Surviving prison food

SURVIVING PRISON FOOD Surviving prison is one thing. But surviving prison food? Well, that’s something entirely different. | mean, we all know that prison is full of brutes and bullies, but there’s a solution for that; go to the weaponry chapter, learn how to make a weapon, and keep it with you at all times. We all know that prison can be depressing, but there’s a solution for that, too; go to the mental health chapter, learn some techniques to keep the mind healthy, and apply them. And if you need money? Go to the section of this book where I teach you different hustles, learn/do one, and get paid. And if you want to get drink, go to the chapter about making pruno, follow the pruno-making steps, and enjoy. I can show you how to do all that, and a couple of other things, too, but what I can’t show you is how to enjoy prison food. I’m just not sure it’s possible... I’ve been to my fair share of prisons over the years, and while the quality of the food usually varies from place to place, for the most part it’s never good; the quality variations being between bad and worse. And although one might think you’d get used to it after a while, it actually works quite the opposite. See... the prisons meals are made up according to a “nutrition/caloric” “guideline.” In other words, “by law,” the prisons have to provide us with a certain amount of “nutrition” and “calories.” No part of that has anything to do with taste quality or variation, so most prisons have created a few meals that meet the “nutrition/caloric” “guideline,” at the least amount of expense to them, then they rotate the meals around and around. However, the creativity of those in charge of designing the meals is quite impressive, as our meals usually consist of one or more of the following: beans, potatoes, beans, bread, beans, eggs, bread, potatoes, eggs, baloney, beans, baloney, potatoes, and, if you’re lucky, a side order of beans, potatoes, and/or bread. Now, do you really think anyone is going to get used to that? I must admit that the prisons do serve other meals. However, like I said, they are usually served with one or more of the abovementioned items, and they (the other meals), too, are less than desirable. I mean, I’ve been eating greasy pancakes every Monday for so long, that even the smell of the grease turns my stomach... I’m sure by now you understand the pain and suffering capable of being caused by years and years of prison food. So, with that point being made clear, the question becomes: How does one survive such an abusive and torturous menu? Well, here is the answer... For 1) Prison food isn’t going to actually murder you until sometime after the 10" year, so you have some kind of a “grace” period; sure, you may not enjoy your meals, but you will survive them (hopefully). And for 2) Most prisons allow the purchase of canteen items. Therefore, you better A) Figure out a way to get money to purchase canteen, as it does get expensive; and B) Learn how to cook a variety of good meals using the food sold on canteen. (And yes, I said a variety; because even those meals become deadly after eating them over and over for 10, 15, or however many years.) Now, nobody knows what you like to eat better than you, and over time I am sure you will get creative and become your own master chef. However, until that time comes, here are some of the more popular prison recipes created by yours truly — your fellow prisoners. Read them, learn them, try them... It might just save your life. Bean and Cheese Burritos: Materials required: Hot pot, bowl, spoon, cooking bags Ingredients: 6 chili-flavored Ramen noodle soups 2, 8-ounce bags of instant refried beans 1, 12-ounce bag of hot and spicy corn chips 6 ounces of cheese spread 2 packs of flour tortillas (16-20) 1, 5-ounce bottle of Tapatio hot sauce Preparations: Fill your hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, crush all 6 of your Ramen noodle soups while still in their individual packs, open them, set the seasoning packs aside, and pour all the crushed noodles into a bowl. Then, open both bags of beans and pour them into a separate bowl. Put 6 ounces of cheese spread into a cooking bag and tie the bag at the top. Set both bowls of beans and the bag of cheese aside. Cooking: Once your water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into the bowl of crushed noodles, as well as your bowl of beans, and put a lid on each bowl. Fill the hot pot back up with water, and while you’re waiting for the noodles and beans to cook, put the bag of cheese into the hot pot so that it will melt. Once the noodles have finished cooking, drain any/all remaining water, and pour all of the noodles into a cooking bag. Add the desired amount of seasoning salt and mix it up with the noodles real good by tossing it all around in the bag. After the seasoning is evenly mixed throughout the noodles, check to see if the beans are finished cooking. If/when they are, scoop them out of the bowl and into the cooking bag with the noodles. Mix the noodles and beans thoroughly and evenly. By this time the cheese will be melted, so take it out of the hot pot, rip a small opening in the corner of the bag so