Reflections from the Cement Coffin
(July 19, 2013- Friday- roughly 4:24 A.M.) I opened my eyes at about 3:40 A.M. after having another experience with the inner dreamworld. The experience was clear to me during its occurance, but now I am only able to recall that the experience was about the movement of consciousness. The connection would appear to be to the psych evaluation I experienced yesterday because reflections immediately began to speak with me about it after opening my eyes. I noticed, after having had the experience, the dense heavy emotional ambivalence that I felt yesterday after the evaluation had dissipated. It may have been the dense heavy emotional ambivalence resulting from the evaluation that compelled me to shortly afterwards move through the reflections on paper concerning it. It appeared to be the necessary way for me to begin relieving myself of the heavy ambivalence while at the same time downloading the transfer of information within the emotional intelligence. It would appear that my evaluation of the psyche evaluation is being confirmed by the experience and the afterwards feeling of the dense heavy emotional ambivalence having dissipated. This is the more clearer connection to the excerpt from book Berdyaev's Philosophy: The Existential Paradox of Freedom & Necessity. It is a critical study done by Fuao Nucho. He writes, "Berdyaev's thought and life must be taken as a whole. the gradual and abrupt changes in his historical existence were echoed in his thinking. It is vitally important to read his earlier works in the light of his late writings and with due sensitiveness to the circumstances and crises that prevailed at the time he wrote. As Conalo [?] A. Lowrie remind us, in order to assess the apparent contradictions in Berdyaev's philosophy, "it must be recalled that Berdyaev's books cover nearly half a century of his developing thought- and what a stormy development it was!" When ever Berdyaev wrote, he was responding to the entire historical milieu and often to see persona crisis as well. "I write in response to an inner voice which commands me to transmit my mental experience. Writing is no luxury for me but a means of survival, an almost pysiological necessity" (pg. 150).
Some of my initial journal entries go back to 2007 when observation of synchronized movement began compelling me to write everyday as a result of desiring to understand the nature and meaning of the movement I was increasingly experiencing. The following entries are a few examples: On 4-21-07, Brother Thomas and I had another conversation during which he emphasized the party I am on and the oneness we share with god together- how he can feel the power of my intention. the brother keeps making a big deal about the book of Thomas- for me to get it and read it because it shared the views of the message I speak. James and Thomas are the names of the two apostles who more clearly exemplify the truth of Jesus teaching. James is the book which speaks of the perfect law of liberty, which inspired me to intensify my focus on God and the eternal laws which cover the experience of my existence. It is no accident that Brother Thomas is from Sacramento, knows John, my childhood friend, and not only shares my way of thinking just as I share his, but enlightens me and encourages me in my walk.
5-6-07- In the process of racing about Devas and the spirit of collective consciousness being the feminine principle in all things- the night before I spoke to the mountain- the following day the officer tells me the meaning of the Indian name Mount Tamalpias, which is the sleeping lady. The spirit moved through him.
5-7-07- the flow continues to teach and admonish. While I was sitting up against the wall on the yard reading Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, I unwittingly judge a brother who was walking laps by himself around the track. He passed by a couple of time and I judged him to be a angry man because of the expression on his face. The next time he passed by he was very cordial. he commented on how the book I was reading is real good- that he had read it a couple of years ago. I could only laugh at my foolishness.
It's now 9:24 A.M. roughly. For about the last couple of hours I have been laying back on my bunk listening the reflections aggressively impulse me as a result of continuing to explore the emotional intelligence from the psyche evaluation. The attempt to move through a extensive analysis of the emotional intelligence is tempting but it is instead toward the direction of synthesizing the reflections into a concise summary that I am leaving.
The emotional intelligence from the psyche evaluation is allowing me to see more clearly the contradictory nature of the path I am experiencing. My path of rehabilitative awareness begins with moments experienced during childhood and all moments along my path are a part of my rehabilitative process. What I am saying is that this ideologically constructed world is the prison that I was incarcerated/ born in. Unless one is aware of the untrue of the overall rehabilitative process I am experiencing, it is easy to get caught up on the contradictions of it.
