The dreary weapon

The Dreary Weapon It was the morning of August 14, 1998 the beginning of starting my life sentence in jail. Oh my God it was a rough night. I laid under my blanket all night crying. I would just mumble slightly under my breath, I don't even know what happened to my son. I would like to know, Lord. Show me, Lord I would pray. Next thing I hear count time and wake up at 5:00 am. We had to stand beside our beds as the jailers counted us. After they counted us we remained up. Getting ready for our day. We showered with our little hotel soap. We had a list of who cleaned up daily amongst us. Whoever cleaned up for that day got the TV. Next the first door slid open, then the second door, it was the male trustee and jailer bringing our breakfast. Which was the nasty things I ever tasted. The coffee was dark with no sugar or creamer. We had two pieces of hard sausage. The eggs and grits was very distasteful. Wow the biscuit was so hard till if you hit someone in the head, you would give them a concussion. In my mind I was thinking what the heck I did to deserve this BS. I had forgot I had rededicated my life to christ. I was cursing up a storm in my mind. All of certain I heard the two cell doors slid again. It was the jailer tell everybody we had to be quarantine because they had some to come into jail with crabs. So all our blankets, sheets, and clothes had to be burned. We was given everything new and was deliced again. Man I was mad all day. My living arrangement was already annoying. I had to live with these women who can driving you to a nervous breakdown. I even didn't even choose this path. Some one else chose it for me. So in the G cell I was in had a total of 9 women bunk upstairs an 9 downstairs. I would play cards with my cousin Laura. And a couple of friends Carolyn and Sweet Pollie. I mostly knowed everybody in the cell. But except for Sofia who was doing 2 years in the county. Also this girl named Lynn who was doing 3 years in the county jail. So my days went some what like this for three month in the Decatur County Jail. I would study my Bible, social (sometimes), watch people come in and out of the county jail that I knew, every weekend. I would attend Bible study every Wednesday, and visitation on Sunday. Everyday I was in this county, I dreaded being in this place. I felt like crawling in a hole and just dying. I cried myself to sleep every night. What have I don't to deserve a life sentence for something I don't know about. Please send somebody to help me Lord. I begin to question what kind of God would let a innocent person suffer. And a mother who wants to know what really happened to her son. I asked myself where does this end? I heard screaming and yelling, oh no who done pissed in these women cereals today. Sofia and Lynn was fighting and cursing each other out. I ought to throw you down the stairway Lynn said. Man, I was finally getting some good sleep. Why in the hell was I being woke up by this foolishness. So the jailer's came in running. They cuffed both of them. To lock down they went. I ask my cousin Laura, what happen? She said they was fighting over cleaning up and TV. I was so pissed off. Well it's November the 1st now 1998. My cousin Laura was waiting to go to prison just like I was. My cousin Laura and friend got shipped that Sunday night. My cousin and I had never been in trouble with the law. Now we both headed off to prison, wow this is crazy, I must say. Laura hugged me, she said goodbye that Sunday night. She said hopefully we will meet up again on this journey. They ship her to Metro State Prison diagnostic. Where she remained for three weeks. By the time I got shipped to Metro State Prison diagnostic my cousin was shipped to Pulaski State Prison. I felt like the umbilical cord had been cut. Because seriously now I don't have nobody. Most of my family had already turned their backs on me. God I know you said you wouldn't forsake or leave me. I cried every night. All the other inmates would to go the pavilion call (recreation) I would cry some more. I remember kept praying don't let me get bitter with the guards and inmates around me. During my days at Metro State Prison diagnostic from November 14,1998 to December 18,1998, It was hard we march day in and out. Cert team was always making us talk to a tree even if we cough wrong. We had to do PT exercises every morning at 4:00 am. Lord my dorm was bad. Women was slipping in each other beds having sex, while the guard was in the booth. Some tried to approach me. Talking about baby I can make you feel better than a man. They would say you are so cute, sexy and fine. I cried so more because I was crushed about this whole situation. I would go to church but I would still feel so dreary. I felt like their was a dark cloud over Metro State Prison that made you feel even depresser. I was ready to get out of their. I would love to go to Pulaski State Prison, where my cousin was. Finally December 