Would it make sense if I told you that I recieve praise
Would it make sense if I told you that I receive praise from those who are incarcerated with me just by mentioning the past versus the present? Would the reader understand that all I am is what I've been able to discover through these revolutionary tablets (books)? Should I be able to name my triggers? Maybe my urges or cognitive distortions? Would you understand me better if I told you my personal library in this dog kennel (cell) includes authors such as: Elaine Brown, David Hillard, Assata Shakur, Angela Davis, George Jackson, Huey P. Newton, Bobby Seal, Eldridge Cleaver or Gerald "Gernomio Ji Jaga" Pratt?
These tablets are my golden bricks. They pave the yellow brick road of evolution, sanity, justice, and the emancipation and illumination. They have taught me that "I am"! They've shown me that my crys were not in vain, and true liberation comes the the "help" and "support" of the people. They've shouldered the burden of insanity for me. They have pointed out to me that I was ignorant in thought before my actions. To not put down my guns (knowledge) or sword (pen) but to place it for true change and use it in the right direction.
I will say that I have received my fair share of anger from these jewels (books). There is no group discussion for the anger that seeps in my bloodstream when I compare the roaring 60's to the legalized lynchings of people who look like me. No way can this woman who read in a book that my dreams are only haunting me because of a past experience. Has she ever had PTSD? Has this question even be asked? I wouldn't know because there is no handbook on how one needs to burden his soul to a stranger.
I must write to the APWA family. I must try to do different because what has been is exactly that, "Has been". If having my tongue heard I would speak louder. If having my vision being loved I would add glasses to my eyes. If having true reform and rehabilitation reek of smell I would welcome the unknown odor to my nostrils.
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As I write I am being called. No one is calling me on the tier, yet they are still loud enough to hear. Nobody is calling me in the confessional booth(s) (vent) yet they are still loud enough to hear. I must tell all others who are actually present to "hold up", I'm busy. Give me a minute", because I have to focus on my next letter that will most likely create a word. What booms in my mind at this moment here is what the medication supposes to suppress, stop, cure or correct.
I badly need mental health treatment that may require me to be someone who I have always tried to dislike. A victim! No longer must a persons status as a man/woman deter them from the right to seek help for the unknown; right? This prison has said that I am diagnosed as a Seriously Mental Ill (SMI) Inmate, yet my gang affiliation hinders me from recieving mental health treatment. Nobody ever asked me, why did I join a gang? They never asked me to tell them how being an active gang member has altered my life. I would have told them the truth.
The truth that I joined because at 1st I wanted to be apart of the "In Crowd," and the love came on my terms once I seen that I was able to uphold my image of societies definition of a man. The truth that no STG or gang affiliation has ever landed me an institutional infraction or street charge, it was me just defying the rules of the United States of America because I could and I lacked compassion, and care for law, life and liberty.
My hundreds of tattoo's cover my gunshots, stab wounds, suicide attempts, and scares from my night terrors. The last still going on when ever I close my eyes. How can I ask for forgiveness if my own psych. will not encourage reconing or change to finally manifest?
So the Editor's at the APWA told me that I am being heard and listen too. From Clinton, New York I have recieved some validation that most people of 29 years of age in Baltimore City never hears. in Cumberland, Maryland this was my parole hearing and commissary rolled in one someone told me that everybody gets letters from them. It's how they keep you writing to and for them. Someone also said "Chris X" (thats me) your story and mind is powerful and thats why they put that.
It really does not matter until it does. I'm just glad APWA family hears at all. We all could do a better job of listening. May be life would be paradise, right?
Devine embrace: Christopher R Cox Jr
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