The unconditional father

Trotter, Michael



The unconditional father By: Michael Trotter Date: November7, 2017 I would like to create a group amongst our friends here. What's shared in the group stays in the group (for now). Sharing will get you blocked immediately. It's about trust and just having a safe place to go. With unbiased friends who will just listen if that's all you need or provide encouragement if needed. This isn't a pity party group. It's just a place to share the good the bad and the ugly things that made us. You may share as much and whatever you like appropriately of course. If I have invited you it's because I pay attention to the things you don't say when you share. And well the rest... It's because I know you. Even in my shoes, my capacities spiritually come from one man I have never met nor will I in this life. Thirty seconds of his voice is all I'll have to remember my father. Because I only had funds on my books to make that initial connect. Well, jail sucks to say the least. More reason to work hard to get out soon. Anyway, in those seconds all my father repeated desperately was that he loved me and always had; and "please son forgive your mother she's that way because of me. Don't hate her hate me." All that I pulled out of his words at the time was that he loved me. And I actually heard him say it. I had just found him a month prior to this. For my father Arnold Ray "BATMAN" Trotter, although I never met you Sir I pray that in heaven they have rewind so you at least know that even when I did not understand I kept a torch lit for you. I understand it all now. I hope you are shown each time I looked over my shoulder for you. I pray you noticed I was not mad or disappointed in you. Mostly I hope you see the amazing capacity to love inherited from you. I forgave my mother as you've asked of me too Sir. The circumstances surrounding why my mother lying to me and never let me know him are not the point. I've moved on because dwelling on it will prevent me from trying to brake this cycle. I have a child who's living through my every day mystery all over again. Better living situation luckily but fatherless and motherless really. I was in jail when I found out his mother was pregnant. He does not physically know me or much about me. He just knows that I exist and that I am not in heaven. This is what my studies in humanities titled "The Human Condition". See what my son doesn't know is the important life defining fundamental assurances parents provide like, I love him and that I am proud of him, that he can talk to me and that I am here in his life. With all they various talents people say I have, the fact that I was missing a key puzzle piece affected me more adversely then what you could imagine. Even If he had been in prison, I know the presence or the knowledge of his love for me would have changed my life direction. I love my kids unconditionally. My two oldest talk to me and see me regularly. My wife and I both see the positive effect. Especially in Jayden. He listens and in his spacey way pays real good attention to Dad. But my youngest...dam I am at a loss. See a healthy living environment is only one key necessity. But no family member can provide the elements in which a child's MOM and DAD will. I learned more about my daddy in the years since he passed and it affirms that his presence in my life would have been the difference. Since he passed, my family in Louisiana has been in shambles. I do not know these people. But my Aunt Pat who I correspond with tells me, and the pictures show the amazing energy of my Fathers love. Even when it was all bad at times, He could rally the troops, inspire dancing, rejoicing and love in the swamps of Powhattan, Louisiana. His death was the beginning of a bad chain of events. As Batman's only child, my aunt holds on to me cause I am the last of his energy. I am so much like him but \0xBE of my life have been in here. I can't be that source of energy for my family and kids. People just don't want anything to do with someone in jail for the most part. And in my journey, I come to except that I am restricted to what's convenient for them. Which is more close to hardly anytime then it is plenty. I can't stand that fact but I won't waste time being resentful. l am only one--way at any given time, and being a turned up energy naturally...whatever way I happen to be is extreme. I am not hard to read at all. Approaching forty years old in here, my self-- awareness is enhanced. I live with the spirit that god gave my father to love with. All the he gave he didn't stop to love himself. Not that he wouldn't. He WAS the PARTY every day of his life. He passed away by himself; at home with a bottle of Hennessy, his chickens and horse's,...He loved so unconditionally to keep everyone feeling alive. Had I knew him I know he would still be alive today. I wouldn't be sharing these thoughts with you. Because I would be fishing with my father and taking the stuff away from him that wasn't good. The women, the drugs, the alcohol. My absence in his life took its toll on his heart too. He lived alone mostly. I have been a loner for my whole life. We are more similar then we are not. I can only hope that my little daddy Frankie keeps a torch lit until we do meet. I know in my heart that one day he will be The Unconditional Father. And I hope that somehow he can feel my energy loving him. I know that it will never be the same as me actually being there with him. I still pray that his guardians change the harmful belief that me being in here is going to harm him some way. Kids go through worse without having over at least having one or the other parent. Too much protection actually harms. Give him the credit that he can process and handle the truth. I am an awesome dad to my other kids and they miss me but more glad to know and feel my unconditional love. I invite you all to share or comment if you like

Author: Trotter, Michael

Author Location: California

Date: November 7, 2017

Genre: Essay

Extent: 2 pages

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