Meagans story of living as a M to F transsexual in society and in a California max security mens prison & conditions within

Calvillo, Meagan Breanne Lupe Mendoza, III

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Pg 1 "Meagans Story of Living As A M to F Transsexual In society And In A California Max Security Mens Prison & Conditions Within." My name is Meagan Breanne Lupe Mendoza Calvillo III. I currently live in San Diego, California in a Max Security Level 4 R. J Donovan Calif. Dept. of Corrections & Rehabilitation CDCR Prison for Men. I stay with a very productive positive happy attitude. I view things logically, clear, simple, and rational. I rarely get frustrated and thats due to I surround myself with my in prison sole partner / best friend / love and my outside society pen friends who've been my loyal longtime consistent emotional support best friends, law abiding proffesionals. I've endured a very vicious, violent, hard life yet a very fun, exciting, adventurous, lavish life living homeless on the streets constantly on the move on Greyhound busses across country never staying in one city longer than a few months prefering Gulf State beaches from California, Vegas, Texas, New Orleans, Florida, back n forth consistently. Some in society would merely define me as a crack cocaine "crackhead" addict, a deviant sexual pervert into biological females defecating & urinating on me for pleasure, a beer drinking alcoholic, weed smoking "bud head", a drug selling, very highly armed & dangerous gun selling robbery / burglary suspect, however without know the context of above one would not trully understand and sympathize in the nature of how my internal integrity/psychee operates. I consider myself a very intelligent person and in comparison to others I do not brag of being incarcerated. I do not see being incarcerated as a badge of honor so to speak. I actually pride myself as having had a criminal involvement since my early teenage years & I've never been convicted or sent to do juvenile detention time infact I was over the age of 21 when I was first convicted / sent to prison, unfortunatly. To understand the totallity of difficulties Pg 2 of transgenders lifestyles and road thru society and inadvertent incarceration, I will first take you back to give you insight of my beggining childhood thru todays current present livelyhood. As a proud M to F transsexual who identifies as a lesbian/pansexual orientated woman primarily attracted sexually to biological females and M to F transgenders/transsexuals I hope to bring knowledge, understanding & compassion towards transgenders and the struggles endured in prisons by transgenders, to all people in the world. My conviction now at current is a sentence of 20 years (twenty) for DUI, vehicle theft & GBI great bodily injury (vehicle I crashed hit another vehicle and that person later in day discovered he had fractured pinkie finger because he jerked steering wheel to avoid me) it was my third strike due to Calif. three strikes law, this was if I took to trial would result in 75 years to life convictions so I was offered plea deal of twenty years which I felt reasonable in comparison. My release date is 2028. My arrest record reflects thru out my life, possession of drugs, possession of firearms, use of firearms, tamper with firearm I.D. (scratch off serial # from sawed off shotguns), burglaries 1st degree & 2nd degree (residential & commercial, absconding-fugitive on run, selling drugs, DUI, vehicle theft, GBI. My life originated in Orange County City of Santa Ana, California. My father was a career criminal and user of the drug heroin. He also was in and out of correctional prisons in Calif. My mother a mirror image of my fathers drug use, criminal activity and many incarcerations. They both were in Southern California Southern United Raza Sur criminal gang/mafia. When I was little more than a toddler I stayed/lived with my grandparents at thier home, they were my fathers parents. I remember our back garage turned into living quarters where my dad would stay when he was not out on the streets doing what he did criminally. Pg 3 I have fond memories of him when I'd be in his living quarters dancing on his feet as he sang & danced me around. I have memories of visiting him in CDCR prisons and a guard picking me up without permission and me crying hysterically. And him taking me into his arms soothing me at same time furious at the gaurd. My last memories are of finding him dead, me and my grandma found him overdosed on heroin in the back of his living quarters. Remembering my grandma try unsuccesesfully to revive him by pouring rubbing alcohol over his face & head. But he was cold, gone. Then memories at cemetary where he was buried with his brothers. After this I