The damnd

Marrable, Tabludin

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"The Damnd' My name is Tabludin (Tab) Marrable [ID] I am currently in the Arkansas Department of Corrections serving a life without the possibility of parole sentence that I received at the age of 20. My co-defendant was 16 years of age and only received 25 years. He had a paid attorney and I had a public defender. I was under the impression that capital murder only carried two sentences which prompted my decision to take a plea bargain for a life sentence rather than face the death penalty. I know that I was young and dumb but imagine how I felt when my co-defendant got 25 years for capital murder. I felt like I had been used by the prosecutor as a scapegoat because I was the older of the two of us and my lawyer was no better because he too encouraged me to take a plea. I never denied the fact that I regrettably participated in a crime which caused 2 people their lives and 1 lone survivor that will be physically and emotionally scarred her whole life. I pray everyday that I can change what happened. You don't really learn the law until you break the law which is how I learned that capital murder is the felony in the commission of another felony. My co-defendant had to have lied to me and the detectives because I never saw any marijuana in the victims house nor did I have any marijuana but during the detectives questioning they kept telling me OK after you shot your victims before you left you took some weed, didn't you? I was too scared to say no and I remember my co-defendant had a $10.00 bag of marijuana so I said yeah. We got a dime bag of marijuana not knowing that I was hammering my own nails in my coffin. Just like that, I was being processed for 2 counts of capital murder and 1 count of attempted capital murder. It was about 18 years of being in prison when someone asked me what was my co-defendant charged with? I honestly don't know I told him because I haven't seen my co-defendant since Christmas or so in 1997. I was sentenced to prison in July 1998 and my co-defendant got sentenced in the early month of 2000. They must have dropped my co-defendants charge for capital murder in order for him to receive 25 years. I never once robbed anyone and yet I am charged with capital murder. We had an argument, me and the male victim in which heated words were exchanged, out of anger I pulled my pistol and shot him, chaos ensued and me and my co-defendant emptied our revolvers. Stupidity, negligence, dumb, idiocy and every other moronic word fits the deed that was done but not capital murder. A 20 year old with the mind of a 15 year old is the result of low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacies that resulted in prison, not the iron bars and bad food prison but the prison of peer pressure, lust, addiction, and fear. Wanting to be a man and not knowing how to be and too afraid to ask for help. I was unaccustomed to the harsh reality and brutality of prison but you learn real quick to adjust if you plan on surviving and that's just what I did. I was a drunk and a drug addict so I followed the other addicts to a Substance Abuse Treatment Program where I found salvation in the form of the 12 steps. I had never been to treatment before and my alcoholism and drug use started in Jr. High. Quite naturally I thought everyone else had a problem except me so my participation was minimal. I don't know what I seen or heard or maybe I was just tired of feeling sorry for myself because I had a life sentence and was promised by the Judge that I would die in prison, but my eyes saw and my ears heard and before long I was admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. All I had to do was look around me to see the truth. We had 10 inmate counselors and each one would conduct a group and give lectures. I have never been around people that was so open and honest about their lives, I was captivated. All the different stories about addiction and criminal behavior made me take a close look at my past and there was no way that I could deny that I was a problematic person in need of treatment. I learned to get totally honest with myself and others. I learn that I was a product of toxic shame. I didn't know that I suffered from low self-esteem I didn't know that I was a people pleaser. I did not know how to say "no!" I started sharing my own shortcomings and received feedback. I came to believe that a power that was greater than myself could restore me to sanity so for the first time in my life I learned how to pray, not with my mouth but with my heart. I learned that I could be saved from the dark path that I chose to travel. I learned that I could tell the truth and was capable of being trusted. I learned that I could love and was worthy to be loved. I learned that life was great and was worth living. I learned that all lives matter and that we all fall short of Gods Glory (as we understood him.) For 18 years plus I have helped fellow addicts and prisoners to restore relationships with family, overcome addiction and become productive members of society. I taught them that their lives have purpose and meaning and they in turn taught me the same about mine. One guy told me that I put their wants and needs befor my own and I told him because I love them. He cried. Through all the tears, meditation, and good work that I was doing I still did not feel like I can be forgiven or worthy of forgiveness. Deep is the [wound?] in my soul that I fear that I should never be forgiven and yet I pray sincerely for forgiveness because I want to be forgiven sincerely. They say all [wounds?] heal by degrees but how do you heal the violent loss of a loved one. How do you heal the broken soul of a broken man that knows that he has caused heartache and pain to so many and is unable to repair the damage? How do you heal from knowing that you may live in hell on earth for the rest of your life because of sheer stupidity? How do you heal from that? How do you heal from the fact that you know that you deserve punishment, but do you deserve to be raped, beaten, starved, deprived of human rights for 60 or so years? I am 41 years old as of this writing and I have been surviving in the devils den for 21 years. Besides high blood pressure I don't have any other health issues so I am almost sure of being alive for another 20 years and as the law stands right now, I will still be in prison. 60 years old is not that old to where the body breaks down. It only means that I would have endured 40 years of being raped, beaten, and deprived of human rights. Loved ones and friends passing away and family growing distant because the harsh conditions of incarceration effects the mental, physical and spiritual aspect of every person and family. I wish that I could deny the fact that I took a life but I can't because I am guilty as charged. I believe in God and I pray that my life is wroth praying and fighting for. I don't want to spend 60 years in prison which is the equivalent of living in hell on earth. If I go to hell then I deserve to go but I refuse to believe that God has brought me this far just to abandon me midway through my prison sentence. Please people, think before you act or you could end up regretting your actions for the rest of your natural life. I have seen a lot of mean things since I have been in prison and I have a lot of stories to tell. Some sad some funny but they are all real. It does not take a man his natural life to realize that he made a mistake. Once a person knows better he does better and once the mind becomes enlightened then it can never go back to being dark. I have a purpose and a focused direction now and that purpose and direction is in helping other people that are in the same situation as me and feel like they may die in this prison without being given a second chance. However, I am not superman and need a lot of help from society to change the laws about the prison system. I am one lone voice that speaks out against unfair sentencing for anybody especially children that are under 21 years of age. When did we get so heart hardened as a people/society and decide that it was O.K. to throw children away. Boys and girls that are 18, 19, and 20 are still children and don't know how to make healthy choices without guidance. Imagine your children... Now imagine anyone telling you to give up on them because they are a lost cause. It's hard to do! That's called love unconditionally! Thats how we are supposed to be with one another in regardless of race, creed or color. Love is the only thing that can conquer hate and Lord knows we all need a little bit more love in our lives. Help us reform prison. Thanks, Tab

Author: Marrable, Tabludin

Author Location: Arkansas

Date: May 20, 2019

Genre: Essay

Extent: 10 pages

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