you can squeeze melted cheese out of it, and set it aside. Then, open the pack of tortillas and lay them out flat, 4 at a time, on your clean, metal bunk. Put the desired amount of noodle/bean mix through the center of each tortilla, squirt the desired amount of cheese over the noodle/bean mix, and then sprinkle a handful of hot and spicy corn chips over that, followed by a bit of Tapatio hot sauce. Roll the burrito up, put it in a cooking or tortilla bag, and repeat the process until all of the burritos are made. Note: Some prisoners like to heat up their tortillas by placing them on top of the hot pot and steaming them. This is a good idea as it will not only heat the tortillas, but allow you to roll the burritos without the tortillas cracking. If you don’t want to heat/steam the tortillas, you might just want to fold them in half like a soft taco. The reasons why you are putting all of the burritos into a cooking bag is because A) You will likely have more burritos than you and your celly will eat in one sitting; B) You can then set the cooking bag full of burritos on top of the hot pot to heat them up before eating them. Chicken Fajitas: Materials required: Hot pot, bowl, spoon, cooking bags Ingredients: 6 chili-flavored Ramen noodle soups 3, 4.5-ounce pouches of chicken breast cuts 10-12 flour tortillas 1, 12-ounce bag of hot and spicy corn chips 2 ounces of sliced jalapeño peppers Preparations: Fill the hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, crush all 6 of the Ramen noodle soups while still in their individual packs, open them, set the seasoning packs aside, and pour all the crushed noodles into a bowl. Open the 3 pouches of chicken breast cuts and pour them all into a cooking bag. Dump out all the chili peppers and jalapenos into a bowl, cut them down into a size of your desire, then dump them all into the cooking bag with the chicken breast cuts. Tie the cooking bag at the top and shake all the chicken, chili peppers, and jalapeños around until it’s all mixed together thoroughly. Cooking: Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into the bowl of crushed noodles and cap the bowl with a lid. Then, while you’re waiting for the noodles to cook, fill the hot pot back up with water, and set the bag of chicken, chili peppers, and jalapeños inside the hot pot so that it will heat up. Once the noodles have finished cooking, drain any/all remaining water, and pour all of the noodles into a cooking bag. Add the desired amount of seasoning salt, and mix it up with the noodles real good by tossing it all around in the bag. Next, take the bag of chicken cuts, chili peppers, and jalapeños out of the hot pot, tear open the bag, and dump everything into the cooking bag with the noodles. Shake the noodles, chicken cuts, chili peppers, and jalapeños around inside the bag so that everything is mixed thoroughly. Lay the flour tortillas out on top of your clean, metal bunk, and cover half of each tortilla with fajita mix. Put a handful of hot and spicy corn chips on top of each pile of fajita mix, fold the flour tortillas in half (like a soft taco), and stack each fajita in a cooking or tortilla bag. When you are ready to eat, simply set the bag of fajitas on top of the hot pot to heat them up, and enjoy. Meat Teriyaki Bowl: Materials required: Hot pot, bowls, spoons, cooking bags Ingredients: 4 hot-n-spicy vegetable-flavored Ramen noodle soups 1, 7-ounce pouch of shredded beef 8 ounces of Chinese sausage 16 ounces of mixed vegetables 6 ounces of chili corn chips 1, 6-ounce bottle of teriyaki sauce Preparations: Fill the hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, break all 4 Ramen noodle soups in half and put 4 halves into each bowl. Set the seasoning packs aside. Open the pouch of shredded beef and put it all into a cooking bag. Break down the Chinese sausage into small chunks and put it all into the cooking bag with the shredded beef. With your hands, spread all the meat around the bottom of the bag, and then pour the bottle of teriyaki sauce over the meat. Tie the top of the bag and set it aside, allowing the meat to sit and marinate. Put the mixed vegetables in a separate cooking bag, tie the top, and set it to the side as well. Cooking: Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into each bowl of noodles and cap the bowls with their lids. While the noodles are cooking, put the bag of meat/teriyaki-sauce and the bag of mixed vegetables in the hot pot so that they will heat up; put more water in the hot pot if necessary. Once the noodles are fully cooked, drain any/all remaining water. Then, add the desired amount of seasoning to each bowl of noodles and stir until the seasoning is completely mixed throughout. By this time the meat and vegetables will be done cooking. Take out the meat and tear a small hole in the corner of the bag, allowing all the teriyaki sauce to drain into the sink or toilet. Take a spoon, make an opening in the middle of each bowl of noodles, and pour one half of the meat into the center of one bowl, and one half of meat into the other. Take the bag of mixed vegetables out of the hot pot, tear it open, and spread half of the vegetables over the top of one