It’s been 15 years

Martinez, Brandon



1 Feb 24, 10 START: Its been 15 years since inception locked down here in the dept. of correction. I must say its been a h orrific ordeal indeed. Started out just a young buck in my teens. Had no idea what tragedy I had imposed upon myself and family whom would ultimately suffer right along with me from my absence. Looking back on my former days I wish I could turn back the hand of time. Wave a magic want erase that day, that fateful day that changed the course of time, the events that occurred ruined my whole life. Although I was quite young, lacked the maturity to make the proper decisions, I wont sit back and attempt to make excuses, at this age and in this age. Its time son, time to come clean. For the sake of closure, closure for all parties involved. The victims family has endured enough grief. Ooh what I would do to mend the wounds. If I could only massage the heart. We all could lay our heads down at night and sleep in peace. How many days weeks and years have we been carrying this, this heavy load. I just want to serve notice on you, we can fine the strength to let go, and let go, to muster up the courage to heal ourselves. We can’t alter what happened on that day. But what we can do is put the pieces back together, slowly but surely we shall survive, we will make it, not only survive, but thrive. Thrive in the midst of pure utter darness. You see my friend, I too have suffered. I too am framiliar with heartache and pain. I know what its like my friend. Is it okay to call you that. I hope so. I too have had my share of sleepless nights. Ive tossed and turned. Late in the midnight hour, ough wee, come on, drop that shss then, late in the midnight hour, Ive had death come visit me. All I can say, here by the grace of god go I…… The lord made death behave, when I walked the floor at night. Didn’t think I would make it. Pulled out my hair, sit back, listen up. Because I am coming for you today. I know you looking all fly, you got your hair all slicked back, all 2 flossed out with the flyest gear. But behind all that, behind all the pretty makeup, you too ladies, when that door closes at night, you all alone, so alone, the lil tears trickle on down. I dont know what thorn in you flesh exists. Dont know who let you down. Who did you wrong. I cant answer why it had to pop off. But none of that matters, its all irrelevant. What matters whats most important. Is to focus on the road ahead. If where ever going to get steppin on this journey of life, we got to bury at all in the tomb of time. Leave it there, so it cant hurt us no more. No more I say, this stops right here, right now, no more son, no, no, no, I declare right now “you will live and not die.” You hear me, you will live and not die. Although you don’t understand, the future appears to be bleak, as so much uncertainty abounds. Although we may be lost, we shall be found. In the gutter of despair. You can, you will rise on up out of that. That foul spirit of depression that comes to wreck havoc on our mind. Weve wasted too much time. Let dwindle away oppurtunities. All because we couldnt catch a glimpse beyond the clouds. If we had only taken a moment to look, we would see. Behind the darkest cloud, often follows a bright sunny day. Enough is enough get busy living. You will make a way, you will find a way. Inside of you. That’s how, inside of you is all you need to know, to discover the gifts and talents that reside. Reside all inside of you. Come on don’t let all the doom and gloom destroy your life. There is a future. Can I let cha know something, theres good news, theres still time, you can overcome, get past, and beyond, what has brought you almost to the verge of giving up. In the nick of time you kept on steppin. If you hadn’t took another step, you would have died in your misery. I applaud you for your efforts on moving foreword. Keep moving, keep on, keeping on. Your like the energizer bunny. You literally take a licken and keep on ticken. That is what you must realize, the tenacity. The strength. You got what it takes, you got heart. Even when you stumbled all over the place, you still moved foreword, your running out of time. We ain’t getting 3 no younger. Its now or never, get up out of that mess your in. It shall, it will, it certainly will come to pass. Take the measures, take the steps. Do what you got to do to get to your destiny. The reason you didnt die, the reason your still here, slit your arm, cut your wrist up and down and all around. The reason you didnt die when you took all them pills, (that should have took you out by the way, that potent amount), when they pumped your stomach emptying the poison my god, lord have mercy. What been there done all that got a T-shirt. Don’t look at me crazy. Like you some saint whom got it all together. Don’t even try to explain to me how all your I’s are dotted and your T’s are crossed. I know your screws are all on tight. Funny, your quite a character, I aint got time for the games. Save all that for whoever you choose to project an image of perception with, portray all the greatness to them, I aint the one. I know the real you, the lonely you, the broken hearted you. The one with issues, so many, too many problems in abundnace. They say when it rains it pours. When will it ever let up. Hold up, stop the writing. Let us pause for “I Pray” sung by Amanda Perez…….See as difficult as it is for you to except, grasp it all, its not profound. It aint no big fancy concept, all I ask is you begin to become aware of the power you hold. That willpower to make a difference, alter the course of your life for the better. You all by yourself got what it takes, that’s the reason your still alive. Because theres a purpose for you. You were put here for a reason, don’t ask me, you going ot have to define that purpose, carve out your own niche dawg, you know. I won’t give you a heads up, trust me, you’ll know when you have arrived. But I must caution you. The path my friend, won’t be paved with gold. I cant promise you along your journey there wont be turbulence