My name is Jammie Mclean [2]

Mclean, Jammie "New Hope"

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Jammie McLean California [No Title] Dear fire inside. 5 - 18 -15 My name is Jammie Mclean. I am writing hoping my thoughts help others just by my words. (I hope.) My name is Jammie some know me as Pookey. I been down for almost 19 years. I was 17 when I got this life put on me. I by passed C.Y.A. went right to prison. This is not the same story everyone tells trust me. No I am not like the rest. I have flaws not scard to say it. I did a lot to prove myself to others just to fit in (how dumb). I even picked up 8 more years for letting anger get the best of me like some of you. I am in SHU. Now waiting to get out in the past I done self-help groups. I was write up free. I got in groups to help other teens stay out of prison. I have a story just like other people do. But it was never the right time. I lost friends, family over the years just like you. Yes it hurts and still does. I held on to a lot of Hate, Hurt, Anger, and I went down-hill. [Bond?] just puts me to the side I see why now. Was blind at first to a lot. I am 34 years old now. At this age my mother was fighting cancer and I was 16. July 7th at 7:30 pm. She passed away in my arms, 1995. I was so young I was mad, pissed at everyone, at God, at my mother the most. She promised to always be by my side. I was young still had so much to know. My younger sisters looked at me for help. I was lost. I held them in my arms and said it will be ok. I will always be by your side. I rember those words. In 1996, I went to prison for life. I left my family behind. My younger sister grew up yes hurt, mad. I watched them grow up through letters, phone calls, photos. Just this year in 2015 I got some news that hit me so hard I felt life was knocked out of me. I went out to medical a few times, sat on the same beds as I remember my mother did. I am 36 years old. I am so young, full of Life. I was told I might have breast cancer in my left breast. I did a few more test. Test won't come back until 2- or 3-weeks later. To us that is forever. The first thing I did was cry to my roommate. I felt so lost. I was so scared. I was thinking this must be Karma for whatever I did in my past or for leaving my sisters. I cried for a few days. I talked to the people that come to my door. That helps for the moment. (They walk away). I am left in my ad-seg room by myself. All I can do is think and stress myself out. (Trust me I do.) I did something I have not done in a while. I prayed. Yes, I do pray but this time I prayed for insight and hope. The other day on T.V. was a story about a young woman fighting cancer I cried. A lot of what she talked about was me. I was like (wow). I got up and wrote my family and a few friends. I even wrote a list of people that did me wrong or I felt did wrong to. And I wrote what I felt and I let it go. And I flushed it. I prayed and I let go. Now at this time I don't know if I have cancer or not. I made up my mind and I won't change it. I am proud of who I am. And I let go of my hurt, pain, anger. Yes it took time. I let go and a lot of stress left. I also said I was proud of my mother no matter what. She did fight her fight never stopped. I will fight it and so will my family and my good friends. Cancer has no age, race, time line, or a reason. Also cancer is not the end but the start of a [Race?] that will never end. I am not sad, angry, mad, hurt, or scard. I am ready for whatever outcome hits me. Trust me I want my test to come back saying I am ok. I see a friend on my way to medical for my test and she told me I been through a lot and I have grown up a lot. And that I am not by myself. I have people who will support me and I played it off. I said yea if my Hair falls out that's ok it will grow back. We both just laughed. She knows who she is. I am writing this because us women we need to take care of ourselves. It don't matter what age you are. Please get your checkups. Check for all cancers in breast everything. (It has no age.) I see Life in a diffrent light. I am not scard. I will fight no matter what. I will not Give up. I will be strong no matter what comes my way. Also I will always remember the walk others did before me and I will hold on to these Names and let no one forget them. If I am ok I will still hold on for my mothers name, and others. And I will do my best to help others in this walk. This battle is not only for woman but also men. Yes a few knows that but men also go threw breast cancer. Also men have sisters, mothers, and other women in their Life. Cancer is a fight one person cannot do alone but us as many can do something. Just because I have Life in prison I do have faith. I got family support, friends support this is inside prison and outside prison. I have God by my side. I see Life through a few fights that I was too blind to once see. I am only 36 years old. I have a long Life I must see and I will see that Life. I have faith. Love, Peace, freedom in more ways than one. So whatever the outcome may be I am ok. I am ready for the fight. I will hold on to what I seen others went threw in this battle. I will be the Voice. I am in Voice from inside this Box. This Box cannot hold my battle on my Voice or my inner freedom. Whatever my medical outcome is will not change what I feel now and what I will do to help others. This is just a wake-up call for me. I ask all women to please walk this battle for the ones you lost, love, or know or for the ones you don't know. I ask that no matter what you fear you take time out your Life and go to medical and get a checkup. Cancer has no age limit, no color. No reason. Do not let medical tell you your too young. Do it for yourself. (Look at me.) I am only 36. Don't be scard of the outcome. Just be ready like myself and fight this battle You are not by yourself I promise you. You don't know me but I am by your side I promise. I am just the small voice in the box. No matter my medical outcome is I will still fight this battle. Thank you for reading me. The small voice in the Box. 2015 Transcribed in 2017

Author: Mclean, Jammie "New Hope"

Author Location: California

Date: May 18, 2015

Genre: Essay

Extent: 6 pages

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