bowl, and half over the top of the other. Lastly, get yourself a couple of pencils, and enjoy. FYI: Just kidding about the pencils. Beef and Bean Burritos: Materials Required: Hot pot, bowls, spoon, cooking bags Ingredients: 6 Chili-flavored Ramen noodle soups 2, 8-ounce bags of instant refried beans 1, 8-ounce bag of instant rice 1, 10-ounce summer sausage 1, 11.25-ounce pouch of chili beans 6 ounces of jalapeño cheese spread 4 ounces of mayonnaise Preparations: Fill the hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, crush all 6 of the Ramen noodle soups while still in their individual packs, open them, set the seasoning packs aside, and pour all of the crushed noodles into a bowl, followed by the rice. Pour all of the instant refried beans into a separate bowl and set the bowl of noodles/rice and the bowl of beans to the side. Now break the summer sausage up into small chunks and place them inside of a cooking bag. Open the pouches of roast beef, pour them into the cooking bag with the summer sausage chunks, mix all the meat together, and tie the top of the bag. Put 6 ounces of cheese spread into a separate cooking bag, followed by the 4 ounces of mayonnaise, and tie the top of that bag, too. Set both the meat and cheese/mayo bags aside. Cooking: Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into the bowl of noodles/rice, as well as the bowl of beans. Put a lid on each bowl. Fill the hot pot back up with water and let it boil. Set the pouch of chili beans in the bottom of a bowl, flat, and set the bag of meat on top of it. Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into the bowl to allow the pouch of chili beans and bag of meat to heat up, and then set the bag of cheese/mayo inside the hot pot so that it will melt and mix together. Once the noodles/rice have finished cooking, drain any/all remaining water, and pour all of the noodles/rice into a cooking bag. Add the desired amount of seasoning salt, and mix it up with the noodles/rice real good by tossing it all around in the bag. After the seasoning is evenly mixed throughout the noodles/rice, check to see if the beans are finished cooking. If/when they are, scoop them out of the bowl and into the cooking bag with the noodles/rice. Mix the noodles/rice and beans thoroughly and evenly. By now the bag of meat and chili bean pouch should be heated up. Open the chili bean pouch, squeeze all the chili beans into the cooking bag with the noodles/rice/refried-beans and mix it all together. Once it’s all mixed thoroughly and evenly, do the same with the bag of meat. Now you have a cooking bag full of burrito filling. Take the bag of cheese/mayo, mix both substances together inside the bag, rip the bag open, squeeze it all into the burrito filling, and mix everything together thoroughly. Lay out the tortillas on your clean, metal bunk, put burrito filling down the center of each tortilla, roll or fold, and place each one inside of a cooking or tortilla bag. Once you have finished, you can heat them up by setting the bag of burritos on top of the hot pot, and then eat them at your leisure. Beef Soft Tacos: Materials required: Hot pot, bowl, spoon, cooking bags Ingredients: 6 chili-flavored Ramen noodle soups 1, 7-ounce pouch of shredded beef 1, 6-ounce pouch of beef crumbles 1, 11-ounce beef summer sausage 1, 10-ounce pouch of chili beans 6 ounces of cheese spread 4 ounces of mayonnaise 10-12 flour tortillas Preparations: Fill the hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, crush all six of the Ramen noodle soups while still in their individual packs, open them, set the seasoning packs aside, and pour all the crushed noodles into a bowl. Open the pouches of shredded beef and beef crumbles and pour everything into a cooking bag. Break the summer sausage down into small chunks, and put it all into the cooking bag with the other meat. Tie a knot at the top of the bag, shake all the meat up thoroughly, and set it aside. Once that is complete, scoop out 6 ounces of cheese spread and put it into a cooking bag. Add 4 ounces of mayonnaise to the cheese spread, and tie the bag off at the top. Cooking: Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into the bowl of crushed noodles and cap the bowl with a lid. Lay the pouch of chili beans in the bottom of a bowl, flat, set the bag of meat on top of it, and pour the remaining water into the bowl so that the chili beans and meat heat up. Fill the hot pot back up with water, plug it in, and set the bag of cheese/mayo inside so that it heats and melts together. Once the noodles have finished cooking, drain any/all remaining water, and pour all of the noodles into a cooking bag. Add the desired amount of seasoning salt, and mix it up with the noodles real good by tossing it all around in the bag. Take the bag of mixed meat, tear it open, and dump it all into the cooking bag with the noodles. Open the pouch of chili beans and put them into the cooking bag with the noodles and meats, and then mix all the ingredients together evenly and thoroughly. Lay the flour tortillas out on top of your clean, metal bunk, and cover half of each tortilla with soft taco mix. Take the bag of cheese/mayo out of the hot