Loner?

See "The Origin of Sesdar" journal 02/2019 Loner? Yes, I tend to avoid others, but why? I believe this resulted from lack of nurture, lack of healthy environments, and insecurity due to fear. How can I be held responsible for my actions when my development, nurture, was flawed due to indoctrination in images, ideas, beliefs which proved impossible to change until years later. In fact, up until my imprisonment, I believed I knew many things, but this began to change when I became aware that I was a lost (1995/96) soul, that I had been living an existence without understanding or insight into such deep questions as to what was the purpose of my life, or what was the meaning of my life. My lack of nurture in the responsibilities I will need to exercise as a man placed me on a path of incomplete, flawed self-discovery and lack of awareness as to who I really was. I grew up with a persona which I did not recognize until 2012 when I questioned all that I had learned. This became an emotionally turbulent time because I lashed out at my dad, my native Panama’s communist teachings, my sister, the system, the USAF, even myself for my failures. Again, how can I be blamed when I learned to be a loner due to my experiences. It's only since 2018, through “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer, that I recognized the need to change my thinking. Her powerful 2 words awakened me, changed my attitude when I understood. “It is life-changing when we discover that wrong thoughts are at the root of our problems and that we can change our lives by changing our thinking.” Once I realized this truth, it reignited a fire in me to pursue my faith in Jesus with renewed strength because my faith had been under various trials. By receiving inspiration which brought spiritual nurture, I was able to recognize that my moral foundation that was had been faulty and that that was why, years later, along with other factors like medicinal drugs, psychiatric condition, stress, and physical illness; I found myself in prison. You may say or protest that I was an adult and that I was responsible for my actions. I respond by asserting that wrong habit are difficult to change, especially wrong mental habits which became beliefs. Lack of nurture had profound consequences in beliefs which oppose acceptable social norms and when I did not receive these norms, the seed was sown for me to develop into a loner. And being a loner caused me to avoid the help I had been offended prior to my crimes. As if lack of nurture was not destructive 3 enough, another factor... lack of a healthy environment likewise contributed to me becoming a loner. Though I had people around me and played baseball, basketball, soccer; I prefered bicycling. Little did I know that I was learning to be a loner through this preference and the poor quality of my environment. My surroundings did not afford me the opportunity to learn how I fitted in with it; thus, I wandered through life until my 2018 awakening. Though I functioned in the USAF from 1983 to 1992, my life quickly fell apart -- two years later -- when I separated from military life to civil life. By December 1994 I found myself in legal trouble. And also I was placed in the psychiatric ward of the Sacramento County Jail. My environments... from family to military to civil to prison were all controlling. I really never developed the self control, self mastery as can be observed by my many psychiatric interventions since 1994. Finally, insecurity due to fear has had a negative impact in my life; thus, contributing to me avoiding others. But how? Well, I now have the insight which helped me realize that I did not really set out to be a loner -- It was really a coping mechanism I developed as a result of trauma. And now, in prison, I am surrounded by strangers who are not aware of their feelings and thoughts, and this is dangerous for me, as I tend to avoid others due to the insecure feeling I have that harm could come 4 my way. Since recognizing that I am fearful due to being insecure, I have also recognized that I must take steps to embrace my feelings and take opportunities with those who have likewise become aware of need to take a vulnerable, systematic approach to honor and properly express feelings as a man. My fear due to insecurity induced a loner’s approach because by being alone, I would not need to deal with others who are demanding or manipulative. Avoiding others became an unconscious way of dealing with my lack of social skills which I failed to acquire in my development. Now I must courageously attempt to grow without judging my feelings. Three factors : Lack of nurture, lack of healthy environments, and insecurity due to fear contributed to cause me to become a loner. I am now aware of working toward changing this aspect of myself... Little by little. Douglas L Griffith, Jr. Mule Creek State Prison P.O. Box 409089 Ione, CA 95640