Transcript
Its a bad idea to cause our actions in life, but now we know its really important to recognize that the more we try to avoid something, the more difficult it become to overcome, which in turn makes us more liable to our family and friends. People not only avoid situations and try to leave, they also often do things to make themselves feel more safe. They may help at the time, but they help keep the problem going because the untrusted person will never learn that awful things could continue to happen. Now that I become real with myself I had to understand that I'm no longer living my life as a victim. This is my way or form of seeking help within is writing against my life from the outside in. Derrika always told me people deserves to seek help by talking to a close friend or doctor naming what happened through out my life learning to grieve past trauma becoming hopeful and eliminate emotional pain and not being afraid to tell people my story. She's a thriver, I mean her gratitude for everything in life has its groundful meaning, as well as Maria Brooks who sees her world as an overflowing miracle for a new life, oneness between two proud women of healthy self caring who has been wounded and now healing and advise me to do the same. Now I continue living in the present with faith in myself that I will get through this loving life. We as people need to understand that emotional pain will pass and bring new road beyond telling a story, but showing your story while others witness that your story has created its own healing, and lives with an open heart for yourself and others. My entire life Journey ultimately consist of the steps I'm taking at this moment. Theres is always only one step, and so I'm giving it my fullest attention. "Aint nothing but a blue marshmallow sundae". (lol) Over time I was full of pride and selfishness, I believed that I could handle my affairs, "friendships or relations", even through I was making a mess of my life. I was very stubborn as Derrika would say, and didnt like to take advice. I really resented being told what to do by my brothers and sisters. To me, humility looked like weakness, but when I came into this life Im living at the time Im writing this, I began to be humble, and I discovered that life gave me the power I needed to to defeat the old life style. "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength", Corrie Ten Boom quote. Or how about a quote from - Mary Oliver "Why should I not sit every morning of my life, on the hillside looking into the shining world". Life get no better when you receive a letter from a loving mother in prison "which isnt my first, but sure will be my last" I said at the time. To hear her words of wisdom through the letter brought tears to my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I know Im a great person but just meet the wrong people, sometimes I have to stay away, friends are trouble and was always told so by my mom. People dont care anymore she would say and I have a family and they need me but anyway god got me he dont give me to much than I can handle. So staying strong is key and everything will be alright. My mom continue to write but at first I didnt want to respond because I felt ashamed or could it be from past family crisis. Me and my mom Patricia is 27 years and three days apart in birth, both in the month of September an that make us similar to one another and of course we bumped heads here and there, but she was only being a mother to her cub. Everyday is a new day, nowhere near the similarities of an average american, but of a full time Inmante for the next 12 years. Two years in with 12 years to go dont seem as bad now that I found peace in reforming my mental state. only thing that grind my gears are mental health who visits my cell door in concerns of my mental state. The questions they ask me are serious but funny at the same time, "Are you ok? do you think about hurting yourself because its alot of time? Do you need suicide watch? Man the questions to make me upset more than doing my years remaining. I understand it there job to help but how can you help when this is not a helping atmosphere. Its depressing, uncomfortable, filthy, dungeon like and most of all the water sucks. Lets see if the shoe was on the other foot and they had to hang they clothes out to dry with staples while searching the walls for holes to hang them. Take for thought your kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom all in one confined space and the max size is of your home bathroom with barely enough space to stretch. I rather do my years in the desert fighting with Isis in the military any giving day. I cant be upset because I put me here not no one else, which I try to explain to some cell mates I get from time to time. They seem to hate the way of the correctional officers for doing the job, I mean I would hate to babysit me to, and when I could be home with family instead of grown men. (I continue to miss my family). Donell Lewis Macdougall CI Suffield CT 06080