18,1998 they told me to pack it up. When I went to ID, their was two officers' present on each side. One set was for Washington State Prison. The other set was for Pulaski State Prison. The ID officer said Inmate Jennifer Johnson, you get on the side with the Washington State Prison officer. When she said that my heart dropped with aching pains. I said in my mind, I don't know anybody at that prison. What am I going to do. I slightly had tears in my eyes. I am already suffering for something I didn't do. Now I can't be with my cousin. Come on Lord, I have no one. As I road the bus to Washington State Prison, I had all kinds of mixed emotions going on. I just wanted to crawl in a hole. An isolate myself from everything and everybody. When I got to Washington State Prison, I did just that. I was assigned to the intake dorm G-2. Oh my Lord do I really have to live with this female. Man this sucks, I thought. Majority of females talk too much. And they re very noisy. Ooh, I dread this craziness. I've already made up my mind to isolate and not talk to anyone. So this roommate tried to build a relationship with me. Cindy would say where you from? Somewhere, why you want to know? huh! I would say. Then she would say do you have family? Some, why? Cindy begin to get into debate with the officers'. I am glad I didn't befriend her truly. Because one morning she was cursing the officer that was assigned to our dorm. All of certain the officer begin to cursing her back out. The officer wrote Cindy a disciplinary report. Cindy was due to be in DR Court the following week. So the officer and inmate Cindy put me down as a witness. I went to DR Court, they gave me a statement form. I wrote politely (NCA) no comment available; cause I don't get into no mess period. Eventually Cindy went home. And I went to classification for a detail. Which I end up working in laundry AM. Wow this is cool I never worked in a real laundry. Then they moved into a regular population dorm F-2. I moved in the room with a girl name Ann, I said to myself oh no another female. So I took my property in the room. This big 6'5" albino woman, said Hello I am Ann. I said hello and I don't like to talk. I was saying in my mind, Lord you are really funny. This is whack! So ann left the room. i put my things up. Made my bed. I got relaxed pull my prayer books' and Bible out. Then took my shower it was so relaxin because at diagnostic we had no shower doors or curtains. Thank God we had shower doors here. In a tub, wow! When I finished, I went downstairs to get me some water and ice. This strange girl came to the water fountain, she said, do you know who you in the room with, I said no. She said, this is the woman who cut her newborn up and cooked and fed him to her husband. Suddenly invisibly I begin to shake in fear. Lord I am scared. What am I going to do. I slept that night but not peacefully. I kept waking up scared in the middle of the night. I would quote Psalms 91 out of the Holy Bible. I would say God got me. It's morning again and wake up count 5 am by your doors. Next count cleared, time to go to chow hall to eat. Then to laundry. Everyday at my detail. My detail officer would find something to send me back to the dorm for whether I was laughing or talking about christ with another sister. I was a good worker but some reason this lady didn't like me. So I kept praying about my detail officers- giving her to the Lord. All of certain one morning, we had the buggies lined up to go get laundry. We normally leave out at 6:00 am at least to pick up laundry from one of the site of the prison. We had east and west side compound. We look in the officer our detail officer was in the same position in her chair, it was 6:45am. We like something is wrong. So we seen a sgt. walking by to go count the buildings. We begin to bang on the door for his attention. He open the door, went into the office to check on our detail officer. They had to call the ambulance because she couldn't move. Later on we find out she had a stoke (light one). But that didn't stop her from being stubborn towards me. She came back to work doing the same thing. As always I didn't disrespect her. I kept praying. Next thing we know, she begin to pass out on a regular basis. We as inmates would be always the ones to get the help. After she recovery from each incident, her stubbornness would become even more stronger towards me. I kept praying and fasting. One day, our counselor called me. The whole laundry detail is being pulled for AM and PM kitchen detail. We all got new schedules, I was placed on PM kitchen. Later on I find out a probationer from J-2 was hit in the head with a iron pitcher. I said to myself are you serious, man they don't suppose to be on the same compound with the states inmates no way. I was like so mad, but then I had to shake myself. Remember all the hell you was going through with the detail officer in the laundry. This was Gods way of rescuing