor do I hert inacent law abiding people. Each person I ever hert ataked me or a person that could not adiquitly defend themselvs. And now I am in fear of comiting the dangarass sin of self defense! Because of my inadiquit fighting stile I ether get beat up or hospitalize some one. And becaus of the threts of the courts I am afreaid to fight back when ataked. My first ever violent conviction and my first ever fellony conviction, in short, was a situation in which a person I thought was a frend wile we where drunk ataked me quit violently. (at one point he shuved my face in a campfire!) I defended my self very violently. And at the end he lied in court and the jury at sentencing said "Mr. Reese I do beleave that you wher fighting under searyass thret of searass bodaly harm and or death" However because of the sevarity of Mr. Davis's wounds I cannot find you not gilty by reason of self defence."
I ended up doing three years prison time and lost evrything ever since Iv strugled with un-employment, homelessnis, and re-incarsaration: Iv been reduced to eating out of dumpsters more then one time and cannot get my driveing rights back etc. And so now even thow I can defeat my atakers I am afread to defend my self. And when I refuse to do so, I am ridaquld by both officers and inmates and (all) others I incounter. So meny think me weak or a cowerd.
Iv defeated in fights killers, and and wors and know that if I let loss I am not the most dangarass around. But am (one) of the most dangaras anyplace Iv been. But I'v been reduced to letting punks and weaklings black my eye's etc for fear of un-reasonabl so-called justice systoms. And when I make the choise to maturly put asid my ego to prevent myself getting 15# years in prison I am ridiquled! If I fight back in the only way I know how, I risk spending the rest of my life locked up! If I dont, I risk becoming a punching bag for punks pussys and cowerds!
And beond all that I also fear to partake of such offenceiv violence because I know how easy it is to get stuck into a habit of activ violence! And I truly wish to live a life of peac and prospearity and of spiritul advancement's. So what can I do? Alow my self to be victamized to avoid decaids in prison? Fight back and risk my hole life and futur to prevent victamizations? And this is not just a problem I encounter in jails and prisons but also in the so called free world as well! For thoughs who have not lived a violent life it is hard to understand that "we" who have seem to atract whithout intention others who have as well and most who have lived with such violence. unfortunitly do not seek to learn a more peacefull way. And so for those like (me) the odds of un-intentionaly encountoring willfully violent people are larg. Iv litarilly had people ask me after they beat on me and I refuse to use a offenceve stance, "Whats rong with you?" "I know you can fuck me up why dont you stop holding back?" "Fight me for real!" You may find such a statement un-belivabl but it is a truth that greatly desterbs my life! And I am not the only one that struggls with such questions and conundrums. And I know that most choose to retern to violence as a active offinceive aspect of self expreshon. Because like me they cannot find any other reasonabl alteritive. Just as meny as not of "us" inmates and "criminals" do not "choose" to continu liveing such un-helthy and un-productive lives because we "like it". but because of a lack of understood preseevable reasonabl alternitive options. Tell me, what the hell would you do?
This is by Michael.John.Reese
D.O.B. 02-07-1982 and my nick name is -Stranger-
Thank you and blessed be
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