'Prison Pain' is distinct. It is different from losing your job or your dog dying. It is different from missing prom or your date canceling. Try finding out from prison that someone you love has cancer; or that your grand-father has pass'd. While knowing also that your father already had a brain anuerism (spell check) and hasn't walked since 2014. Try having 16 years to serve with 2 children with 2 different mothers. Your trap'd. Your world's collapse-ing slowly. You've tried to take your own life twice. You came so close to dying from a pill overdose, you were in a coma for 3 days, after a blood transfusion your kidneys aren't 100%. All-the-while, you have to maintain your mental, because the convicts smell fear & it's cousin depression. On the occasions you lose it, become violent or rebellious, they handcuff you, tether the handcuff to shackles and leave you like this for up to 72 hours, depending on how 'well' you behave while on them. Think about that, no break for relief or sleep for 72 hours, how primitive that is. How ugly and degrading. If they used chemical agent/mace beforehand your wearing that for the time being.
To be honest I don't know how the guys I'm around that are doing 60, 30 or life in general do it. In my state you cannot smoke nor can you see any pictures of any form of nudity. It's against the rules. You need your family, because the serve-ing sizes are so inadequate that when you don't eat from 430 - 5pm to 630 - 7am, it takes a toll on you, lose weight stress out, makes you cranky etc. Makes being in segregation an ordeal.
'Prison Pain' is harsh and aggressive. It takes the girl you love and leaves no replacement. No club night or bar hopping to meet girls or Facebook, Instagram, Tinder to find a way to cover up the break up. No group of guys & girls to socialize within an easy going manner to cheer you up. Your stuck remembering every moment you spent with her good or bad. Questioning what you did wrong or what her true intentions were. Stuck remembering the sex you feel you'll never share an experience like that again. The pet names and good mornings, waking up with smiles and questions about the day..... you face
I've done my wrong, have worn my guilt. I dont know what tomorrow inside these walls will bring, but I do know that I'm praying for this prison pain to stop. For more positive support, for my need for encouragement & compassion to be recognized and given without prompting. I haven't been a model inmate, but I'm working at it. From level 5 maximum where I generally started, now floating between the level 4 facilities, I'm trying to find a way to behave amongst murderers, thieves drug-dealers etc. All of this I've written is about my life and what I've been dealing with in prison, since their is no correct way to be held captive I do all I can to stay sane. But I tell you, you don't know pain, til you've come to prison. It is a emotionally gut-wrenching experience you can not run away from once your in. Alot of guys pretend otherwise but inside that hurt festers.
Amen & Goodnight
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