me from harms way. Even though I didn't want to be in the kitchen. Thank you Lord for the miracle Jennifer Johnson, Jennifer Johnson, Jennifer Johnson (mail call). When I was in diagnostic I never got mail because my dad was trying to recover from bailing me out of jail on this case. It was a $20.00 money receipt. We could only spend $25.00 on the store in 1999. But things was so cheap. I can get me a lot of food yeah, yeah. Then I received two more letters. One from my mother in-law, That said you son Wendell's asthma is getting worse. His lungs was constantly filling up with fluid. So they hospitalized him. I was hurt that I couldn't be their with my two year old son. I had to remind myself just the way you prayed about that detail God can work a miracle again. There I opened up my husband Chris letter hoping something was encouraging but he was talking crazy. I am like Lord what else is coming my way? I am tired of going through. Can I ever be happy? All my life every time I look around. I am going through a storm whether it's with people mistreating me, laughing at me or setting traps. My family is always under attack. Plus I am in prison for something I didn't do. This is awful. Well the year of 2000 has entered in. Wow time has flown. Not knowing my life would almost end. I took sick. I was constantly having symptoms that appear to be heart burn and some chest pains. I started to lose excessive weight. I would constantly would go to medical. They would only give me peptos, treating me for indigestion. I felt that something was wrong with me, that was worser than indigestion. I kept telling medical I am real sick. They would say it's just indigestion. They insisted that was all wrong with me. All of certain I begin to throw up my food. Medical still would say it's indigestion. So one day I was coming from the supply room. I begin to get dizzy. Suddenly I passed out. Couldn't remember nothing. When I woke up and I didn't know nothing. I had been in a coma for 10 days in Milledgeville Hospital. After three more days in the hospital, State of Georgia said they had to take me back to the prison because I was costing them too much money. I went through three different doctors. I learned before I left the hospital. I had to have surgery because I had gall stones that was the size of grapefruit. The gall stone was rubbing against all my major organs. How many know this was not the end of this storm. I was taking back to the Washington State Prison only to get sicker for the next two weeks with the same symptoms. I was put in this room with a girl name Charlene. Charlene tormented and curse me out. Remember I was frail and weak. This woman wanted me to clean the room and buff. I couldn't even stand two second without being dizzy. The original plan was suppose to be that I was to be housed in infirmary (medical) but they didn't have no room. I went to the office to hell her my bunkmate Charlene was harassing me. So she called security to tell them that was happening. Security staff put me in segregation (protective custody). Which is lock down unit, until they took me out for surgery. Finally two weeks later I went in for laser surgery to remove the gall stones at noon. I came to in existence around 6 pm, the medicine had worn off. The nurse kept telling me, when the officers would step out of the room. Don't use the bathroom because if you have a bowel movement, we going to have to release you from the hospital. We know they are not going to see about you at the prison. I end up having a bowel movement. So at 12 midnight the officers' took me out in the rain and cold shackled. I only had a thin white jumpsuit on with only my bra and panties. I was in so much pain because they had cut me in my navel and two cuts about my private area. So I was taken aback to the Metro State Infirmary where the nurse suppose to give me pain medicine. I was in so much pain. All I could do is cry. When I ring the emergency button, asked for pain pills. The nurse would ignore me. All of certain this angel came to my room it's was the chaplain that took me under her wings. When I first came through Metro Diagnostic she began to pray for me and she rocked in her arms to tell me it's going to be Ok. All of certain around 2:00 am they moved me to dorm H-2. I was in so much pain it took three inmates to get me to dorm H-2. Remember I was Washington State Prison property. I had no personals or property. All I had was the bra, panties, and jumpsuit. Washington State Prison correctional staff was suppose to come get me, the next morning. But their was no show. I was in so much pain till I couldn't even get out of the bed. Inspection and the warden came in, he said, what is going on here? The other inmates begin to explain. The warden said, someone is going to see about you or else they going to lose their job. Medical begin to give me pain medicine. The prison gave me some fresh garment and supplies. My cell mates