Life without parole

Ernst, Shawn William

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Life Without Parole 1-6-17 I ask myself daily how I messed up my life so badly in 2000 that I now serve Life without parole? How does a 28 year old American who happens to be white and grew up in the suburbs of Cincinnati, OHIO end up in prison for the first time with no outdate or parole date? To begin my tale I will state that I was molested as a child by not 1 person but by 2. In the Second grade at a Catholic School, a Priest named Putnick messed up my whole peaceful world and violated my Trust in the system and broke my faith in God for many years. The second person to violate my body and confuse my mind was a blood relative. Mary was my Aunt and even though she had a mental illness that did not give her a right to shatter my hopes and dreams either. That Abuse ended at age 14 when she finally convinced me that it was "normal" for us to have sex and after I lost my actual virginity I had problems forming healthy relationships with women and didn't trust a soul. In my 20's I met several really fine women who could have turned out to be Mrs Right but I avoided them like the plague. I remember Teresa. We met in a Bar and stayed in touch for years until she joined the NAVY we did not kiss once but she had black hair, brown eyes and the warmest smile on Earth. She was probably the "ONE" for me. But I stayed away and allowed her to get away, my loss was great. However, I did become involved with "flawed" girls who had also been abused and had trust issues. One such girl lied so much we had 3 children before I finally lost interests and bolted. Now those adult children don't contact me and I regret those choices too. After my mother died in 1977 at age 5 I was raised by her parents John and Bettie. My Grandfather John wanted to be my Father but my true Father Larry was always around. My Dad Larry did try his best but losing my Mom crushed his spirit totally. And my Grandfather John was an alcoholic and his abuse to us was physical, verbal but not sexual. The physical abuse ended around age 10 since we could outwit, outrun and out hide it. But the verbal abuse was far worse. It crushed my spirit and broke down my self-esteem until it was dead. Even today (1-6-17) my self-esteem doesn't exist even though John died on 12-10-04. Words not only hurt, they kill. It would be impossible for me to tell you how many times I wanted to die. A man can't live without hope and dreams or the belief that he's capable of something great. I have had big dreams before but never believed myself capable of making them into reality. Success is just so far out of my reach. Even small goals like' keeping a prison [insertion ?], keeping clear conduct and living in the Honor Dorm are farther away than Mars to me. Now I did finally regain my Faith in God and was even Baptised in 2008 and do speak to Him daily but I feel like a sheep that can't be guided be a staff or a Rod. I listen to good advice and pull so far away from Him and His advice that my choices seem to even make me shake my head in confusion. For the past 6 years I have been a KSP in Eddyville and trying to transfer has been so out of reach due to my poor decisions. I self-sabotage over and over again. I am my own worst enemy. Just recently I was told I would have left on Dec 29th 2016, if I had not been in Seg but on Dec 10th I choose to enter Seg and got 7 write-ups in 3 weeks. 7 is a new record for me. Normally, I might get 1-3 in 6 months. To say the least I felt crushed when the Deputy Warden said I was that close to leaving KSP. I actually tried to hang myself on New Year's Eve but decided to wait for my Birthday so I could see, if my 45th Birthday felt like a good day or an awful one. Maybe God will shine some light on me that day??? I often wonder if God expects me to just sit around and grow old locked up. A lot of men do but most spent many times getting out of prison and returning. Unlike myself who made his very first trip to prison, his only trip. Could the Justice System be Just, if it doesn't give me a Second Chance? Fairness or Fair Play is suppose to be built into our Constitution and we all should be able to enjoy a life of learning through our mistakes, right? After 16 years and 9 months I believe I could live a better life out in Society. I believe my work could be helping others resolve conflicts so they don't suffer loss, prison and even death. I would call myself a Conflict Resolution Expert! I have seen so many Conflicts develope and lead to problems because no one was there to step in and counsel the warring parties. Like a Ref in a Game. I would be "The Ref" for real world issues that may lead to; murder, punches or Divorce. Love seems to be the #1 solution to all of Life's woes, doesn't it? If we stopped hating each other and started saying, I Love You more. There's a song that says if you can't be with the 1 you Love, Love the 1 you're with. So in recent years I have falling in Love with a lady who was working here but she quit in February 2016. Her name is Christina and if I transfer I plea to write her and tell her how I feel. But just in case she ignores me I might write others and allow my Love to Flow + Grow somehow. I actually could see myself getting out and being with a formal prison Guard and Christina could be my wife but I wouldn't want to stay in Kentucky. I'll at least cross the state line into the Land of "No prison memories!" So our Justice system should look at current views and feelings before it decides we should NEVER see freedom again. If I had just 90 days of Freedom to prove I deserved more, I believe I would show everyone how much I've shed my old skin, like a snake and now like a calf. Tame- is my middle name. Violence has no place in my heart. I seek Love and happiness and growth in a Community such as the one I was raised in. Minus the low self-esteem and self-sabotage. And hopefully with a loving wife. The start of this Saga started with the death of a woman who was my Landlord for just 16 days. I turned my life to dirt and hers into a grave because of my opinion of myself and my false belief that I wasn't good enough on so many levels. Now 16 yrs later I realize those 16 days in March + April 2000 could have been totally different and if I had acted more "Normal" she would still be alive and I would still be Free. Now maybe I would have died in a car crash or some such accident but being in prison is worse than death in my honest opinion. In my personnal view I believe I did die in many ways at the moment I killed that woman. So for 16 yrs and 9 months I've been like a Zombie or Ghost of my old self. Only becoming a Free man again will pull all of my parts back together. I consider suicide daily and don't make it through a day without thinking death is better. Having Life without parole is death so I warn you all to avoid making mistake like I made and keep yourselves Free in the world with Love and peace all around you. In prison there's only Hate and Noise.

Author: Ernst, Shawn William

Author Location: Kentucky

Date: January 6, 2017

Genre: Essay

Extent: 13 pages

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