remember many visits with attorneys in order to give custody of me to my grandparents because my mother was deemed unfit to care for me. My mother had 2 other daughters from different fathers and they too were dispursed to different adoptive families. Living life with my grandparents was great. I was shown lots of love, I was well fed, given nice clothes and pretty much spoiled and given no restrictions or curfews which may have not been good for me in long run. At very young age little girls my age would come over alot. At this age I so admired these little girls. I longed to smell like them really pretty, I longed to dress pretty as they did, I longed to be just like them and have smooth Pg 4 slit between legs as they they did. I believe my fetish later in age developed due to my memories of holding my hand under their parts as they urinated or defecated on my hands. So later in age I became infactuated with girls. I worshipped everything about girls. I felt not only did I long to be a girl but I felt girls to be superior to boys. I did not know definitions of sexuality back then but now I see myself as a lesbian primarilly, and as for penisses, Im attracted to MTF transgender/sexuals penisses. So I assume this also clasifies me as pansexual. By 15 years of age I was a seasoned alcoholic, drug user and criminal and as far as my gender as feeling transgender I kept that part of me very secret from my grandparents. It would be mean, unkind to show them that side of me. They were of old fashioned thinking and it would be very disrespectfull to let them know I wanted to be, act, dress as a girl. I had no interest in men so my attraction to females appeared to them, all was great. At 15 yrs old, I would branch out to far away nieghboring cities or counties of where I resided which gave me freedom to live comfortable on the streets among biological female children prostitutes, biological adult female prostitutes as well as M to F trans prostitutes. And Pg 5 I thrived on the streets. The prostitutes had embraced me, taught me survival tacticts, taught me how to recognize evil intent by those out to hurt or kill people like me. They taught me to get myself out of life threatining situations. They taught me to follow people, see who they associated with, see thier vulnerable spots in case any ill intent was directed to me later. They also provided me will illegal hormones, estrogen to help better feminize me. They groomed me to be a expert prostitute, drug dealer on the street. I matured quickly with lots of self survival tactics, they taught me to help my own mind—prostitutes street people but at same time they never discouraged me on my addictions, I still enjoyed being armed with revolvers and sawed off shotguns & 38 Deringers in my small duffel bag or large purse or strapped under my miniskirts, I still enjoyed vast amounts of smoking crack cocaine, my sexual fetishes were provided in abundance I enjoyed using my penis to have intercourse with females as well as transgenders. I loved oral copulation, sodomy, I enjoyed masturbating as I viewed anal rims open up, the beatiful defecation & urination in my mouth by biological females. I thrived in my sexual fetishes & drug use. To this day I still miss Pg 6 the taste/feeling of crack cocaine. I miss the taste of vagina, the smell of vagina, the aromatic fragrance of unwashed female ass, anal hole, the scent of fresh female urine, the taste of female piss as they squat over me. I also miss teaching other prostitutes to self survive as how I was taught to survive & prosper on the streets. So thruout the years I would continue to be away from my grandparents home at intervals of couple days away from home to 3 or 4 or 5 days away and from 15 yrs old to forward I would sneek off not only to old nieghboring cities n counties but on Greyhound busses to nieghboring states I felt I was in my element on streets, I'm a people person, I love to interact and communicate with people of all backgrounds and then sadly my grandmother died of stroke and I had to help my grandfather cope so I begun legit jobs at factories, construction, etc. I worked from a temporary job service and I would stop at a liquor store to buy my beer before going to my job site in Temecula Calif. Adjacent to this liquor store was a prostitute crack house den where I'd also buy some crack before going to work. There I met a Black prostitute/madam/crack addict. I'd stop and we'd talk, smoke, drink before I went off to work. Pg 7 Before I get too ahead of myself, at age 23 I went to prison for very first time in a CDCR Calif prison convicted of 2nd degree commercial burglary which I got a sentence of 3 years with 1/2 time which equaled out to 16 months on a active general population yard G.P. and me being a Mexican