took care of me very well. I became close to them in that short period of time. Suddenly early the next morning Washington Staff was their to pick me up. One of the things that stuck with me. People true color in our society about inmates. I had to go out to a doctor in Atlanta, GA before I ever had my surgery. I remember getting off the van being handcuffed and ankles shackled. Everybody in the parking lot was looking, pointing, and talking. Then we got on a elevator to get to my doctor's office. Do you know people would drop their belongings so they would miss their turn getting on the elevator. Because they didn't want to be on their with me. That showed me how people in society will ostracize you just because your in a prison uniform and handcuffed. Not knowing, who the person is? Are the person in prison because of what they done or had a poor excuse for a public defender. Before we anyone, it good to know all the facts. Nobody shouldn't judge no one in any way. Because of the causticity we live into today. Anyone can come to jail or prison that is not even guilty. That really touch me. The way the people was ostracizing me. They didn't have a clue who I was or why I was in prison. All they seen was handcuff, shackles and white prison jumpsuit. Finally things was looking up for me starting 2001-2004. I hadn't seen my children in two years. Been trying to get into court. My positive transfer went through. I was out of Washington State Prison November 14, 2001. Shortly after I arrived at Pulaski State Prison. I got to see my children and went out to court. So now I am on this journey at Pulaski State Prison. Lord I hope this journey be better than the one I left. Slowly but surely things begin to happen. My money begin to flow in from my church and dad. Mother in law would do what she could. Marriage was getting better. I end up in the choir, on the praise team, school and had a good detail. 2004 I let my guard down because I am a person who believes in forgiveness and giving people another chance. i allowed my whole immediate family to come visit me. When I came to Pulaski Sate prison, I finally received my trial transcript after fighting for them two years. I learn through the transcript that the immediate family I allowed to come see me for first time since I been in prison. Everyone of them gave false accusation against me and my husband. I learn that my birth mom pushed it up, which she has a history of being that one who try to inflict pain on me constantly. Well at visitation on two occasion, my mom had witchcraft items on her. Her conscious was getting the best of her. I also smelled the sachet oil and powder on her. I was familiar with this witchcraft because my mom begin to use it when I was 10 years old. Things begin to get sour for me again in 2004. So I decided to take my whole immediate family off my visitation list. Not only that I had my mother phone number. She called down here at the prison lying saying basically I was harassing her when she told me to call anytime. The lesson I've learned is to forgive but I don't have to deal with my enemies especially if they have not change. It took coming to prison to realize that I had to learn how to cut people off that is not going to help me grow or be a hinderance to my growth in life. Sometimes because they are friends or love one, who we have bond with for many years, we gamble within ourselves hey, there is plenty of times where we have gotten along good. When another person has full control over your life. They are driving the steering wheel in that relationship. Personally they bring destruction in your life that is devastating and heartbroken. It comes a time when we have to say no more whoever the person is. God gave us authority to make out choices whether it's good or bad. I have lost decades of my life in this place. While my enemies that lied has had a successful life. I forgive them but something has to be done. Prison life can either develop you into a mature male or female that views life differently than they did before they came to his place. Or prison can have you depressed, feeling unworthy and some become cold hearted not caring about nobody else including themselves. Prison is a dark world for some people. Some don't even want to live anymore. So they try to commit suicide. For my journey it has been like a storm where someone left me in the rain alone in a deserted land, with nothing or no one to rescue me or come by and say hey, you need help. My journey has included many nights crying uncontrollably on my pillow at night, sleepless nights, headaches, hungry day and night, and seldom get visitation. Lies and betrayal has been great through inmates and staff. Every time I thought somebody cared about what I was going through, I would learn later it was false compassion just being showed to get my business to go around spreading false rumors, twist my words and to always make me look bad. So others would