pot, and kneed the bag until the cheese and mayonnaise is mixed together thoroughly. Tear a small hole in the corner of the bag so you can squeeze cheese/mayo sauce out onto your soft tacos, and squeeze the desired amount onto each. Fold the tortillas in half and stack each soft taco inside of a cooking or tortilla bag. When you are ready to eat, simply set the bag full of soft tacos on top of the hot pot to heat them up, and enjoy. Spaghetti and Meat balls: Materials Required: Hot pot, bowl, spoon, cooking bags Ingredients: 6 beef-flavored Ramen noodle soups 1, 12-ounce pouch of meatballs and tomato sauce 1, 8-ounce beef summer sausage 6 ounces of nacho cheese chips 6 ounces of cheese spread 4 ounces of mayonnaise Preparations: Fill the hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, break all six of the Ramen noodle soups in half while still in their individual packs, open them, set the seasoning packs aside, and put all 12 halves of Ramen noodle soup blocks into a bowl. Break the summer sausage down into small chunks and put it all into a cooking bag. Open the pouch of meatballs and tomato sauce and pour the entire pouch into the cooking bag with the summer sausage chunks. Tie a knot at the top of the cooking bag and mix the summer sausage chunks evenly throughout the meatballs and tomato sauce. Put 6 ounces of cheese spread into a cooking bag, add 4 ounces of mayonnaise, and tie a knot at the top of the bag. Cooking: Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into the bowl of noodles and cap the bowl with a lid. Set the bag of cheese/mayo inside of a bowl, and pour the remaining water into the bowl so that the cheese/mayo will melt and mix together. Fill the hot pot back up with water, plug it in, and set the bag of meatballs, tomato sauce, and summer sausage inside so that it will heat up. Once the noodles are done cooking, drain any/all remaining water, and then dump the noodles into a cooking bag. Sprinkle only two of the beef seasoning packets over the noodles, and mix it up real good by tossing it all around in the bag. Check to see if the bag of materials, tomato sauce, and summer sausage is hot. If so, rip a little hole in the bottom of the bag and allow all the meat and sauce to spill into the bag of noodles. Then, pick up the bag of ingredients; hold it up with one hand by the top of the bag, and with your other hand, shake all the noodles, meat, and sauce around until it’s mixed thoroughly. Take the bag of cheese/mayo sauce, tear a small hole in the bottom, and squeeze all of the cheese/mayo sauce into the cooking bag with the noodles, meat, and tomato sauce, and repeat the process of holding the top of the bag up with one hand and shaking the bottom around with the other until all of the ingredients — noodles, meatballs, tomato sauce, summer sausage chunks, and the cheese/mayo — are mixed together thoroughly. You now have a cooking bag full of spaghetti and meatballs. Put half into one bowl, and the other half into another bowl. Throw 3 ounces of nacho cheese chips on top of each bowl, and enjoy. Hot and Spicy Fish Dish: Materials Required: Hot pot, bowl, spoon Ingredients: 2 chili-flavored Ramen noodle soups 1, 8 ounce bag of instant rice 1, 4.5-ounce pouches of tuna 2, 4-ounce pouches of fish steaks (any flavor) 1 bottle of hot chili Sriracha sauce Preparations: Fill the hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, put one soup and one half bag of rice into each bowl. Set the seasoning packs aside. Cooking: Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into each bowl, and then cap each bowl with a lid. Fill the hot pot back up with water, plug it in, and then put the fish steak pouches in the hot pot to heat them up. Note: Depending on the size of the hot pot, you may have to heat the fish steak pouches separately. Once the bowls of noodles/rice are fully cooked, drain any/all remaining water, and sprinkle the desired amount of seasoning into each bowl. Then, drain the water out of the tuna pouches and pour one pouch into each bowl. Stir the noodles, rice, seasoning and tuna until each bowl is mixed thoroughly. Once the noodles/rice is cooked and mixed thoroughly with the tuna, take the fish steaks out of the hot pot and put one into each bowl. Squirt the desired amount of Sriracha sauce over the top of each bowl, and enjoy. Beef Tamales: Materials Required: Hot pot, bowl, spoon, cup, cooking bag Ingredients: 16 ounces of nacho or corn chips 1, chili-flavored Ramen noodle soup 1, 8-ounce bag of instant rice 1, 8-ounce spicy summer sausage 1, 7-ounce pouch of shredded roast beef 1.5 ounces (or desired amount) of diced chili peppers 1.5 ounces (or desired amount) of diced jalapeños Preparations: Fill the hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, crush the Ramen noodle soup while it’s still in its pack, open it, set the seasoning pack aside, pour it into a bowl, then open the bag of rice and pour it into the bowl, too. Next, pour the bag of instant refried beans into a separate bowl and set both bowls aside. Open the pouch of shredded beef and dump it all out into a cooking bag. Break the summer sausage down into small chunks and mix it in with the shredded