Time on my side

Lewis, Donell

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Title: Time On My Side Author: Donell Lewis Subject: Self Reflect Life has so many obstacles thrown your way, the question is what path has a positive outcome. As for me my course took a huge landslide, 14 years of my life taken away from my four beautiful daughters and the mother of my youngest. Skynell Lewis, who was brought into this world by a few heavenly pushes from Derrika James on April 7, 2016. Oh how them hours minutes and seconds was so special to witness. This was one of my precious moments besides meeting her mother who stand strong behind me in my crisis I'm now facing. The year 2016 took its courses of ups and downs, laugh and frowns joyous and unenjoyable moments, which plays all to well on my mind. Losing my dad Theodore Lewis who was a wonderful man in my life, and no other man can take his place. Teaching me everything I know and the appreciation I have for him is remarkable and I'm sure he knew this as well. Sometimes I feel I failed him on levels that a man should never fail, and that's being an idol to my family shielding they love from hurts and sorrow by any means necessary. He always told me there's no better friends than family, who backs will turn on you from time to time but they always around. Friends comes and goes, now I'm left with five brothers, two sisters and four daughters. I feel like they lost me to the judicial system. Growing up in Brooklyn New York was a movie to be an actor in, not only, but it was real for a residence of east New York. I blame most of my history on going in and out of jail which made it even worst. When my lawyer spoke on behalf of my upbringings, he as well didn't make it sound as good. His terms he spoke was as if life in Brooklyn New York was Isis campgrounds. The day of November 9, 2016 when the judge spoke these words of melody to my ears. "Donell Lewis I sentence you to 14 years in prison." I almost cried my eyes out, I couldn't even look at my love ones, Derrika James, Cara Garcia and Erica who been involved in my life going on ten years. When I heard them say, "We love you" told me I had to stay strong. I looked towards the ceiling, and told myself I had to fight through this, because it was expected of me from them and my past battles I once faced. What made it worst was the fact I couldn't five my daughters a kiss goodbye. It took every bone in my body not to freak out on the marshalls, but all I wanted was a kiss goodbye. How can I go from birth everyday up until August 24, 2016 being with my Skynell to not see or being with her for the next 14 years. can someone tell me. This is one time in my life I'm left confused without an answer. My mind is like a room of fog not a thought nor answer in sight, nor can I bring the sun into it because than I'll be blinded of my own searching. This moment I couldn't find my own brain an its content, so I continue to fight, not physical but mentally. Time and time again I come to realize this is not the end of my titanic corruption, but the beginning of a beautiful sunset. Being isolated 22 hours a day for these first couple of months been hard but promising at the same time not wanting to deal with any inmates or correctional staffs. Only because they couldn't help me with what god wanted me to go through at my present moment. Going from a 6 months to serve plea bargain to out of the clear blue 14 years, something didn't sit well with my gut feeling. So I decided to put my pen to paper and my mind to thoughts. I was told by multiple people that something wasn't right, I wasn't put to trial which I have a right to due process. Fourteen years was way too much for an assault 3rd and sale of certain illegal drug. Which the assault third came from a female who wanted me to leave my family for her. I said no so she reported that she was seven months pregnant and I hit her so police arrested me due to the way they operate in the state of Connecticut. Being a strong human of society I continue to keep my mouth close, and not fight the matter because I knew to myself and others that Connecticut court systems and law enforcement is not represented well to its standards. As the days open and close I continue to receive letters and pictures from my prisoner's wife Derrika. I speak to her on a day to day basis. Oh how I love to hear her voice for fifteen minutes on the phone. With Skynell in the background saying, "DaDa." Puts a smile on my face from ear to ear. Now I could sleep in peace since I got new music of her spoken words. I come to witness that a prisoner's wife takes as much damage to her heart than me being here. Its similar to me being stripped from my daughter, now I was stripped from her life as well. Her needs, her feelings and sexual healing which was my job to uphold but I failed by putting my friends first. Her letters seems to put me to shame and of course she was right about everything. When I feel I want to give up and let it all go she seems to remind me I have a world of loving hearts to care for. So of course I put my selfish moments aside. Waking up everyday to the same routine at northern correctional facility in Somers Connecticut is an unbalanced way any human being would hate to witness. For the next fourteen years of ones precious life, a pedal stool is an understatement on my behalf. On another note hearing the words out my ladies mouth how not a day go by night or day that she don't think of me and only god knows how much she love my butt is the exact words till death. Also how she wishes I was there, and how I should've understood that when I has home all she wanted was the best for me and us to be a family. Do things families would do, but I got caught up in all the lies people told me. I cheated by loving the streets and the money that was involved into it, so I chased it until I found out it has the wrong meaning. Of all out of everything I lied to protect our family and her feelings. It was a bad idea to cause my actions, but now I know it really is very important to recognize that the more I avoid something, the more difficult it become to overcome. Which in turn makes me more liable to our family. People not only avoid situations and try to leave, they also often do things to make themselves feel more safe. They may help at the time, but they help keep the problem going because the untrusted person will never learn that awful things could continue to happen. Now that I became real with myself I had to understand that I'm no longer living my life as a victim. A victim who doesn't deserve nice thing or trying for the good life. Equipped with low self-esteem, shame, unworthy, hyper vigilant person who alone feeling selfish towards the world as a damage human stuck in confusion and numbness. As if its ok to be overwhelmed by past hopeless option, now I no longer hide my life changing story no one is better, strong nor less damaged than me. Our hearts are all wounded in some way. I'm a survivor and will be through out these fourteen years, struggling for reason and a chance to heal and see myself as a wounded and healing husband, friend and father using tools of measures to relax. This is my way or form of seeking help within, is writing against my life from the inside out. Derrika always told me people deserves to speak or seek help by talking to a close friend or doctor. Naming what happened throughout my life, learning to grieve, grieving past trauma becoming hopeful and eliminate emotional pain and not be afraid to tell people my story. She's a thriver, I mean her gratitude for everything in life has its groundful meaning. She sees her world as an overflowing miracle for a new life, oneness between us a proud woman of healthy self caring who has been wounded and now healing and advise me to do the same. Now I continue living in the present with faith in myself that I will get through this loving life. We as people need to understand that emotional pain will pass and bring new roads beyond telling a story. The part about showing your story while others witness that your story has created its own healing and lives with an open heart for yourself and others. My entire life journey ultimately consists of the steps I'm taking at this moment. There is always only one step, and so I'm giving it my fullest attention. "Ain't nothing but a chicken wing." Over time I was full of pride and selfishness, I believed that I could handle my affairs, friendships or relationships even though I was making a mess of my life. I was very stubborn as Derrika would say, and I didn't like to be told what to do. I really resented being told so, humility looked like weakness, but when I come into this life I'm living at the time I'm writing this, I began to be humble. I discovered that life gave me the power I needed to defeat the old life style. To be continue

Author: Lewis, Donell

Author Location: Connecticut

Date: January 31, 2018

Genre: Essay

Extent: 9 pages

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