I’ve been thinking about what I should write

Chapman, Donald Rorie

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Transcript

April, 10th, 2018 I've been thinking about what I should write about in this new report? My first writings was a personal testimony about losing my wife last summer, and dealing with the affects of that mental strain in a place where nobody cares.. It's still a topic I speak about to many prisoner's because when you feel passionate about something you want to let people know that inner core. It's like the rules of life are so different now.. Feels like the value of life, and what it means to be of value has all but faded into the black. And what I mean by that is a lot of guys I live with come from a new society where murdering over the smallest thing is normal. Where selling dope to women for sex is gratifying, and the power of playin with life and death means nothing. I'm not by any stretch a law abiding square... However I very much understand that my criminal ways are long behind me.. So when I talk of my loss, and the passion I feel to represent my wife even after death comes with mixed reactions.. So what I want to write about this time is about what we must do in order to change the course that we find ourselves traveling. We, as in us in here... Selling dope, especially heroin, has become like a trend of fashion... It's a life-style that's making its mark on young men all across America. Turning once promising kids into murderers of the cruelest type... Cause honestly without all the political correctness bullshit, we sugar coat everything & my words hold true even if it sounds harsh. Murdering at a rate that's extremely scary isn't a opinion of mine. It's a fact. Young men came here with the war stories of how they was selling drugs, and buying cars, killing people, and literally manipulating female addicts for sex, and it's the most normal thing to them... For me... It's horrifying... I've grasped the role of being a hustler, and I've done my share of ruining lives. As I said I get it that I too have played my personal role in the down grade of the way things are now. I just didn't know that it would become that plain to me just how much I was wrong about what life truly stands for. April 26th 2017 I watched a female office at my prison get beat to death with a fire extinguisher. Her fellow officers ran and left her to die... I watched about 200 prisoners jump up and down, hoot and hollar, and act like the Carolina Panthers had finally notched their first Super Bowl victory. It's insane to think that everybody was so eager to show excitement at a woman being killed was like a Super Bowl party. Yet it's true. This event I speak of took place in another housing block outside of mine... So for those asking themselves, "Well why didn't you stop it"? I wasn't about to, and sadly I don't know if me actually tryin would have been the best move? Because after the first hit, what if I would have intervened, and that lady only saw me and this guy and said she saw me hit her? Or when help finally came there's a good chance I would have been beat up in the excitement of it all and hurt by the guards themselves... Thinking I'm the dude... Mistakes get made... yet deep down I don't think I could stand by knowing a 20 some year old girl was fixing to really get killed and not stand up... This world sees what's going on, and I live with the guys that create this culture of just not giving a fuck about love, family, or loyalty. I meet good dudes... I'm sure I'd be criticized for my words if my peers was reading this... But I sit here and know that I have a responsibility to #1 say something about what's really going on, and #2 I have a responsibility to try to fix what's going on by using my growth, experience, passion, and wisdom to help break down this messed up foundation and build something constructive.. I do so by finding guys and starting conversations about society, what's going on, and finding their views out by asking questions. Then I talk about my story, my wife, and how things are in reality. Meaning my 25 year sentence, losses, and living amongst a system that's long forgotten me. I try to reach individuals as individuals.. I've never spoke in groups. Yet I want to.. because it's something I believe could help. When I hear the way women get talked about, and how sex is just basically what it's all about, and the degrading of females in general I think back to our President. Remember locker room talk? Billy Bush... Donald Trump... Hidden camera capturing our leader say he could grab women by the pussy? He was right. It's so common to talk like that. And it's very much a thing that happens.. That's all you hear in here... Locker room talk... Prison does not rehabilitate with classes that teach skills that are no longer used in a every day rapidly changing world. Prison doesn't fix the sickness, and bad habits... Prison doesn't take a man and groom him to get back out and do what's expected... No... Prison is a meeting ground. A place where we learn to become even more angry, and un-trusting. More criminal minded and locked in a on a thought process that's basically based on kill, take, destroy, and remain careless... Human nature has changed so crazily that the real truth is only we can change each other. Us!!! Only we can take the time to give back to the shit we ourselves played a role in screwing up. I didn't change because of prison. I've changed because of life's experiences.. Because I wanted better for me.. And in wanting better for me I see that it's not just about me now. What's walking thru these prison gates now are men with very little value to society because most/not all, only want to feed poison to your kids, your wife, your son, and all for cars, clothes, and shit they can only talk about because they lost it all when they came here.. The value of getting out and sacrificing, working, and living within your means sounds stupid to people in here. "Within my means"? You mean no $200.00 shoes? No $700.00 outfits?? No $75,000 car?? You mean work and do it right? yeah fuck that!!!! That's the reaction I get. Then I get the guys who swear they are gonna get out and do right, work, and take care of their family, yet they spend their time getting high & spending outrages money on small amounts of drugs in here... Watching T.V, and getting caught up in the politics of prison b/s. It's something that I personally have done. Spoke on what I'm gonna do. But still haven't started by implying my strategy to my everyday life... it starts in here. Changing comes from within.. It's something that doesn't just happen with 1 event taking place. I can't change a person with 1 talk. But what I can do is lead by example, and be a leader by showing the guys around me that you can do more than be a loser. That selling drugs and ruining lives isn't worth it. Oh and I hear... "I'm not ruining their lives..." "They put the drugs into their arms." Not me!! As I said some people won't change.. Not until tragic events take place that will alter their path or end their lives. In here we all get caught in the net of "F" the police, and blaming others for why we are here... But I guess it take alot to realize that we all put ourselves in the position to be here for the most part. Shit isn't always our fault. That's needless to say, in the end that is exactly what it is... "A net"... we get caught. We squirm.. We get trapped.. And we give up until we die. I can't!! I won't!!! Funding for speakers to come talk to us with real success stories is non existent... Funding for classes that actually are relevant to society are non existent... Everything that comes with change comes from within... For me.. I really think we should create a program that's kinda like a testimonial program. Say like I get out. Do right. Build a business and become successful... Well we should have a group of people around the U.S.A. that came together a few times a year and do a tour to prisons with their stories.. Not the religious I found God stories.. But the stories that gangsters, gangs, and regular hardcore audiences can take in and imagine themselves losing... And telling... Cause you see. We all got war stories of our okay days. But that story of freedom.. That story of being someone we never dreamed of being. The stories of us making a life that doesn't involve cops, drugs, and violence... Well... It's something that could eventually take root if we believe.. I hear the team... That's all I knew. The streets... The dope game... That's all I know... We need more help from you all here... Ones who got out and made it. You all that got out and left this all behind... Pay it forward by taking the time to read this... People who know of ex-con's who've made it... Put forth a effort to encourage them to go back into these prisons and tell their stories... Cause I tell mine... I have to believe that I can inspire 1 at a time to put down the dope sack, and pick up a book that teaches you to put together a small business. Or a book that shows you how to be a leader... And not another follower of today's trend that will keep us in that "net". Till next time... Keep safe... Donald R Chapman

Author: Chapman, Donald Rorie

Author Location: North Carolina

Date: April 17, 2018

Genre: Essay

Extent: 4 pages

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