(Roughly 10:28 P.M.) When I went out to the mini-yard this morning, as soon as Robert sees me, he says to me, "I got something for you to read. He was talking about a excerpt from the book he is racing by James Hollis, P.H.D. titled Why Good People do Bad Things. I quote the excerpt in its entirety. He writes, "wherever we go, we carry our shadow with us in fact, the larger the light, the longer the shadow will inevitably prove to be. The more "enlightened" we believe ourselves to be, the vaster we discover that which remain unconscious, or must be defended against. (As someone put it to me today, "the more I read, the more I realize I have never read. i wonder if I will live long enough) some of the craziest people I know are graduate analyst. Some are delightfully crazy, and are usually of great help to the patients; others are unable to keep their craziness from harming those who come to them. No amount of analysis, concerted effort toward consciousness, or willfulness toward citrus proves a sure stay against shadow irruptions [?].
Everywhere we move, our shadow trails us- its hidden agendas, its repressed motives, its imposing history, its unloved life, its fear-driven stratagems. Into relationships, into work life, into the dram I dream tonight, the shadow elements are dynamically active. And if this is so of any and each of us, only one person, what happens wherever more than one are gathered? Does not the shadow go with each if them, occasion contrary or mutual, projections, blend together, provide and even greater sum of darkness? Is not the shade of a group more than the sum of individual shadows, and might it not create a whole new dimension of consciousness? Just as two persons can intermingle their shadows, producing the famous foile a oeux, so groups can suffer a collective contagion, a group madness, a communal enthusiasm. We have only to look at the sad chronicle of human history to see collective contagions, participatory madness, wars and witch hunts, and the violence that may rise from collective possessions" (pg. 107, 109).
(July 20, 2013- Saturday- roughly 7:00 P.M.) I was curious as to how emotional intelligences would move me these next couple of days. I transpacked this morning and I leave Old Folsom Monday morning for the next institution- a hospital care center that inmates are being chosen to go to- to be a part of a permanent workcrew. This is interesting to me.
I am still exploring the emotional intelligence from the psych evaluation. As a result of the discussion I had with a inmate this morning in r&r while waiting to transpack my property, a significant shift through terminology models occurred- I think of terminology models as perceptual forms as well. The inmate used the terminology model "internal thinking." I afterwards began processing various connections. I was thinking in terms of independent thinking being dependent on/with the emotional intelligence/being inside our vessel. It seems that what connected me strongly to the model is its relationship with the terminology model "the declaration for independence." It seems reasonable to consider that the ability to effectively think independently is a primary component of the declaration for independence. The ability to think independently in a effective manner may seem life a strange thing to say, so let me say a little bit more about the consideration. I think that effective independent thinking is generally presumed to equal the freedom of expression and this effective freedom of expression being equated with the freedom of life. it may be though that the effectiveness of one's independent thinking can only be subjective determined by the objective of the individual. If one's objective is to experience existence for a limited amount of time, then the achievement of that objective would appear to be a reflection of one's ability to think effectively in a independent manner.
There appears to be no such thing as a non-indecent thinker. I am just realizing this. If our thinking is dependent on/with the emotional intelligence/being inside our vessel, then whether the bond is predominately with the positive emotional being or the negative emotional being, the thinking that one experiences would still be dependent on that emotional being. If I feel negative, I think negative. If I feel positive, I think positive.
However, the perspective broadens when the shift through the terminology model "internal thinker" is made. it seems the necessity of the shift exists in that the contrasting model to "independent thinker," which would appear to be "exdependent thinker" or "outdependent thinker," is difficult to stomach. What would it mean to be a exdependent thinker? To no longer be dependent upon thinking? This would seem to be impossible. It would seem that the very experience of my existence is dependent upon my thinking. It may be reasonable to consider, though, that a "outdependent thinker" who would be one whose thinking is dependent on the emotional being appearing to exist outside the self which may the equivalent of dependency on the opinions/judgments of the outside world. Nevertheless, the model "outdependent thinker" still feels like a difficult one to stomach. The relationship between the models independent thinker and ex/outdependent thinker doesn't feel symetrical in there contrast to each other.
Bu then there is the shift to the terminology model "internal thinker." the symmetrical relationship with its' contrasting model "external thinker" would appear to account for the tremendous movement with emotional intelligence I am experiencing through the connection between the two models.