among the atmosphere. You may have to find some steppin stones. And often more times then not, youll have to battle with them demons. Its ok. Its alright. As long as you strive daily to stay positive, stay focused, sow the seeds by your actions, them demons cant touch you, see they can only run 4 amok, causeso much griefm only when your depressed, when you hold them pity parties, you invite them in. They prey on the weak, that’s when your most vulnerable. Theres too much at stake. Your life. Your future. Please promise me, you won’t give in, you won’t give up, that you’ll keep hope alive, theres so much worth, too much value left in you, your precious too So many folks, theres only one of you. We can’t replace you, we can’t afford to lose you. If you never hear my voice again, because Im almost on the by on by, its getting late in the evening for me, its almost time to roll into my grave. Sometimes I get scared that blue walls of death will begin to settle in my eyes. But I shake it off, Ive come today with one purpose – to save you, your life. Your future That’s all that matters to me now, I want you to have a life I never had, I want you to laugh, I want to see you smile again, to lay, to play, to dance. I hope you dance kid, ooh I hope you dance. The people are depending on you, don’t you dare let them down. They stood by your side with that conditional love, please do it for there sake, all the ones you love and care about in this ole world. Your life aint just about you. You have the potential to impact a generation. Do the right thang, as your sole success will pull so many others out of there misery. They’ll be inspired, knowing all the pure hell you went through and made if. Im doing my best to school you down. You hold the ticket out of poverty, to get out of the ghetto, they need to see someone framiliar, without a face they wont be able to relate. Whos going to reach them. Im sorry to put all this on you, forgive me. I mean you no harm. Its just so critical that you ducceed. Only you can save them know. Are you sure, me, Im the one. Yeah, Im sure. But you know Im the chiefest of sinners, you know I act a fool. Sure. And your aware I aint got it all together. Hush, hush now. Someone else. Im cool. You’re the one for the job, thats the reason you been chosen. Because you didn’t have it all together, you represent the least of these, ough wee, that’s deep. Let that sink in son, you’ve been ostracized, ridiculed, never did fit in. It was 5 all for the glory, no grit no glory, in order to testify you had to be dragged through the mud of affliction, for your good. All by your lonesome, why, we couldnt risk contamination. Although you were in the crowd, you were never of the crowd. My, my, my, so we separated you from the pack. The rest of your life is all on you. Don’t let the blood remain on your hands. It can be made right. We can redeem ourselves. Many years ago as a teen I was involved in a murder, in which I didnt commit the actual offense. My co defendant on his own volition decided to blow it out of proportion in a fit of spontaneous drastic rage. Ooh how I wish I could of prevented it from occurring. But there was nothing in my arsenal to stop a mad man. As I was fortunate enough to escape with my own life intact, how I feared him in which I was physically outmarched in strength, there was nothing I could do to halt, let alone stop the actions of an individual. Which brings us to the question, what murderer leaves behind a witness. My life was spared as Im thankfull grateful for that. Perhaps if I had a gun or weapon I could have pointed it at him and said, “that’s enough.” Many may differ, but it is my opinion that my life was spared to be used as an instrument of change. I know my heart, I know what Ive accomplished. To reach a sin sick soul has brought my life much meaning. To inspire, motivate, bring to the table hope, is to know my life hasn’t been lived in vain. Someone, somewhere will walk away from the street life, ooh someone, at the right place, in the right time heart just what he needed to hear. If he had not heard he would have fallen victim to the grave. If I hasnot stood in the gap in prayer, we would have had another young buck walking into a life sentence. All I can say is that many are sent but few are chosen. This is the direction, my life had to be this way, for my family, friends loved ones. You must not feel sad for me. Sure there certainly was a price to pay, as Ive been beat, raped, traumatized significantly over the years. I too have lost family, I too have seen folks close to me pass away. What about my pain, what about my hurt. 6 Am I not a human being, is the only eyes on me in a positive aspect the man who sits on high. Is that divine hand the only one who believes in forgiveness. Im so glad that the lord is much more forgiving than man, otherwise we all ould be in jeopardy. I must take my seat now. Before I take my seat, to the victims family I send you my deepest sympathetic appology. I’m sorry your loved one perished that night. I’m sorry for all the pain youve had to endure, for the holidays he couldn’t be in your presence. Birthdays, new years christmas not in the midst of. I’m sorry for that void in your heart, the lonely nights and unsettling days. You got to find peace. Closure. Go ahead. Usher it on in. Don’t be afraid, theres life, can I let cha know, that theres life after the worst case scenario, no matter how tragic, how horrific the turmoil. It can, it will, it shall, somehow, someway, the pain, the hurt will ease on up. Time will, if you let if, it will heal Heal that broken heart. Ill stand in the gap in prayer, in which I have all these years. Don’t let it destroy your life any longer. Find, seek the courage to slowly but surely live live, live life to the fullest. In the good, the bad, the indifferent, live life to the fullest I say, no matter what always keep on walking……..

Author: Martinez, Brandon

Author Location: California

Date: September 16, 2015

Genre: Essay

Extent: 12 pages

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