and from Southern California and since technically I was not from a actual active Sur Southern United Raza Mexican Mafia gang but my mother who married the shot caller of the Orange County Santa Ana California Mexican Mafia I was her son and was expected to run with, fight for, stab at, for the Sur Active Gang However us that are not actually from a gang must identify as South Siders, which we are to Sur Prison Gang like the National Guard is to military. I had to hide my transgender status it was not protocol for a Mexican nor white transgender to be allowed to function on a active G.P. yard. We'd be beaten or stabed off yard if found out. This was in 1995/96. So after getting out I continued to stay with my grandfathers home and also continue to do as I did sneeking away periodic intervals of time to nieghboring cities, counties or on Greyhound buslines to other states. So in 1999 I was sent back to prison this time convicted of 1st degree burglary/use of a fire arm and given a 7 (seven) year sentence. The Black woman I was seeing at crack house before work, she & I spoke of marriage. Pg 8 My mom was out of my life pretty much all my life and she contacted me in prison to show her anger and to forbid me to marry interracially. A transgender son connected to a mom in Mexican mafia is bad enough but to also marry a Black woman is a serious violation no no. That and the fact she refused to mend relationship with me & my two sisters whom they reconnected to my mom after they were over 18 yrs of age. This hurt me very much because I wanted to be accepted by my sisters and develope a family bond relationship. She told me my sisters abhored anyone who identified anything but straight. And they abhored anyone incarcerated or deemed a criminal. This broke my heart. She told me she and my sisters would never ever mention my existence to thier family. So my life in prison on a active G.P. gang member yard I found is eating away my internal integrity. I hated living a lie, hiding who I was. So within the seven year sentence I heard of a new CDCR type, classification designation called SNY Sensitive Needs Yard where high risk inmates such as gang drop outs, arsonist, child molesters, rapists, ex police officers and homosexuals and transgenders Pg 9 who'd usually be targeted for violence on a active G.P. yard. So all I had to do is tell a correctional officer that I was a transgender and for my safety I need help. They placed me in solitary confinement administrative segregation "Hole", small confines within the prison itself. The next process was to speak to a mental health psychologist to be interviewed which basically you convey your trans and had been trans on streets and the psychologist then refers me to a medical doctor to officially designate me as transgender based on mental health referal request to designate me as such, then I was refered by medical doctor to Telemedicine via video conference to a endocrinologist hormone specialist to evaluate me and order Premarin estrogen female hormone and spironolactone meds. The estrogen to soften body and develope breasts. And spironolactone to stop male pattern balding and decrease facial body and facial hair as well as decrease sex drive by lowering testosterone level. Which I have high sex drive and avoided taking spironolactone meds. Pg. 10 I prefered by testosterone levels high, I enjoyed aspects of my penis and I enjoy ejaculating and being aroused with erections. I'm a very highly sexual being. So at this time abuse by inmates and staff were rampant. Transgenders back then were not totally exempt from violence on SNY yards. We had no access to female clothing or make up. We used pencil lead crushed powder for eyeliner, Kool Aid drink mix for blush, lipstick and it was against rules & regulations of CDCR to even wear make-up. There was rampant homophobic/transphobic attitude toward us. We'd be set up for attack, robbed, raped, beaten, by staff or inmates alike. Verbal slurs were constant by staff & inmates. I've been attached, etc. Endured lots of violence against me. And many trans in prison have endured same. So I did my time and Im back on the streets. During my time I had married the Black woman. I defied my mom's directive to not marry interracialy. Really pissed my mom off tho. So my mom let me know of one of my sisters whereabouts due to she worked at a grocery store Pg 11 as a clerk checker and I happen to be living in that area as transient homeless designated by my parole agent. I was out in a high crime/high prostitution area and I knew area very well. I was a seasoned prostitute and I frequented the grocery store alot and I knew alot of the checkers because they would sell me my beer & rolling papers and condoms. I'd allways be in my high heels, push up