The internal thinker, it seems reasonable to consider, is the undifferentiated consciousness existing inside myself. But if the positive/negative emotional being exist inside myself, how then do I equate its' existence with undifferentiated consciousness. The transmutation or neutralization of the polarize emotional being would appear to be synonymous with the zero point emotional being field and is therefore capable of being equated with undifferentiated consciousness- the internal thinker.
On the other hand, the external thinker would appear to be the positive-negative emotional being this ideologically constructed world seems to be. The polarization is double-mindedness. the double-mindedness is judgment. It may be the relationship with the negatively polarized emotional being that misleads one deeper and deeper into the world of external thinking (i.e. the being lost in the wilderness unable to see the forest due to being distracted by so many trees (i.e. judgment) into the jurisdiction of the external thinker. This it seems leads to a separation of consciousness and therefore alienation from the internal thinker (undifferentiated consciousness) until the judgmental thinking of the external thinker is achieved. I think of the saying that it is impossible to serve two masters.
When I think of the internal thinker as the undifferentiated consciousness existing inside of me and the external thinker as the particle consciousness double-mindedness of the ideologically constructed world existing outside myself, the relationship between the undifferentiated consciousness of the internal thinker and the particle consciousness of the external thinker becomes even clear it seems. It appears reasonable to consider that we are able to observe the existence of the external thinker in the movement of people, places and things in the external world. But also, its the external world is a reflection of the internal world, then it would seem that the decree to which we create the world we desire to experience our existence in. There appears to be a important distinction between independent thinking and internal thinking. The sound coding between the word models internal and eternal would appear to suggest this as well. The Declaration of Independence would appear to suggest this as well. The Declaration of Independence has seemingly done very little for us when it comes to the construction of a civilized world reflective of civilize people. It seems reasonable to say that essentially the same crimes against humanity that were being committed before and after the signing of the Declaration of Independence are the same crimes against humanity being committed now, except probably on a much grander scale. The organized criminality is now seemingly executed in a "much more kinder-gentler way" making it acceptable to our collective body in that we obviously consent to be governed in such a way and therefore are responsible for the organized criminal behavior. Independent thinking had done very little for us it seems. But what about the declaration for internal existence? The declaration for eternal existence? It seems this is what the Declaration is really about.
(Jul 21, 2013- Sunday- roughly 7:00 A.M.) The shift through the relationship between the terminology models internal thinking and external thinking seems to be connected to the emotional intelligence from the psyche evaluation. I say this because emotional intelligence appears to be speaking to me clearly about it.
The process of rehabilitation from behind the walls of the micro prison system seems to be a good illustration of the intent of existentialist thinking. I think of how reasonable it seems to consider that, unless a man or woman has experienced the process of giving birth to a child or to children, as many women obviously have, that it is impossible for that man or woman to understand what it takes to carry the child/children to the extent of the required term and then endure the pain of the actual giving birth. It would appear to be the same with the rehabilitative process. It seems reasonable to consider that, if a man or woman has not experienced the rehabilitative process from behind prison walls, it would be impossible for that man or woman to understand what it takes to successfully experience and evolve through the process of rehabilitation. It would appear to be the equivalent of someone who has never given birth to a child telling a woman what it means to give birth to a child. She will only really know once she experiences the process herself.
As one who is currently experiencing the process of rehabilitation, the appropriate question doesn't seem to be whether or not I am rehabilitated or if I have, after twenty-two plus years of incarceration, become rehabilitated. The appropriate question instead seems to be if I have been allowed to enter into any experience. The process of rehabilitation in the system. If it is reasonable to consider that rehabilitation is a return to one's former state of existence- if it is reasonable to consider that our former state of existence- if it is reasonable to consider that our former state of existence is a world in which there is no suffering (the mythological stories, including the bible and Quran seem to suggest this via the garden paradise parable/allegory), then it would seem to be the case that nobody is rehabilitated because we all still are experiencing our existence in a ideologically constructed world in which children, women and men suffer. The- if there is somebody who presumes to be rehabilitated or presumers to be living the intended American dream, intellect will have to be used in order to make this connection.