laugh at me and persecute me as well. The jealousy has been a lot as well. Everything I do the next inmates says, what makes her so special she always get the good detail or get to do this or that. I put my make up on and it look good not being conceited. They want to use my make up or get some just like it. I do my hair a certain way. They get jealous try to get a haircut or style just like mines. It's like a competition amongst the other women wanting to be me. They even steal my conversation. If I am talking about a subject, they will go to next person with the same subject to make it like it was their ideal subject. To me it's humiliating known that I am around a lot of competition in the wrong way. When you come into a system like this, yes it is hard as hell living in here with all these females. They complain about everything never satisfied. I believe if the warden gave them a T-bone steak they will still complain because some feel like they deserve this or that. But not following the rules. I just wish the people in society could read some of dorm representative question. What is dorm representative. That is an inmate out of each dorm that goes before the wardens to present the dorm question and problems on behalf of their dorm. In order to be a dorm representative you have to be a role model inmate. Who know how to follow the rules and respect authority. I know some people wants to hear what life is like daily for Georgia female inmates. We wake up at 5:00 am with lights on. Count clears about 5:30 am. You can take your shower and prepare for the day. Some female inmates get up earlier 2:00 am and 4:00 am for the purpose of their work detail in the kitchen, outside the prison, prison industry and medical for insulin. Then you have first block at 7:50 am education, programs, wellness and other details report out. Majority of the compound inmates are busy daily. Monday thru Friday. You have to be inspection ready from 9:00 am to 4:30pm. The warden is faithful to come do inspection. Whether its rain, sleet or snow. We eat breakfast before 8:00 am Monday thru Sunday. We eat lunch around about 10:30 am to 11:20 am Monday thru Thursday. Their is no lunch for us Friday thru Sunday. Unless we work 5 or more hours. Those detail consist of kitchen, F-1 lockdown, maintenance, outside the gate details, medical orderly, and sanitation. Also they have special diet called Monday thru Sunday because the doctor has put some inmates on special diets for health reasons. Today in our women prison in Georgia there are some mean spirit women. They will cut, fight or abuse another female inmate or their cell mates, also their are a lot of females that will take advantage of a cell mate or another female sexually. Some female inmates do not care about doing what they need to do to get back into society or rehabilitating. Majority of the female inmates in Georgia all they care about is having sex with their homosexual lover, drugs, cigarette and staying in lockdown. When your a inmate like me wanting to do the right thing and rehabilitate or be a better citizen in society. You have to be on your watch at all times because those inmates that is getting into trouble preys on the weak inmates who does not know how to take up for themselves. The inmates that gets into trouble or troublemakers. They will gain up with their partners in crime to write false statements against that inmate. I've seen innocent inmate get into trouble and go to lock down because the troublemakers lies. The atmosphere of this women prison is jealousy, deceitful, insecure, inflict pain on others physically and emotionally, concerned about who goes to the store, who stoke bag they can get, who girlfriend they can take, who they can turn out sexually, gossiping, manipulation, statement writing, 1st time reporting everybody else business but never tell what they are doing, a lot of them in education but stay in lockdown not caring about their GED. Breaking into other people locker's taking their belongings, beating their bunkmates with locks or a boot, self mutilation (cutters), some of them never stop talking especially if you live in a small dorm with twenty-four to a hall. Imagine all them talking at one time. Wouldn't it give you a headache. Then you have the inmates who tries to find ways to get in with staff to bring them contraband. You have inmates that exalt themselves by trying to win staff approval because it will get them out of prison earlier, at least they think. You have inmates who fake sickness or mental health to get attention from staff. Prison has been a humbling experience for me but has been oppressing situation. I've learned and gained different perspective concerning life. But I've lost a lot through this oppressing situation. I've had many deaths in my family since I been in prison. Last but not least I gained my education and a better attitude so I can be that productive citizen upon my return to society.