Transcript
Loner From December 19, 2019 to December 25, 2019, I discovered that I did not choose to be a loner. I became aware of this situation by reading “I Can’t Get Over It -- A Handbook for Trauma Survivors” second Edition by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D. In addition, in “Being Intimate - A Guide to Successful Relationships,” I became aware of two fears which I was unaware of that may explain while I had the tendency to being a loner. The following quote in “I Can’t Get Over It,” illustrates and gives me comfort in knowing, becoming aware that I need not judge myself or be critical of myself because I am simply a survivor of trauma which proved influential in my disconnection with others: “Dissociation is not an act of volition; people do not decide or plan to dissociate. Dissociation happens involuntarily. In many traumatic situations, 'turning out' or "spacing out,' which are colloquial names for dissociation, may be the only means of escape or psychic survival.” Before reading the above quote, I used to believe that I was the one deciding to avoid others. However, I now 2 recognize that prior to me considering that I was choosing to avoid others, I did not have such conscious idea because I was in automatic mode... I was simply living from situation to situation without thinking about need for social connection. An example of this is my preference I developed for bicycling. Another example is my behavior to go to clubs in search of a romantic encounter. Little did I know that I was using alcohol to inhibit my shyness to approach the women to request a dance. A more recent and powerful example is my avoidance (dissociation) from prisoners. I have found myself isolating by pursuing reading, journaling, introspection, and a quest to understand why I do the things I do. I now suspect that I avoid others because they remind me of my past, to include my past criminal acts. It is simply painful to ever contemplate how others will view me and judge my past. So, I find myself to be a longer by an inner survival force. In “Being Intimate” by John and Kris Amodeo are two suggested fears which shed light on why I may be dissociated: “...such suspicion may be based on the dual fear that if we truly respect people’s choices, they may pursue a path that leads them away from us, 3 and that if we trust ourselves, we might discover a new direction that separate us from others.” The first fear occurs because I was struggling with allowing others to be themselves. This struggle resulted from a desire to be accepted despite of my past. When I sensed that I would not be accepted, I developed the year of retaliation due to prison politics. Hence, I tend to become resentful at the way others choose to be. The second year is where I now find myself. I trust myself, but my desire to express myself puts me in a path of conflict with the politics of prison and the choices of others. Hence, I find myself trapped, and therefore I end up being a loner. My outlet is belief and faith in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. Douglas L. Griffith, Jr. Mule Creek State Prison D18 B103 1L P.O. Box 409089 Ione, CA 95640 December 25, 2019; Wednesday Distorted thinking Calming (Breathing) Meditation (Prayer) Thinking About Consequences Anything good come out What’s the right thing to do strength to tolerate feelings? Anger as a tool Feel I need to win Negativity Misery loves company Understanding where person is coming from Play victim role Accept self as am? Action sends ripple How is thinking World fair? (How to deal with it) Labelling Short term thinking