Whether or not I have entered into the rehabilitative process, though, with the system is an entire different question. It is like asking whether or not I am travelling the path the biblical story says is difficult and narrow. It is like asking if I have entered into a progressive relationship with the internal thinker. And the answers to these question would seem to speak clearly for themselves because the rehabilitative process leads to the birth of a higher consciousness which helps to reveal and guide the practical way forward to us and therefore this world becoming rehabilitated.
I think of the rehabilitated process I am experiencing in the sense of three concentric circles. the inner most- all encompassing circle personifies the zero point emotional being field. the second circle would personify the physical world at large or the macro prison system and the third smaller circle personified the micro prison environment in which I currently exist. It is while in the micro prison environment entering into the rehabilitative process that I have realigned my consciousness with the zero point emotional being (i.e. undifferentiated consciousness/ the living intelligence of the system/ the internal thinker). The reciprocal response to my intentions from the system through her members would appear to be the indication that my higher consciousness have- has been given birth to, at least on the micro level. This reflects my path being the symbolic path of our collective body forward. the indication is that the rehabilitative process that is being effective at giving birth to my higher consciousness is the same process that will be effective at ginning birth to higher consciousness in this world.
The consideration regarding existentialism is that we have seemingly been thrusted into this wild- uncivilized- chaotic ideologically constructed world and, even though we haven't understood the meaning of rehabilitation or that our own rehabilitation is necessary in order to one day, in the moment of now, experience our existence in a free world, we are nevertheless compelled to experience our existence in this world as if we truly understand until we eventually become aware and enter consciously into the rehabilitative process. It would seem reasonable for me to say that those who play their roles sitting over me in judgment of whether or not I am rehabilitated and fit to return to society offer their opinion as to what constitutes effective rehabilitation. The declaration for independent thinking (i.e. internal thinking) seems to make clear what constitutes effective rehabilitation- namely the application of principle thinking to facilitate transformation- the reorganizing of the collective body around principled thinking- the separation from the way of thinking necessitating the rehabilitation and just as important- in order to having a decent respect for the opinions of mankind- declaring this reasons- the cause impelling you to the separation. This is probably generally perceived to mean sating a grievance or opposition to the mismanagement of government money or public servants through outer expression of words- anger- discontent- judgment. This what somebody does all around the world it seems- everybody then I suppose. Maybe there is some sitting back watching too- presuming to know and understand what is really going on- waiting to see if the devil is really telling the truth- that it is all going to crash and burn down in one great last war- the big battle- murder-death-rape-mayham- the anticipation so full of spirit and fake ass joy that nobody has created a kingdom of heaven on mother earth right now. But it is none of my business. It is between somebody and his higher power. Who am I to judge another's servent for doing what they are programmed to do. My business is to discuss with my brothers and sisters how it seems possible for us to go ahead and complete the building of the kingdom of heaven on mother earth. We really have nothing to complain about because together we have the power of creativity. While verbal expression appears to be a part of declaring the cause that impels us to the separation, what would appear to more significantly be the case is actually doing the work of organizing that the declaration requires us to do (i.e. faith without works is dead). But also, it would seems that declaring the cause necessitates understanding the nature of this ideologically constructed world in order to be substantively aware of the reason for declaring the intent to separate. For instance, our intention to separate from this ideologically constructed world is because we desire to finish building and experience our existence in the kingdom of heaven on mother earth. The nature of this world is diametrically opposed to it. And then also to impel would seem to be to force- to generate movement there may be a relation to the uploading of consciousness. The cause impelling us to the separation would then seem to be the process of rehabilitation itself. It seems reasonable to consider the process of rehabilitation is the collective process toward healthy psychological evolution spanning back to the beginning of our experience in this world. It may be that we are now at a point on our evolutionary development that it is now time for us to aggressively move forward to the next step of our journey together . It would appear to be the next stop- not the last step but the next step.
(Roughly 6.00 P.M.) "Time is only the body, but for-ever is the soul." Robert shared with me this reflection saying that it concisely describes the moment we have sent together here at Old Folsom.
It appears the study process of uploading consciousness leads to the acceptance of the unusual nature the experience of our existence is.
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