beef. Tie the top of the bag and set it to the side. Grab the bag of chips, let the air out of the bag, and while leaving the chips inside the bag, crush them all down into dust. Cooking: Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into the bowl of noodles/rice as well as the bowl of beans, and put a lid on each bowl. Next, you need to pour a little bit of water into the chip bag with the crushed chips. You need to do so gradually so that you don’t add too much, as you only want an amount of water that will allow you to knead the crushed chips into a dough-like substance. So, pour a little bit of water, then knead the crushed chips into “dough,” and if you need a little more water, add it at that time. Once you’ve poured the necessary amount of water into the crushed chips, fill the hot pot back up, and put the bag of meat into the hot pot so that it will heat up while you finish kneading the crushed chips into “dough.” After you’ve kneaded most of the crushed chips together through the chip bag, tear down one side of the bag, and then along the bottom, so that it becomes one large piece of flat plastic. Doing this will allow you to knead the crushed chips thoroughly and into a big, flat piece. Note: Many prisoners like to use the edges of the bag, or an entirely different bag/piece-of-plastic to flatten and shape the dough. Once you have formed the dough into one big piece (about a quarter-of-an-inch thick), you should cut it into pieces twice the size of what you want each tamale to be. (Keep in mind that it’s easier to make larger-sized tamales — about 3 inches by 6 inches.) Check to see if the beans are done cooking. If/when they are, spread beans over half of the dough pieces. Check the noodles/rice to see if it’s finished cooking. If/when it is, drain any/all remaining water, add the desired amount of seasoning salt, and stir thoroughly. Then, spread the noodles/rice over the same dough pieces that you have spread beans over. Once that step is complete, take the bag of meat out of the hot pot and mix it all around inside the bag. Then, open the bag, and pile an even amount of meat on the dough pieces you’ve put beans, noodles, and rice on. Take the peppers and jalapenos, and sprinkle the desired amount of top of the meat. Lastly, cover the filling-full pieces of dough with pieces of dough you did not put anything on, and seal the sides by pressing them together. In the end, you should have something that resembles a hot pocket and tastes deliciously. Meat and Cheese Nachos: Materials Required: Hot pot, bowl, spoon, cooking bag Ingredients: 1, 16 ounces of nacho chips 1, 4-ounce bag of instant refried beans 1, 8-ounce pouch of chili beans 1, 7-ounce pouch of shredded beef 1, 5-ounce spicy summer sausage 1, 8-ounce container of cheese spread 4 ounces of mayonnaise 2 ounces of sliced jalapeños Preparations: Fill the hot pot with water and plug it in. While you’re waiting for the water to boil, put all of the cheese and mayonnaise into a cooking bag. Tie a knot at the top of the bag and set it aside. Open the refried beans, pour them into a bowl, and set it to the side, too. Next, open the bag of chips (the standard way), and then tear carefully down one side and along the bottom so that what you end up with is one, flat, large piece of plastic that will serve as a plate. Open the pouch of shredded beef and dump it all into a cooking bag, and with your hands, make sure the beef is shredded apart nicely. Then, open the summer sausage, break the entire sausage down into little pieces with your hands, and put the pieces into the cooking bag with the shredded beef. Take out the sliced jalapeños, cut each one in half, and throw those in the bag, too. Mix the shredded beef, summer sausage, and jalapenos up really well, then tie a knot at the top of the bag and set it aside. Cooking: Once the water is boiling, pour the necessary amount into the bowl of refried beans and cap the bowl with a lid. Then, fill the hot pot back up with water, plug it in, and put the pouch of chili beans inside. As soon as the refried beans have completely cooked, take out the pouch of chili beans, open it up, dump it all into the bowl with the refried beans, and mix both kinds of beans together. Once the beans are mixed together thoroughly, put a lid on the bowl to keep them warm. The next step is to put the bag of meat/ jalapeños and the bag of cheese/mayo into the hot pot so that the meat/ jalapeños will heat up and the cheese/mayo sauce will melt into one, nice cream. It should only take a few minutes for the meat/ jalapeños to heat up and the cheese/mayo to melt, so as soon as you see it’s ready, open the bowl of beans and pour them evenly over the chips. Then, take out the meat/ jalapeños, tear open the bag, and spread it out evenly on top of the beans. For the final step, take out the bag of cheese/mayo, and make sure it’s mixed together nicely by kneading the bag. It will be very hot, so you may want to put a towel over your hand while doing this. Then, once it’s mixed thoroughly into a cheese/mayo cream, tear the bottom corner of the bag open, squeeze the creamy sauce all over the top of the chip/bean/meat/ jalapeños pile, and enjoy.