bra, c-string and 4 inch long micro mini skirt, halter top very slutty in appearance and of course my purse usually with a 38 revolver, 38 caliber derringer, stun gun & handcuffs (not for sexual purposes I assure you) Living on streets I live a very rough life I've encountered many violent vicious "Johns", male customers pick me up as I stand on street curbs with my thumb out, pretending to need a ride but it's code for I'm available at a price. I've had off duty cops have sex with me, guys pick me up with doors that dont open from passenger side. I've been driven to San Bernardino County Calif deserts had guns pulled on me, I've been shot at, actually in city of Perris California a serial killer whom I did not know was a serial killer allthough I suspected hed killed before by statements he made to me. He picked me up had sex with me and for 1/2 hour gave me Pg 12 a mind awakening speech about it was my lucky day, he would let me breath another day he proceeded to say he liked me and to take his words to heart. He said if it was right to eliminate someone to make damn sure I can over power immediately and kill it or make sure it's compleatly immobile and do what I do but never let it live. I was scared and he let me out that van eventually. Some months later I recognized that same van and picture of his face who spoke to me that one day and it turns out he was responsible for riding around Perris Calefornia as well as all of Riverside County killing the local prostitutes, strangling and dumping in orange orchards. I sometimes ponder on why I was chosen to live & get educated by a killer but in my life I've encountered many of killers and I try to make light of it by telling myself he'd have probablly thought it to be embarassing to have a transgender as a victim being found or connected to his consistent female killing, who knows. But back to my sister. I went into store found her. Explained I was her brother. She became upset said some words—unkind, but her coworkers apoligized for her outburst. I walked out broken hearted. Familly should not be ashamed of another familly member who's transgender or looks different. Pg 13 So in my travels abroad I've lived a very different homeless lifestyle opposed to basket pushing standard homeless which society refers to as "bums", I live on nice beaches of Miami, Orlando, Ft Lauderdale, Pensacola Florida, Galveston Texas, I go into super huge hotels where maids leave doors ajar after being cleaned, I stay there a day or two. It's so big/huge establishment no one checks. I am a high class homeless. I stay at house parties, raves, I totally love Hallover Beach, a nude beach off Collins Ave in Miami. Im so relaxed at nude beaches. I love casinoes in Vegas. Allthough most of time I'm a fugitive on the run. I've been caught in Florida, flown back by CDCR agent to Chino CDCR Prison to do small length of time for absconding, parole violations. It's not even worth the time & money to fly me back to California because as soon as I had been released from prison Im supposed to report next day to parole office and what I really do is immiediatly get a bus to Vegas and thus begins my cross country travels again selling/using drugs, selling guns and all the time since I was 15 yrs old and on the streets Iv'e met these children prostitutes, teenage prostitutes, adult female & trans prostitutes and in my expierence it would hurt me to see them exploited, raped, robbed, sold, given fake dope, beaten, killed. Taken advantage of but me being Pg 14 on the street just like them, I'm a surviving criminal drug addict just like them. It's not street etiquete for me to tell a fellow street person to not sell themselves, it's not for me to tell them not to do drugs or prevent them from what they are inclined to do. But I can gain thier confidence. Especially the pregnant girls on the streets. I've been in the crack dens where Iv'e been invited and Iv'e seen girls give birth and place baby newborn in plastic bags. Killed. I could not intervien. The people there are armed and there is no place to act moral and intervien because that would mean certain death of me instantly. Im in thier domain. Im not a cop. But I learned from a prostitute in San Bernardino a prostitute taught me to deliver a pregnant young street girls baby. So in my lifetime I'd gain confidence of young street children, pregnant young prostitutes. I am no angel I was out there doing same things they were doing but I took them under my wing I taught them survival tacticts like the prostitutes taught me when I was young. I would acompany them when they sold themselves. I'd go along to hotel, motel, back of cars, back of alley and I was armed and would only intervien if the customer would refuse to pay them I'd make sure no one sold them fake dope I'd help deliver babys otherwise would be left for dead. pg 15 I'd stay with these girls a few days after I leave babys I deliver near entrance of hospitals I would then push on and hope I left her with some knowledge to help her survive and know how to reconize evil intent on the streets. And so I'd be on bus lines to another state city never staying in a place too long. Like I said if you try to tell a street person not to do something it's only logical they will get away from you because thats exactly what I'd do. So I'm currently back in custody doing two decades for DUI/vehicle theft/GBI. A plea deal which in a way I am gratefull because this path led me to the most sweetest, kindest, beautifull soul, my best friend, my love, my partner [redacted], she is M to F transgender whos endured so much more heinous viscious abuse than I in these 35 years she's been in CDCR prison since 1985 for a 2nd degree murder resulting in a 15 to life sentence however back then they had no sensitive needs security yards and her being targeted by homo/trans phobic assaults her time snowballed more & more. Weve been together for 8 years and 3 different prisons and at last prison we were actually cellmates for a year. She was transfered to another prison and a cellmate absued her so she is pg 16 now designated single cell status so we can no longer bc cellmates yet I am trying to find a way possibly challenge Calif CDCR policy so it's legal to marry another inmate, as of now CDCR policy to deny same sex inmate to same sex inmate marriage is based on outdated memo generated in 2013 and not officially illegal in the current "Holy Grail" that CDCR prison abide by which is Title 15 Rules & Regulations booklet and the D.O.M Departmental Operating Manual. So the policy to deny is very conflicting which I hope to challenge as I do have an appeal to address this conflicting issue. As for this particular yard/prison at RJ Donovan Donovan in San Diego. This yard is a incredible positive example on how all prisons worldwide should and could be like. This is a highly respectfull yard towards transgenders. Because of California Bill 310 enacted into law CDCR reconizes civil rights of transgenders. All staff here are transgender respectfull & friendly. We can now purchase passes real make up cosmetics, real female clothing, we are issued special transgender card I.D's to instruct staff to refer us to miss, her, she. This is a awesome yard and things are so much better now. California CDCR treats trans very well. Im impressed. Pg 17 As for sex change surgeries, yes Calif. CDCR does permit with stringet mental health & medical evaluation. I could get the surgery if I request it and so can [redacted] however we do not have any interest in such surgery. I am fond of my male anatomy parts. I enjoy masturbation, intercourse both giving/recieving, I enjoy orally recieving/giving and I spend all my time in here enjoying smoking weed, drinking fermented homemade wine alcohol, once in a while meth I stay out of trouble. I dont sell my property niether does [redacted] my love. She actually does not even use drugs, she does not drink. We spend every waking day together walking, jogging around yard. I enjoy my vices and provide store canteen for us by making sewing plush pillows, homemade lighters, for inmates. I sew clothes or washI/Ms clothes for pay. We dont sell our bodies in here. We enjoy a good life in here. I love to resell/copy/resell pornographic XXX pages from magazines that are passed around in prison. I convert my broken hot pot into a cooking hot plate grill, I use this grill in my cell making fryed foods grilled cheese, tacos. I love to cook. And [redacted] & I have immaculate clean artsy colorfull painted & glossed cells. Pg 18 I put my name on pen pal websites such as Concordia University in Canada and Black n Pink. org. I have professional journalists who interview for media sites such as www.thereporters.org (search box "Meagans sotry" Archives April 2020) pictures of me are in this site. Im allways welcoming people to give me feedback and contact me directly. I'm in process now in contacting my sisters family so I can somehow develop a relationship familly bond I wont directly contact my sisters because I know they are not going to accept me but it gives me hope that I may one day be able to be accepted by my nieces & nephew and some unknown lost familly ties. I believe everyone deserves a chance. I merely seek peace, love and a chance to better the world and show that we are all living human beings. Respectfully, Your Meagan Calvillo RJ Donovan

Author: Calvillo, Meagan Breanne Lupe Mendoza, III

Author Location: California

Date: June 15, 2020

Genre: Essay

Extent: 18 pages

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